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50. Party at the End of the Universe - edvin damien (In Progress)

 

#44

April 11th 2017

 

The summary is very confusing and after some analyzing I get the gist, but it should be cleaned up. Also, the cover is a bit odd for the type of story it is. Have you ever considered going to a cover store? If they're too busy I can always make you a more simpler one until you can get a good one.

 

 

I'm pausing mid chapter to state that I'm hoping 'a constellation of freckles' is just a happy coincidence and that you didn't steal it from another author. Because I know for a fact they wrote their story before yours. 

Aside from that line, I actually really love this first chapter for your story. You give great descriptions that make you feel as though you're there with the characters. Not to mention the back and forth between Damien and Thorvald is cute as well. This is my first boyxboy story so it's an interesting read all around.

About the only thing I would say needs fixing is that you should reread your chapters.There's a lot of misspellings and a few unnecessary commas. But the problems are grammatical, nothing to do with your plot or characters.

 

This chapter was certainly something! Honestly I love how comfortable Damien and Thorvald are around each other. It just makes their relationship feel such more more real. Especially with all the teasing that's done toward one another. But I feel I should mention that you should try to make them more clearer. At times it's hard to figure out who Damien and Thorvald are. I mean, when I think Damien says one thing I find out that it's actually Thorvald who said it. Unless you're accidentally confusing the two while writing, in which case you should fix that.

Your description is superb! I can't get over hearing about how beautiful Thorvald is, or how nerdy Damien is and the style he wears. (Did I get that right? Cause that's what I remember based off what you wrote) Or maybe it's the way you talk about mist clouding over the street lights that takes me away. You take the smallest things we see every day and incorporate it so that it feels a thousand times more real.

You have a lot of sentences that run on the long side and could be split into two. Another thing to note is that you should watch your word variations. Sometimes they're not the ones you should be using and it confuses the reader. But in all this is another brilliant chapter.

 

I like that this has suddenly turned love story to murder mystery. I'm curious and honestly quite excited to see how the two very different boys will continue on in their personal investigation. It's amazing that Thorvald has found out so much though, how would he have access to all this information? I find that bit a little unrealistic considering he has no way of knowing all those intimate details. It's not like the press is going to know all of that.

The moment between the two in the beginning where they're rekindling after being distant, seems out of place. I feel like you should've built it up and had them estranged for a while. This way the moment you wrote can have a much harder and deeper feel to the readers. Because then we've had a chance to miss the two together and it'll hit our emotions more.

 

 

This is an amazing story. It's actually really sad to see you haven't updated more considering you're characters are so deeply written. The plot is very unique, in the fact that the characters are boyxboy (it's more complex I know, but I'm going off characters not specifics here) and they're in the midst of a murder spree. Who wouldn't want to read this?

The only thing I would suggest is a reread to fix your grammar mistakes. As stated above there's quite a few small things and adding them up takes a little away from the story. So while it's not a huge distraction, it is still a speed bump so to say. 

I can't wait till you update next and please don't hesitate to ask for more reviews in the future. 

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