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30. It's Not All Black and White - KOWALAZ (In Progress)

 

#26

Feb/2016

 

The cover's intriguing, the blurb? Not so much.

 

Honestly I think why this took so long to read was because of the blurb. You have that rhyme, which is unique but you also have inner monologue from the MC. I would pick one or the other. Having both looks like a jumbled mess and your monologue is cut off, leaving the future reader put off.

 

It also was a huge turn off to reread the exact passage in the blurb, in your first chapter. At least if you only make us reread one section, it isn't as bad as reading the whole thing over.

 

Your characters are well introduced. I can empathize with Judah with everything you give us about him in the first four chapters. We can easily picture him with the description you gave us and you brought in a decent bond with the sister, in little to no words.

 

One thing I do enjoy about reading your stories -besides the content- is that you can describe everything so easily. It's a feat most writers don't get a full grasp on. I'll admit I still have issues with description every now and again. You should take pride in that. :-) 

 

Your Au seemed extremely interesting, but once it was time for the choosing it felt like Hunger Games. The rings that marked peoples skin that told of their rank, genius. I really enjoyed learning about the different ranks of people. But I feel you could've chosen a different way for the choosing ceremony to commence.

 

If there's one thing I'd comment on about your system, it's that I wish we were told more about what each rank is capable of. You've given us a lot to work with, but I feel there's still more to learn as the story progresses. 

 

Another thing that irked me whilst I read, you introduce two women in your story; both of which your MC describes as being wanted. I understand they come from the None ranking, but I would suggest adding something more in about women from that rank. If the readers understand that all women who come from that rank have that same appeal, maybe they'll feel less inclined to roll their eyes like I did. Unless of course it's just those two. Then I would have future meetings or settings with more women of that rank. Just so us readers can better understand the significance. As it stands I think the MC only thinks with one head. And it's not the one which holds his cranium.

 

 

 

 

Chapters 1-5: As per usual -and as you anticipated- there's a lot of the same mistakes from previous stoies, in this one. Like 'your' when it should be 'you're'. Another is 'their' when it should be 'they're'. You also have a tendency to end a sentence just before fragmenting it. Ex. 'Scarred rings.;They line up evenly'  That's a problem within itself. Not only is it bad grammatics, but it puts off the reader. 

 

There was a moment while reading I stumbled across a sentence that read 'now no' when the first word should've been 'know'. A simply fix. There are other moments in which an occasion like this occurred. Mostly in chapters four and five. I would suggest a reread to prevent confusion.

 

 

 

Overall I thought it was a well written story so far. Besides the few things above I could see myself even favoriting! I hope you continue on with this and I hope the more you write, the easier it becomes. 

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