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36. Living with One Direction - BabyGirl Booo (In Progress)

 

#32

Aug/2016

 

On first glance the cover isn't really grabbing and it's a cliche storyline. There's so many slave or auction stories about the 1D fandom it's not even funny. I think there's a top story that's actually called Auction about the 1D guys.

 

Your first chapter isn't horrible but it seems awful short. The flashback in the beginning is a nice touch. It gives you character background and feel without making you feel like you read their life story. But I wish there was more about where she's currently at. You give a vague description and it honestly doesn't seem like the girls are fighting to escape. But yet none of them are tied up so it doesn't explain anything.

Another thing. You write that evey girl is stolen (I assume that's what you meant.) at the age of fifteen to become a slave. Next sentence you say it's a rule of the government. Which is it? If it's part of the government then it would explain why the girls don't do anything. But if they're being held against their will, then you have a lot of plot holes. There's no guards, the girls aren't trying to escape or upset that they're held captive.

 

Chapter 1: 'My new begins tomorrow.' Her new what? 'MUST be stealing as a slave.' Shouldn't that be 'stolen'?

 

Again, the second chapter the two girls seem like they aren't upset that they're there at all. They seem excited over the fact some creep is going to buy them and make them a slave. Not to mention they just happen to have make up and nice dresses lying around? Maybe a little background would be nice. Like explaining this stuff was given to them by the people in charge of running the warehouse? None of that is mentioned so it looks like the stuff appeared out of thin air. 

You've got the boys temperaments all over the place. I don't know one person, fictional characters included, that acts like they do. I get that you wanted them to come off as scary and strict in this chapter but all I got, was they were in need of serious help or a screw to help relieve some testosterone. Harry and Niall are the only boys I enjoyed her interaction with and that's because they acted like normal human beings.

Also? Another thing, if they are holding her against her will than she shouldn't have a phone.

 

Chapter 2: 'waiting for backstage of the auction.' Either you're missing a word or something needs to be fixed. 'Say a girl to the right' Should be 'Said'. 'we are stand out front of a mansion.' This should be fixed up quite a bit. 'Storeys' is spelt 'Stories'. 'watching and 80 inch tv.' Should be 'an' not 'and'. 'whilst point to the rooms.' Should be 'pointing'. 'it the white wall is in the back of the room.' This seems really choppy and wordy. Maybe you could clean it up a bit? Have the sentence flow better for the story. 'it the room as well' Should be an 'in' not 'it'.

 

Okay, if Zayn treated her the way he did in the second chapter I'd expect it every time I saw him. You can't just blame it on the fact he 'wasn't thinking'. If that were the case he would've shown signs of regret or guilt when he saw her cower in fear. He did those actions intentionally with means to intimidate. That's a serious character plot hole. 

I'm also not fond of the fact that she seems to be friends with all the guys so quickly. That should be something that takes time to form not within a second.

 

Chapter 3: 'as the run into my room.' Missing a letter should be 'they'. 'They both has guilty' Should be 'have'. You misspelled Niall's name in the next sentence, twice.

 

All in all, I'm not fond of this story. You need some serious kinks to be straightened out and then it could be a decent fan fiction. But right now it's just poorly written and nothing about it is original. I apologize for the crass statement and hope you aren't bitter with me. You asked for CC and that's what I gave you.

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