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46. Lost to the Flames - Le Fox (In Progress)

 

#41

Jan-Feb/2017

 

 

Your cover is simple but eye catching. That bright flame against the dark and outlined background really makes it pop. Your summary though is a bit of a mouthful. I'd suggest removing a few things and just get the gist across. You want to reel your readers in, not hand them everything on a silver platter.

 

 

Honestly this first chapter was a little hard to read through. Only toward the end did it start to get interesting, but it quickly became corny. 

I think my biggest thing was that most of the time I never knew what the hell Rune was saying. Like, I get it, I do. She's supposed to have an accent and the only way to show that, is by messing with her speech. But please, ease up a little. Choose certain words and phrases to draw out her accent on. Because I had to reread her dialogue twice just to understand her. (Even after I couldn't understand it sometimes.)

Also, if you're going to do that with her dialogue, be consistent. Sometimes her 'yous' would be spelled normal instead of 'yi' like you normally write them. Or you'd write 'I' for 'aye'. 

I also think there was too much character background information in this. A little is okay, but too much takes over the chapter and it becomes a bore really fast. 

Everything else I loved though! Rune, is a very relateable character. You sympathize with her and it's only the first chapter. You write the descriptions beautifully and you make your characters clear.

 

 

This was surmountably better to read than the first chapter! It's also a great character chapter as we get all of them and see the clear relationships they have. Congratulations on being one of the first stories I've read with a lesbian couple. Doing so made the read more unique and refreshing.

There was a nice leveling of description (both character and surrounding area) and character interaction. It made for a nice, smooth read and made the chapter go by with a breeze.

About the only thing I'd critique on is that Avery says something about 'special snowflakes' and there's not explanation. Though there might be one later and that's what I'm hoping for. Because without it, it's just confusing.

It's nice to know Rune knows how to speak with an English dialect!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1:

'She wasn't an idiot: she knew there were' The word after the colon should be capitalized.

'Rune sighed, as her mother, with her' The two commas are unnecessary.

'She herself held one, in a shaking hand,' The first comma can be removed.

'boarding school the the better part' I think only one of those 'the''s are necessary.

' "Are you one of our new arrivals, dear?" she asked,' Since the next person speaking is Rune and the previous sentence is finished, the word after dialogue should be capitalized.

' "Aye," ," ' We have some doubled comma and quotation mark there.

'you'll be under my care,then' The comma can be removed.

' "I'm Mrs Anderson." ' There should be a period at the end of 'Mrs'.

'there are hot meals the rest of the year, dear, just that' This sentence runs a bit long, I would end it at 'dear' and start a new one from then on.

'Now, make your way to your room, I expect to find you there when I come round in a few hours, for lights out.' I feel this sentence could also be split into two. You could end it at 'room' and start the new one from then on. The last comma is also unnecessary.

 

I also feel this would read a lot smoother if you separated your dialogue from the text.That whole paragraph was hard to read through because it was so chunky.


'Without waiting for an answer, she shuffled off again, to talk to another family,' This sentence runs a bit long, I would end it here. The second comma can be removed as well.

'have to get going soon, anyway,' The first comma can be removed.

'startled at first, and laid' The comma can be removed.

'Rune barked out a laugh, which startled' The comma can be removed.

'Yi ken that a love yi, Rune.' I get the misspellings are supposed to represent her dialect. But the word 'ken' just doesn't sound right with the sentence. I know it's supposed to represent 'know' but it doesn't even remotely sound like it.

' " Bye, Mum," ' The capitalization of 'mum' isn't necessary.

'flopped down onto the empty bed, and sighed.' The comma can be removed.

'I didn't think I was going to have a roommates this year.' The word 'roommates' shouldn't be plural for this sentence, or removing 'a' can solve the problem too.

' "It's hard toget books in suitcases," ' There's a missing space between 'to' and 'get' and you can remove the comma.

' "A mean, no that I think it's bad or anything, it's just that it seems like you ken a lot aboot them, like the other kids ken a lot aboot them anno." ' This sentence runs a bit long, I'd end it at the second comma.

'highest marks in everything, out of all our year.' The comma can be removed.

'though she's lost interest' I think that should've been 'she'd'

'Am sure every single one ae these kids' This sentence runs a bit long, I'd end it at 'God kent what' and start a new one from there.

 

'What a liar she was,' This all the way up to 'she wasn't the same as them.' Is all one big sentence with commas. That's a huge grammatical no-no. There are several commas that could be exchanged for periods. 

'What a liar she was. She knew she was and how, she thought to herself, how did she manage to convince herself that these people here would care about her? Would try and stop her from running away if they knew what Suzanne said was wrong, that she wasn't the same as them.'

 

'So what was there to stop her, Rune wondered, as she lay awake in her bed long past midnight,'  The second comma can be removed and the third can be exchanged for a period.

'listening to Suzanne's soft snores and he'd occasionally grumbling stomach and the parasitical words of her mind.' This can be the start of a new sentence, I also think you meant 'her' instead of 'he'd'. You can exchange the first 'and' for a comma.

'What was thereto stop her' A space is missing between 'there' and 'to'.

'but a token foot probably would not' I think you meant 'broken'.

'So,no,' The first comma can go.

through her veins.Idiot, she though to herself.' There should be a space between 'veins' and 'idiot'. You're also missing a letter in 'thought'.

'like a candle, and turned her phone on.' The comma can be removed.

'Chantelle and Brendan with their tongues down one another's throats, Rachel with her hair ruffled and wild and a glass of what was probably Irn Beu in her hand. Rune herself was crushed up against Taylor's bare chest, while he grinned like a madman, and Rhia just laughed at all of them. Her crazy, crazy friends.' This is another of those 'all commas, one period' paragraphs that I fixed for you.

'How Taylor had in an instant changed from a puppy to a wolf. How Rachel's preference for Irn Bru had turned to a preference to something more than a little bit stronger. Chantelle and Declan not just kissing each other, but doing far more and with anyone they could find in the long long nights. How Rhia was gone and Rune was in a boarding school three hours away from all of them.' A run on sentence I fixed and I removed some 'and's and changed your 'wasn't' to 'was' because it made more sense.

'She let out a soundless sob, and felt a hand on her shoulder.' The comma can go.

'extibguishing' This is misspelled.

'said the shadow, with a strange accent' The comma can go.

'Why were you sitting on the stairs.' That should be a question mark not a period.

'Because I saw you come out of that room, and that room' The comma can go.

'Rune rolled her eyes, but took his hand' Remove the comma.

 

Chapter 2:

'the strength of Rune's utter, utter exhaustion' The second 'utter' can go, there's no need for it.

'and oddly, the way that his eyes had look in the night, like ice.' I feel the comma can be replaced with ellipses and change the rest to 

'the way that his eyes had looked like ice.' Then it reads less repetitive and more smoothly.

'As they got changed, Suzanne and Rune were silent,' This sentence runs a bit long, I feel you can end it here and replace the second comma with a period. Then fixing the rest of it as you reread it.

'Rune, on the other hand, had dug out a black leather rucksack from the depths of her wardrobe a couple nights before, and held her phone in her hand just in case it fell through the tearing bottom.' Again this sentence is too long.

'Rune on the other hand, had dug out a black leather rucksack from the depths of her wardrobe a couple nights before. She held her phone in her hand just in case it fell through the tearing bottom.' It's not a big change this way and is less of an eyesore.

 

Remember: A sentence can be up to twenty to thirty words. Any longer and it's an eye sore or run on.

 

'broke out into a smile, and she raced over to them.' The comma can be removed.

'oh this is my be roommate' I think the 'be' can be vetoed.

'Of course it's no.' I think you're missing a letter.

'Suzanne said, with a laugh.' The comma can go.

'She pointed to the far left corner, where a boy sat,' The first comma is unnecessary.

'looked like sausages, but from a distance' The sentence runs long, I feel ending it here where the comma is will fix it.

'getting closer to him now, and he' The comma can be removed.

'women in red dressed, serving the breakfast.' The comma can be removed.

'another counter to her left, and sighed' The comma can go.

'went to grab her toast, with butter, and sat' The first and third comma I feel can be removed and replaced with those line things. (-)

'went to grab her toast -with butter- and sat' This way it reads smoother.

'elbowing him in the ribs, which caused him to yelp' The comma can be removed.

'Rune just rolled her eyes, and continued eating her toast, until she heard a banging on a table, and jerked around.'  The first and third comma can be removed. Not every 'and' needs a comma before it.

'your names shortly, and hand you' The comma can be removed.

'graced the woman's lips, as she sat back down' The comma can be removed.

'Mrs Worracha's' The period is missing from 'Mrs'.

'Don't get on her bad side, I'd say' The comma can be removed.

'Suzanne smiled, and went to collect' The comma can be removed.

'Laelia said, and Rune nodded.' The comma can be removed.

'And I sing, too' The comma can be removed.

'called her name, and she jumped up' The comma can be removed.

'Grabbing her time table, she read it over' The comma can be removed.

'Suzanne asked, puller her' The comma can be removed.

'English and math classes, while Rune' This sentence runs a bit long, you can cut it here and replace the comma with a period.

'smirking at her, and fell back' The comma can be removed.

 

 

 

Honestly I feel really crappy that I only made it through two chapters. But to be perfectly frank, each time I go to read one of your chapters I find it hard to stay focused. Whether it's because of your MC or because I just have a short attention span, I don't know. 

 

Regardless, the two chapters that I did read were good. I'm not completely in love with your story, but it has an interesting concept and the characters are unique. They each have their own flair they bring to the chapters and make it a memorable read. I'm sad to know that I won't know how Rune was blessed with such powers, or who else at that school has them. But it's nice to know that this isn't your average boarding school.

If I had to critique on anything it's that you should watch your commas and keep the background information to a minimum. At least until you can put more in at a later time. Along with watching Rune's dialect. At time it was hard to understand what her character was saying, and it lead me to stop at just two chapters because of it. What fun is it if you can't understand what you're reading?

You do have a good story, it just needs some smoothing out. But what do I know? Have you seen your favorites? :)

Thanks for the comment and please leave me more as I do love your writing style!

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