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39. The Six Chosen - Striped Sweaters Forever (In Progress)

 

#35

Nov/2016

 

The first thing I notice is that you have no cover. It's understandable that some people can't make covers, but there are several options open to you. You could go to a cover store and ask for one, or even search on-line for a temporary picture. 

Understand that it's totally fine to NOT have a cover. But that not everyone will read your story because of that reason as well.

Your summary is very short. Sometimes it's nice to have a short summary. It gives the story suspense and mystery. But most times a short summary is acceptable because they have a decent cover. Which, you don't have. So it becomes a double whammy and a lot of readers will skim past your story.

If you don't want a cover, make a longer summary but don't give away your entire plot.

 

 

 

The first chapter leaves me in a torn state. That's not a bad thing! But in a way it kind of is. The relationship between Kiki and Russel is an interesting one indeed, but that's all the chapter has going for it. You give decent descriptions and your writing style isn't too slow paced. But it's a very bland chapter and doesn't really pique my interest enough to want to keep going. Maybe if there was more storyline or character information it'd be different.

 

I'm getting a feeling that each person you have us visualizing are the six chosen. Which -might I add- you are very good at describing your characters. Just in this chapter alone we have eye color, hair color and length, along with their names and some back story. All of which are great things to get a reader's attention. But it does end rather abruptly and left me very confused. 

 

The very first thing I noticed was how short this chapter was.

Already I don't like Russel and am thankful that Kiki knew well enough to deny his deal. But I also realized that even though we got a small description of his home, we didn't receive one for him. I have no idea what this character looks like and since this is supposed to be his chapter, you'd think there would be.

About the only thing we did learn about his character was that he was immature, deals with smugglers and lives in a foxhole. There's also that indication about the forest being evil or something.

I think you should make a longer chapter and add more information. Then later in the story, you won't have to worry about forgetting something vital because you're adding in minor details.

 

Okay, so this chapter introduces where all the weird stuff starts happening. That's awesome cause we don't have long to wait. The breaks between characters was a nice touch as well because it made the read smoother. But I feel like you wanted the readers to be left wanting more and I didn't feel that. I did get a hint of feeling underwhelmed though. Like, I anticipated a mysterious or intriguing ending and instead all I got was that the weird voice never came back. It doesn't leave much for me to continue reading.

 

 

 

Chapter 1:

The first thing I noticed was how close everything was. It would be wise for you to space out your paragraphs better, so it doesn't look like a big one.

Another thing I noticed was that you almost never capitalize after dialogue. Most of the time capitalization is needed after dialogue because it's the start of a new sentence.

 

'Just as she stood to pack up, a male's voice came from a hole that functioned as a door. "Kiki!" he said in a whisper-yell.'

                                                                                                                                                          ^ This should be capitalized because the sentence before it was finished.

 

You have quite a few like that in this chapter.

 

Chapter 2:

You have more of those after dialogue mistakes in this one. The issue with spacing out is still there as well.

 

'No matter how bad things get, there's still beauty, he thought.'

The last comma in this sentence should be a semicolon. (In case you don't know what that is, (You'd be surprised how many people know it, but don't know it's name.) it's the dot with a comma below it.)  

This: (;)<

 

Chapter 3:

The same mistakes from the first two chapters.

That repetition about his hill was also very annoying. I think after, 

'It was on his hill.' the second sentence repeating 'his hill' should be stricken. It's not necessary.

 

Chapter 4:

The same mistakes from previous chapters.

'This particular morning, however,' The first comma isn't necessary.

'She stood, mind filled to the brim with confusion and curiosity, and silently exited the house.' The last comma isn't necessary because you have a conjunction. (and)

'The dull sun rose, and so did amount fear in Kimbrey's dark eyes.' Unnecessary comma and missing words.

'She jerked her head around to look around,' The repetition of the word 'around' makes for a rough read. Instead you could phrase it like,

'She jerked her head around to look at her surroundings,'

You misspelled your character's name later in the chapter. 'Kii' instead of 'Kiki'

'She knew voice had stopped' Missing a word. 

 

 

 

In all, I'm not a fan. I feel the idea behind the story is a great one but you could use some work on it. Maybe start with the plot first and figure out how to stretch it into a story. It's obvious you have your characters down pact, so I'm not worried about them. Your descriptions are also nice, but there are moments when they could be better. But it's the story and your writing of it, that makes me walk away. I'd say work out your kinks and story line, then you'll have a better chance at having the outcome you anticipated. Thanks for stopping by! If you aren't too bothered by my review, I'd love to read more from you.

 

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