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32. The Spymaster's Assistant book - Book No. 1: Deny Everything - Capt. Alora Wiley

 

#28

Mar/2016

 

Intriguing blurb! Sounds extremely fun to read! The cover could use some work though.

 

There's a lot of very nice description in the first few paragraphs. Awesome job Alora! Although really, when have you ever not given me something good to read?

 

Your characters are very interesting to say the least. I mean we have Parker who I can tell is going to be my favorite. He's got a good head on his shoulders, quick witted and responsible. Then we have South. Who's.....wild. To put it mildly. 

I'm curious to see how their paths cross and where their adventure takes them. I do hope you continue this, it seems like a really fun and exciting read.

 

 

 

Chapter 1: 'as if the roaring wind was the deep shaky breathes taken' that should be 'breaths'. 

Just remember,

 

I took a breath

To learn to breathe. 

 

It's simple and useful. <3

 

There's a sentence I feel could use a comma as it seems too long without a pause. But this is entirely up to you.

'I wanted to scream so loud that whoever hears me hears not a cry of fear but a roar of one who has been trapped in panic and insanity for what feels like forever.'

If you could just add a comma between 'fear' and 'but' it would read so much smoother.

 

Also? If your hair is wet, you can't blow it out of your face. It sticks to your face. :)

 

 

Please let me know when you finally get to work on this story! I'd love something new to read of yours. <3

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