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40. Steven Will's - Dream Walker's Song's And Poem's Booklet - Steven Will -Dream Walker (In Progress)

 

#36

Dec/2016

The warning of suggestive themes and gore was a good call to put in the summary. Not everyone enjoys reading such topics. Your cover is simple but I can understand how hard it must be to figure out a cover for this. It might be wise if you chose a different color for the text in your cover, it's hard to see against your background.

 

 

Angel, She Made My Heart

I try not to be harsh when it comes to poems and songs. Simply because I know it's a learning process and everyone is different.

But this is supposed to be a song and I don't see any format to it. Each song is supposed to have verses, a chorus and a bridge. (Well, most of them.) 

This read more like a repetitive short story than a song. There was one really long verse and it collided with your make shift chorus. Once it was through you continued without a break, not giving me a chance to feel any music. 

I would say that you should take some time to look at the way songs are formatted on Movellas. There's plenty of songbooks on this site. Just pick one and learn the way people break down their songs. After you feel you understand the format, come back to this one and clean it up. Because right now it's a jumbled mess and I can't decipher anything.

 

Bring Me To The Light

'In my broken mind, and my shattered heart.' There's no need for a comma in this sentence.

'Satan barking senseless order.' You're missing a letter.

 

It seems you have a better knack for poetry than you do song writing. This was a lot better written than the first song I read. There was an obvious story you were telling through the stanzas and you even managed to rhyme a few of them. (Not that rhyming is necessary in poems.)

I will say this though, I feel that with some word changes it might make for a better read. Even though it's a nice read as it is, there's room for improvement. 

 

With And Without You

I'm glad you wrote that the poem is inspired by the Kelly Clarkson song. Because there are clear lyrics taken directly from the song. 

I notice that you like to use 'evergreen' to describe how you were as a couple in songs. Ed Sheeran did it in his song but it was in reference to his lovers soul. So that as a whole, he was implying that her soul would never die (Much like the evergreen plant.) but it never works for you.

'I thought that we were evergreen.' I'm not sure what to take from this line. Are you trying to imply that you thought you'd never die? 

I think it would've been better had you phrased it,

'I thought our love was evergreen.' Then it's clear you're implying that you thought your relationship would never die. As opposed to yourselves.

'When I'm without I cry with vapor.'

You do know that vapor is a cloud of smoke, right? It's not humanly possible for a person to cry smoke. 

'Especially now that were not together.' That should be 'we're'.

This seems more like a poem than a song. There wasn't even a chorus that I could tell in this.

 

Blooming Love Or Blooming Truth?

Though there's room for improvement, I actually enjoyed this poem over everything I've read so far. There was a clear story and you didn't have any unnecessary stanzas of repetition. It was short and to the point while still having an interesting story to tell. If you could learn to hone in on whatever format you used to write this one, you'd have really good poems.

 

The Six Chosen Ones On A Mission To Face Fate

On your title alone, I'm immediately brought back to the story i just reviewed by Striped Sweaters Forever. Was this inspired off it?

This poem is actually terrifying to think about. It would make an excellent short story if you really thought it through. Figuring out how to find the six chosen and who they'd be. Then who would force them to commit murder against each other.

It seems when you have a specific story in mind you really can write wonderful poetry. It's been said time and time again, 

'Write what you know.' maybe it would be best for you if you did. Because it seems the more you try to stretch out in topics you're unfamiliar with, the less quality your writing becomes. But when you know exactly what you're working with, it turns out wonderful. This poem is a wonderful example of that. Keep going with things like this.

 

Kindness

'other's' Should be 'others'.

I feel the overall message of the poem is wonderful. But there are a lot of repetitive lines that aren't really necessary.

 

The Five Heroines Are Arianna, Bea, Cierra, Deanna, And Fiona

It started like a interesting story. But then it's like you lost your focus for it and just tried to make each stanza start with 'These heroines', even when it had nothing to do with the story. Or even if you already used it. It's not one of your better ones.

 

Canine

The word is 'furry' not 'fury'. Fury means violent anger.

'This canines kill count' That should be 'canine's'.

I'm going to assume that this was one of your earlier written poems. It's simple and the storyline isn't that appealing. 

 

Feline

This poem is almost an exact replica of your canine poem. The only difference in it is that you're talking about a cat instead of a wolf. Though the storyline is a lot better than the canine, I'll say that much.

 

Anime

'were both in dismay' That should be 'we're'.

Why is there such a long space at the end of this poem? It doesn't seem necessary.

It's obvious this is a self inspired poem. Though it seems fairly simple it's nice to see you taking something you know and making it into something else.

 

2012

Let me start off by saying I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. It can be hard to lose someone close and I'm sure it's a day by day struggle. 

Ahem, but as for taking your pain and putting it towards a poem it's smart thinking. You were able to get out some emotions and put them toward something creative. While it's not the best work I've seen from you, it means more to you and that's great too. :)

 

Lucky Charm

This poem and your canine/feline poems, all have the same type of style to them. It's almost like you decided to pick any random thing and make a poem out of it. That's not poetry.

A poem should mean something to you or to someone else. Often times it could also be a small story, much like your six chosen poem. But not like this one.

 

Duchess

It's a lot better than the others I've read so far. You told a story within the stanzas created and all of it fit together. 

 

Enchantress

This has the same style as the duchess poem. Again, it's like you just wanted to make a poem so you picked the first random thing you could think of. Then as the poem progressed you ran out of things to say and none of it fit with the rest of it.

 

Temptress

This poem is literally the same thing as the Enchantress one. It even starts the same way and has similar stanzas. 

 

 

I'm not sure what to say. There are moments when you have the ability to write decent. But then you lose your style and it becomes more of the basic poems that are in this booklet. I'd suggest trying to hone in on the feelings or inspirations that led to the creation of the ones I enjoyed. Then maybe writing poems will become easier for you.

 

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