Review Store

This is the place where you link me your story and I review it. ATTENTION NEW READERS: If you are here to leave me your story, please read the rules and read my later reviews (Chapters 30+) to decide if you like my style.

30Likes
293Comments
17824Views
AA

24. Monsters Under The Bed - KOWALAZ (In Progress)

 

#20

Jan/2016

 

The cover really doesn't pique my interest. The blurb would pique it even more if it weren't so lengthy.

 

 

The prologue is nice but I feel it doesn't give off the effect you were aiming for. 

 

The first chapter tells an interesting tale, but it's mainly the conversation that makes it interesting. You try to tell about the events that happen, but they jump around so fast it's hard to picture. Jessie also at several times in the chapter seems more like a girl. I realize he is a male, but the relationship between the two brothers and his inner monologue, give a feminine feel. 

 

I can honestly say that even with all the grammatical errors I'm really enjoying this story. It has a x-men feel to it and I love that series! There are certain moments too where I can picture the scenario you've written. Which is a big step up from the previous chapter. I mean the moment you wrote about with April and her computer was really cool. But I would try to flesh it out a bit, because I thought the voice she was hearing was coming from her headset.

 

Your constant big words throw me off. The entire chapter is written with a high school like grammar. Then you get one, or two if you can manage, college like words. They stick out like sore thumbs and bring me out of the chapter. Which if you aren't careful can draw readers away.

 

The way you've written out Zahara's power makes me think of Dahlia's. Obviously after you explain what she see's I realize her power isn't like hers, but the moments just before it make me think of what Dahlia feels.

 

One thing I like with Javier's inner struggles is that he's self conscious. Everyone always forgets that guys can be. So to read that he is, it's a nice change. His power is pretty cool too. 

 

I like how you connect all your characters together. Most authors can't accomplish this feat but you're doing brilliantly so far.

 

I've read Anastasia's chapter twice and I still don't fully grasp what her power is. I think it's telekinesis, but I could be wrong. The way you write it out doesn't give me a full enough picture as to what's going on. Honestly the whole power bit confused me. One minute she's having a conversation and the next this guy comes out of nowhere. 

 

Another thing I'm beginning to dislike about this story is that there's one too many characters. I would recommend shortening it down to five at the most and then making a sequel with the others you have. All of your characters are really cool but it feels like this story is going in circles. I mean just when I get accustomed to the characters I've read and want to know what happens to them, you bring in several more for me to learn about. That's great. More people. But what happened to the others?

 

Gatsby is pretty cool. I like his power and his weakness is one I was unaware could be a weakness. I also liked that you've made his character someone famous. I mean who better at needing to hide his power, than someone who has to spend his entire life in front of cameras?

 

I honestly thought Jessie's power was that he could heal. So when I find out that he can steal other people's powers, I was more than confused. Knowing this now I really do like his power. Although throughout this entire chapter I was really confused. I mean remembering the April chapter I have no idea how they ended up here. How much time has passed since then? I thought that every chapter I've been reading so far is still the same day but a different person. Now it seems like a lot of time has passed and I'm left bewildered.

 

The only person I want to know more about is Roman. He seems to be interlinked with like every other character and all I know about him is that he's Jessie's brother.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter two (Jessie):  Keep an eye out while writing. You have quite a few grammatical errors. 'Your' when it's supposed to be 'You're' or 'there' when it should be 'their'. Another thing that I noticed was you have to pay attention to which form of verb you use. Like there was a moment you wrote 'spent' when it should've been 'spend'. Every writer has their days but the difference between a good one and a novice is finding most of these mistakes in editing. 

 

Chapter three (April): A lot of the problems above are in this chapter as well. You also have moments where you misspell words or write them out in a way they don't make sense. 'How I'm I doing this ' this was a huge headache to read. Another to watch is your punctuation. I found several questions without a question mark, a period? Sure. Exclamation mark? Undoubtedly. But no question marks.

 

Chapter four (Dahlia): I should tell you that both the chapter and POV in italics the name is spelt Dehlia. It lead to confusion when later in the chapter you've written it as Dahlia. I'm hoping as I continue to read I'll figure out why Claire calls her Lily. I'm quite confused. What the hell does it mean to have a honeycomb like surface? Does that mean she feels flawed? You have him call her Dehlia. Is her name Dehlia or Dahlia? This back and forth is very confusing. The word is spelt 'I've' you always forget the 'e' whenever you write it.

 

Chapter five (Zahara): The word is spelt 'Condescendly' but it should be written 'Condescendingly' in the context you have it in. The phrase 'beaut fro' seems really out of place.There's a moment in which you write 'he's' when it should be his. You also misspell her name in Tommy's dialogue.

 

Chapter six (Javier): There are several moments where you have a semi colon after a period. You've also left out the 't' in 'curtly' so it reads as 'curly'. You've misspelled cigarette too.

 

Chapter seven (Iris): This was a headache to read. I understand your character is French, you do not have to ruin the grammar to get your point across. Another word you've mistaken is 'pored' when it should be 'poured' based off the context it's in. Was also really confused to find Iris was a dude. Iris is typically a girl's name. Most of the above mistakes from previous chapters are also in this chapter. I expect to find them in the upcoming ones as well.

 

Chapter eight (Anastasia): This chapter needs a nice long proof read. Not only for the misspellings, but also for the lack of certain words and repetitive words. Another word I've found that you mistake for another is 'loose', this is how it's spelt in the context you use it in 'lose'. 

 

Chapter nine (Gatsby): As usual the same mistakes above are in this chapter as well.

 

As expected both chapters ten and eleven have the same mistakes as the ones above.

 

 

 

This is a really interesting story. One I would love to read more of. But as it stands there's one too many character personalities to remember and then add in the multitude of grammatical errors and it's just one big headache to read.

 

Please do not misunderstand. I do not hate your writing nor do I hate or dislike your story. I just think with a little editing and cutting back on certain characters that you'd have an even better story. 

 

I ask that if you do decide to split this into two stories and once you've edited, that you ask me to read it again. Until you do though I can't like or favorite it. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you continue to write more of this wonderful story! :)

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...