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16. The Boy With the Silver Eyes - FANGIRL!!! (In Progress)

 

#12

Nov/2015

 

Instantly it draws you in. Between the summary and your cover, it's no wonder you have the favorites you do!

 

 

 

I love your main character Sarah. She's very much like lots of girls her age. She's open to criticism and easy to make friends with.

 

Can I say I love the world you've created! Is it possible for me to live there? You've written about a place in which fairies, sprites and elves all reside while hiding from us humans. They live in nature (which I often crave to do) and they're so different! All of them you make seem like they hold a power (which I haven't seen yet if they do.) But I love it sooo much.

 

Another aspect I love is how descriptive you are. With most moments it feels as though I'm really there. Not everyone remembers that we as the reader, can't see what you see unless you literally spell it out for us. But I will say this, that just because you write a color in another language, does not make it sound any more fancy. If you're going for a certain shade, look it up. Simply writing 'Azure' all I see is blue. If you want to be really descriptive go for something like 'ocean blue.' or 'blue as the night sky'. 

 

Absolutely love the line you wrote 'her voice comically high pitched.' this right here is perfect description! I could actually hear her words then, making it even more real.

 

I love that you made it so that each different part of the Fe world represents a different European country. I mean how cool is that! Props to you for originality love! I also like how you have the meanings of your foreign language written down at the bottom. But it isn't really necessary, as you have the characters state what they said in the story.

 

I love Bahadur! Not only is he smart but his big personality really comes through. He's also quite funny if I do say so myself. I hope to see lots of moments with him in the future. 'Dood? What is a dood?' not gonna lie, I chuckled.

 

You're really spectacular at describing your surroundings. There are several moments in which you narrate through the character's POV and it feels as though I'm in the story, seeing it as they do. I'm not sure if this is your first story, but it's amazing that you've already gotten so well at this part of writing. 

 

The pictures you leave at the end of some of your chapters are really cool. Like the fortress was amazing! It's not what I envisioned but it was still beautifully creepy. 

Did not catch the hints that you dropped, congrats on the surprise factor! 

You certainly know how to keep the reader guessing! I'm curious to see how you'll finish this story.

 

 

 

 

If there's one thing I'd comment on fixing, it's that you break up your dialogue from the paragraphs. You don't have to, it's not a required form of writing. But for most people it makes the story easier to read. Another thing, if you're going to write a letter or read one; it's easier for the reader to read if it's italicized or in bold. Separate it from the rest of your story, so it's not all on big mesh. I would also write the POV's in bold to help separate them from the story text.

 

 

Chapter 8(Chapter 7) The word is spelt 'Stroganoff' not how it's written in the same chapter. If you were going for the Russian spelling it's 'Stroganov'. 

Chapter 9 (Chapter 8)  You seemed to end this chapter rather abruptly for my taste. I still felt as though more was supposed to be said. A rather interesting stopping point you chose.

Chapter 11(Chapter 10) was a bit short, but seeing as it was the antagonist's POV it makes for more questions, leaving the readers wanting more. 

Chapter 12(Chapter 11) you have 'thing' next to 'everything.'so it reads 'everything thing' rather redundant. The correct spelling of the word you're refering to when she's trying to warm herself is 'bare' not 'bear'. You wrote 'out it on' instead of 'put it on'.

Chapter 13(12) 'a gust of wind' not 'a just of wind'.

Chapter 14(Chapter 13) when you're writing in Peter's different personalities, you don't have to make them separate dialogue. It's all Peter, just a different side of him. All the separating does, is confuse the reader into thinking there's more than one person behind her.

Chapter 16(Chapter 15) you wrote 'here' instead of 'hear' in the sentence 'How come they didn't here anything?'. 'live' a normal life not 'life'. You are missing the closing dialogue mark in the sentence 'Well suit yourself'.

Chapter 17(Chapter 16) 'chanced a glance' not 'glanced'. There is moment in which you capitalize 'one' and you don't need to. You also write 'one' when you mean 'on'. There's a part at the end of this chapter where as the reader I'm confused. Has Peter come back? Or did Zlo finally learn how to feel?

Chapter 18(Chapter 17) the constant POV change is rather annoying. 'breath' not 'breathe'.

Chapter 19(Chapter 18) you're missing the 'e' in 'me' in the first sentence of this chapter.

Chapter 22(Chapter 21) 'We seemed to in' I think you're missing a 'be' somewhere in there.'Follow the pother guards'? Did you mean 'other'?

Chapter 23(Chapter 22) 'I ran him through with dagger' I'll just point this out.

Chapter 24(Chapter 23) 'my master hiss' I think that should be 'hissed'. 'With flick of his wrist' there should be an 'a' in there somewhere. You're missing the 't' in 'thought' and in 'but'.

 

 

The part where you simply have the surrogate mother explain that they aren't lying, felt a bit melodramatic. I feel you could've written that better, but I understand this is your first big work project. So, just know for future references that the scene mentioned above, could be written better. When the queen is comforting Sarah, you don't need the second comma in her dialogue. It just kills the moment you're trying to create. I personally would like to know why Sarah didn't try overtake Zlo when he wasn't looking after she ate. Some thought process would've been nice. Like obviously she couldn't make a run for it because her feet were still bound, but she could've made a go for the dagger. When Zlo and Sarah are running away from the mine and the guards, I felt it was just too easy. Like if it was that simple to get away from them, why couldn't they escape sooner? Like when they were still in the cart?

 

I noticed too that you use a lot of commas. As a writer who often has the same problem at times, here's a few tips I learned and was told to help. Commas are used when you are listing something. Another thing that helps is to read the sentence out loud. Wherever you stop to take a breath, is where the comma should be placed. Don't forget to punctuate your sentences. Alot of your dialogue ends with commas, never periods. Even when the character has finished speaking.

 

Another thing I would say is to watch how many POV's you bring in. I would expect the three characters, Peter, Alex and Sarah; since the story is about them. But when you brought in the king I honestly was confused. You easily could've made that Alex's POV, if you had wanted the readers to hear the dialogue or his nervous actions, you could've placed Alex in the shadows to watch. His inner nervous monologue interrupted by the king's scream to the elf. 

 

Overall I love this story! The originality is through the roof and I can't wait to see how it ends. Hopefully you don't keep us in the dark too gosh awful long, as I want to know how Peter and Zlo work together to help the king.

 

 

Edit: 12/8/15

Stated above I wrote that in the ninth chapter she ended the chapter abruptly. To please me she has now added another small interaction between the two characters.But it now seems so tacky and out of place, simply because of the fact that Alex is not that dramatic, and the king's dialogue sounds like he's now in a hurry. I think it would've been better if she had left her chapter ending abruptly.

All other chapters above have not been fixed.

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