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22. Love flows through - BVBrittany (In Progress)

 

#18

Dec/2015

 

The cover character is certainly creepy.

 

Just with the first chapter I've noticed a lot of grammatical errors. You could clean up your writing a bit as well. It's very choppy and could be easily fixed to flow better. A lot of fan fiction story holes as well. 

 

For instance, Pandora suddenly let's the man who tried to murder her, sleep in her bed? Said murder now has also done a complete 180 in his attitude. His once angry exterior melts away to a shy one? No serial killer I know would react in such a way. Unless of course he had split personalities. He then stays the night in the house of his almost victim? 

 

I've killed people. Odds are police are looking for me. I'm wearing bloodied clothes and have a weapon. I would not stay in a house of someone I tried to kill just minutes prior.

The constant back and forth between character POV's was quite annoying in chapter two.

I found the 'instance love' between Jeff and Pandora a little cliche and umbelievable. They just met each other last night. No human (or otherwise) falls for someone that quick. Also for someone who's supposed to be depressed she sure is trustworthy towards strangers, with her personal information.

Also? No parents leave their teenage daughter unattended while they vacation, while she's still in school.

The interaction between Jennie and Pandora was nice, but I felt you could've spent more time on it. I would've enjoyed reading more between the four of them than the 'fainting spell' you had her have earlier in that chapter.

About the only thing I do like in this story is the friendship you've built between Jennie and Pandora. Although I am still very confused about how they drifted apart. You tried to explain it in the story but I still don't understand.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1:  'He asked, no putting the knife' there's a flub there. You do not need to capitalize your words after all your ellipses. There are a lot of commas as well where you don't need them. 'What's so funny!' You're missing a question mark. Be careful of run on sentences as well. 'Played down the bedding' is spelt 'laid'. 'And layer down too' is that referencing to a comforter? The 'too' you need is 'to.' . 'I payed down my head' I think you meant 'laid'.

 

Chapter 2: 'taped'. 'Stared'. 'And kissed my again' I think you meant 'me'.

 

Chapter 3: 'laced next to her.' I think that was supposed to be 'laid'. You're going to have to reread your chapters and fix the 'laid's you've written.

 

Chapter 4: 'how long I be been' you might wanna fix that.

 

Chapter 5: 'I got excited to her to everyone.' This doesn't make sense. Scared not 'scarred'. You need question marks in your dialogue between Ben and Jeff. 'My was of being formal' this needs fixed.

 

Chapter 6: 'I got dressed and dryer my hair' dried? 'I decided o grab my' to? 'And was meet' the correct spelling for the word used in this sentence is 'met'.  'With the he chocolate' 'he' is not needed. The correct wording is 'Jeff and I'. Also it wouldn't kill you to space out that monstrosity of a paragraph you have.

 

 

In all this story has the makings to be a good one. Once you fix the grammatical errors above it should help. But it makes a perfect read for those who love fan fictions. I can't say I'm a fan of this story, but you should continue regardless of my opinion. :-) 

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