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42. Katrine and the Serpent - Sakura (In Progress)

 

#38

Dec/2017

 

Your cover is simple, which isn't always a bad thing it just doesn't stick out. The lettering is a bit small and the embroidery around the first letters make it hard to read the title. The serpent is the only thing I love about the whole thing. Makes me think of Harry Potter. Your summary could use some spice to it as well.

 

 

The introduction is actually quite chilling. In so few words, you've managed to build a small structure of life that the readers will leave feeling as though they've lived with your characters forever. Between the neighbor with the changeling and the physical abuse at home, you also touch on morbid things that'll leave the reader enticed. It's a superb beginning. The art is also lovely, I wonder is it your own drawing or from a story?

 

Her home life is so uneventful. It's no wonder the poor girl daydreams most of the time. It's a shame her father treats her the way he does, I feel like because of his smothering she can never truly reach her full potential. Her mind for wanting to study the neighboring land intrigues me and makes me wonder if maybe she'd be better off a scholar. In her time though that'd be frowned upon. I can't wait to see what happens next.

 

The fear she feels from her father makes my heart ache. The way you've written it makes it so earnest that I can't deny the character feelings behind it. It doesn't seem forced or imitated. You write your character so realistically that I feel as though I'm actually her while reading. It's wonderful to read.

I'm also curious about the snake. Is it because it's magic that she can talk to it? Or is it because she has a gift that it's possible? Also, if he's not of the forest than what is he? A mage of some kind that is hiding out in a small village? You leave me with questions and I would very much like answers to them.

 

 

 

 

Introduction:

'who forgot to light her fire one night, and her' The comma isn't necessary because you have a conjunction (and). 

'it could be incinerated, and returned' Remove the comma.

'the next morning, and her fires' Remove the comma.

 

Chapter 1:

'"Katrine!" barked Mor.' The first words outside the dialogue should be capitalized. 

 

Ex. I watched her walk across the street.

"Stalker." she muttered. < Incorrect.

 

She reached for her phone and dialed.

"911." She said into the receiver. < Correct. 

The sentences before the dialogue all end. Meaning that the word written after the dialogue should be capitalized. Unless of course the sentence before has a comma break, than you lowercase it.

You do this throughout the chapter so you should go back and check.

 

Chapter 2:

'stabbing the ground, and Bengt' Remove the comma.

'My mother had labored hard with me, and had been barren after my birth.' Remove the comma.

'but he was beaten down today, and grim.' Remove the comma.

'pitying gaze on my back, and my ears reddened.' Remove the comma.

'for the season today, and I would like' Remove the comma.

'as I approached, and I shuddered' Remove the comma.

'It wriggled, and I nearly shrieked' Remove the comma.

'I know the stories of these woods, I am not addled' Remove the comma.

 

 

 

I think you're story so far is wonderful! It's only just started but you've given character background information and have allowed us to be in her life as it happens. Add in the magic moments and you've hit the trifecta! There's really nothing bad I have to say about it except to remember the dialogue rule and watch your commas. But those are grammatical and not story related. I think you're off to a great start and I can't wait for the next update. :)

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