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13. The Guardians: Runaways - Lady Alora Wiley (Completed)

 

#9

Aug/2015

 

I was instantly drawn in, I got goosebumps!

 

1. First, can I say how much I love Willow? She calls Alora out soo much, it's amazing. Especially when she says things like 'Cupcake boy' I love it! All of your characters I feel are so bold, that it's hard to miss their personalities. Something I like to see, when reading. The only thing I couldn't grasp on was the bond you tried to create between Alora and Melka. When he died and she broke down in tears, I couldn't understand where they were coming from. She hadn't seen or heard from him, ever. Then he tries to kill them, only to join them later. There was no bonding time between the two, because of so many events going on. So as I said, was unsure as to why she reacted the way she did.

 

2. You've written this story, in such a way that no matter who reads it, will be drawn in immediately. There's never a pausing moment, your readers will want to further read on. There is so much suspense and, the cliff hangers you add never slow down. It's definitely a story, that once you start you can't put down. I find that a lot of writers don't have that feature. (Myself included I feel.) so I greatly admire that in you as a writer. It's an attribute you have, that I envy.

 

There are many things to love about this story, I could honestly go on all day. Between the strong characters you've created, and the story you've brought to life in your writing, I can't wait for the sequel. Hopefully it's updated soon, as I honestly love this one. (I write love instead of loved, because I can see myself rereading this in the near future.)

 

 

You only have one problem, grammar.

 

1. First off let me say, you have a lot of grammar mistakes. Nothing major, it's things like you forgot to capitalize the next sentence. I'm referring to chapter 5, the third line of conversation in the beginning, and again in chapter 8. Also, when you refer to a character you don't have to say their name repeatedly. Like in chapter 4 you do it a lot with Jo. You do use she, quite a bit as you should. Just at the wrong times.   

 

For ex.   'Jo yelled. Jo fell to the ground, hacking her lungs out. '  

Here you could've used she, as you've already told how it was that character. It's not necessary, just an option. 

 

Another thing, you wrote 'She felt her face, turn the color of pastel.' pastel, is not a color that I know of. It simply means a lighter pallet of colors. So I assume, you meant her face drained of her usual color? Or that it lightened in color. Either way, it should be fixed I feel. Merely a suggestion yet again. I also couldn't distinguish which character that happened to. You jump from one character's actions, to the next. So we went from Jo to Red I assumed. But regardless I had to reread to distinguish that.  Another thing you do is use the word 'an' in replace of 'and' it's not horrible. But rather annoying, as I feel like I'm reading a draft so to say. If that makes any sense.You also wrote 'Aloras' in the 8th chapter, instead of Alora in one of the lines. You wrote 'our' instead of 'or' in chapter 8.

In chapter 9 the chapter has an unneeded 9 in the name. Also you wrote 'say' as 'sasy.' and 'too' as 'to' you can also remove the first 'with' in the sentence 'they began with helping with the farm work.' as it's unnecessary. The correct spelling for 'mizus' is 'missus' In chapter 11 you write 'they' instead of 'the' I'm assuming that's the word you meant to use. Another thing is you forgot a period in one of your dialogue lines. Also you write things capitalized that shouldn't be capitalized. Like 'cupcake boy' and 'little one' there's no need for capitalization as it's not their names. In chapter 12.

You missed a word in the beginning of the 13th chapter. You wrote 'you look like rhino trying glare at me like that.' There should be an 'a' in there. You use the word 'blackmailing' yet never in the right way. Most people spell 'ur' as 'er'

'franticly' should be spelled 'frantically', I think you meant seagull gray, instead of 'sea gale grey' also you don't have to capitalize the words after every spoken dialogue. Another thing, your emphasis on the words tie and sob could be enclosed in singular quotation marks. Or simply italicized for smoother reading. In the 14th chapter, the first 'a' in 'Melka walked to him, a mumbled a few words.' should be removed. Am also unsure as to what you meant by the dialogue 'by the lady' except should be spelt 'accept'. the sentence 'and she did not want to find out' could be written as 'and she didn't really wanna find out.' just to make for a smoother read. 

In the 16th chapter, the sentence 'and stabbed his tail-end.' could be written as 'and stabbing the end of his tail.' again this Is just to make for a smoother read. Purely up to you. The third sentence in the second to last paragraph needs to be capitalized. I think you meant 'batted her paw at the nemean lion.' instead of 'batted her paw and the nemean lion.'

'She didn't even believe.' could be changed to 'she couldn't believe' chapter 18 you wrote 'rooms' instead of 'room'. The sentence 'not even you.' is missing the 't' in 'not'

The last paragraph in the 18th chapter, can be separated into two I feel. Also when Mendom leaves words in the air, you should quote them, or bold or italicize them. It was hard trying to figure out when they started and stopped. In the 19th chapter you have Alora say the same thing twice, 'anyone who wants my tools.' also it's position, not 'posistion'

In chapter 20, said is spelt 'sasid' also I think you're missing a 'the' in the sentence 'She stopped swirling the water around, and stared at cart harder than before.' also the sentence 'Alora stopped in her tracks.' should have another 'the' in there I feel. I think the expression you're looking for is 'faint of heart' not fair.

 

 

I apologize if this is annoying, or seems like a broken record. I am merely trying to make your mistakes known. So that the next person who reads this wonderful story, does not stumble across them. Don't mean to nitpick. This is the only problem I could find while reading. I stress on it, because without the problem, I feel as though this could've been something I picked up and bought at the store.

 

If you would like me to erase all grammar mistakes listed above, I'll do so.....after you've fixed them. I only pointed them out, letting you know exactly where they were, because I understand not everyone has two hours to reread their work. Another reason too, being that your mind will read it one way, and it will be written another. So specifically telling you exactly where each mistake lies, will speed things along when you go back to editing the chapters.

 

Please understand, I love this story. The above information I have written, is not meant to undermine you, or dishearten your work as a writer. But merely to give you exactly what you've implied, when you commented below; constructive criticism. Without it, we are just putting our thoughts on paper (Or word pad.) without a shot of it being read in the world beyond our computer screens. As I wrote before, your story could be exactly that. I hope one day, someone with the right authority will see it. That many doors be opened for you, because of this work of fiction you've created.

I hope you ask me again in the mere future to read more of your work. As I enjoy your writing style. Your characters are made to be believable, and the stories phenomenal. I hope I haven't upset you in any way, shape or form. <3

I would recommend this story, to anyone who'd ask me what they should read. :)

 

 

Edit: 12/8/15

 

The author still has not fixed any grammar mistakes above, but she assures me she's trying to get an editor to help with such things.

 

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