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12. She'll Be Loved - Violets (In Progress) (Unpublished)

 

#8

Aug/2015

 

Your cover and blurb are captivating enough to reel in readers.  

 

There's quite a bit I liked about this story. I've favorited and liked as I can't wait to read more!  

 

1. I loved, absolutely loved your main character. He's so headstrong about his writing that it's an attribute I can admire. But he's not blinded by it that he can't enjoy the world around him.  

2. There are moments too when I love how poetic you make your character's thoughts. For instance when he thought 'The snowflakes looked like pearls in her hair.' I could picture it beautifully.   

 

There's only two faults I found in this story. One can easily be fixed, and the other is just my preference.  

 

1. Right away I noticed a fumble in your sentences. I feel the sentence 'I could notice that by the smiles on people's faces. These smiles were a lovely disease that hurt the cheeks but never made you wish to be cured from it.' This could be made into one sentence by simply deducting words and adding a comma. Such as 'I noticed the smiles on people's faces, were a lovely disease that never made you wish to be cured from it.' just a preference of mine. 

  Sometimes I feel you don't need all those words to get your point across. As I said it's just a preference of mine. But another problem I notice you have, is that you need to add commas and space out your paragraphs better. So it isn't so smushed together.  

 

2. Another thing that kinda irked me, was that with the blurb and cover I went in thinking the POV would be a girl's. Instead I go in and it's a guy. Also it would've been nice to read the character's name, instead of just hearing 'Hey mate!' that could've been just me though.

 

Besides these things I can't wait till you update! Hopefully you don't make us wait too long. :) I can't say too much since it's just the first chapter. But it shows great promise, and I anticipate a beautiful love story to envelop.

 

 

 

Edit: 12/8/15

So now I know why the author hasn't updated, she has unpublished her story. It is no longer on the site. She has no mumble or anything to explain the reasoning, I can only assume writer's block got to her or she no longer felt motivated.

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