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41. Hoist the Colours - Lady Christmas Panda (In Progress)

 

#37

Dec/2017

 

The summary isn't very catching. It doesn't make you want to jump right in and read it. All it tells is the information of the main character. Maybe if there was a line hinting toward the future it'll add some intrigue. As for the cover? It's brilliant and mysterious which is the exact thing you need for a story such as this one.

 

 

 

I think the first chapter is a great way to start the story. Instantly you get a nice vision of what the main character Morrow is like. But it still has enough suspense in it to keep the reader guessing and interested. All in all not a bad chapter.

 

I'm going to be completely honest when I say, that about the only thing I remember about this chapter was the run on sentences. Aside from that though, Morrow's personality stayed pretty much the same which kept for an interesting read. As for Arverly and Torro, there was a lot of times when I couldn't tell who was who. (Keep in mind I kept having to get up from reading this chapter. Add in the multiple grammatical errors I had to pause for and it's chaos.) But characters should still be more defined and have separate voices. About the only way I could tell the difference was that Arverly really likes bombs. 

As a team though I love the trio together. From what I can remember from reading this the first time, I do know that they appear a few more times. (Not as many as I liked, but they still appeared.) The chapter as a whole makes for an interesting read and leaves the reader hooked in. 

 

I really liked this chapter. This is more like the writing style I expect from you. The descriptions were on point and created brilliantly worded settings, while still keeping enough character interaction that it's not the entire chapter. Personally I love that Morrow is the type of pirate who would take a wound to save his ship mates. It shows more to his character opposed to his wild and untamed attributes. Arverly is getting to become more into focus now as a character as well, but Torro isn't very well spoken.

 

Your chapters are getting more interesting as they progress. I mean, I knew I loved this story when I first reviewed it. It's why I favorited it and liked it as well. But I forgot why I loved it so much. It's because even though the first few chapters start off slow, the rest of the story picks up and you lose yourself in the moments and characters you created. I absolutely adore the trio! Though Torro really doesn't speak much and is more of a 'hide, then run' type of pirate, he makes a nice balance between Arverly and Morrow's mischief. The back and forth banter between them as they pick on Arverly for having a girl, suggests a bond they've developed from being with one another for so long. 

This was a great character opening chapter. It fully gives us the things we need, to see the friendship that wasn't so dominant earlier on. Even down to them following after Morrow though they know it's foolish, but they do because without him they have no direction. A brilliant chapter.

 

Morria is still my favorite. According to your recent chapter you plan on changing her background story and her name. I'm going to be honest when I say I'm going to miss it. Though, if her character remains the same I really will have no complaints. Because it's her characteristics and personality that I love most about her. The fact that she goes head on about things with Morrow makes her the independent character I loved. 

Morrow is still pretty much th same but I noticed he seems to be softer around her. Not in the 'his whole world stops' kind of way but the 'only because you're a girl and you used to mean something to me' way. I loved when Torro called him out on being jealous because that's exactly what he is. Though he'll deny it of course, just like he'll denying crying over losing his ship.

 

I loved the fighting scene in this chapter. Between Morrow's taunting toward the crew and his actions to them, I found myself laughing. But there are certain things I'd like to point out, like if there were twenty men and he flipped their captain onto his back; wouldn't they just go after him again? I know you made it seem as though they were cowards so it would be funny, but I doubt that the events that took place afterward would actually happen. It's just not realistic.

I'm hoping in the next chapter we learn some character information. About the only thing I know about my characters are their names and descriptions.

 

The sudden change of POV is interesting. A bit unexpected but if you plan on having more of her chapters come in, than it's acceptable. Can I say though that her character is quite dramatic? Getting revenge for sending her off to sea -almost killing her- is understandable. But to drag in Bartrolome? The man who wanted to kill him at the start of the story? I think she just bit off more than she can chew.

(I'm also just not realizing that I think later on, it does indeed backfire on her.) But I guess I'll wait and see.

 

Aside from getting the readers caught up to present time, there wasn't really much to this chapter. There was no character development, no new information -aside from them crashing the boat- and nothing meaningful to the plot. Which, by the way I'm still trying to figure out what that is. I thought we were going to get a glimpse of it in seven when Morrow said 'we have some unfinished business' or to some extent. But then you went to Morria's POV and now this chapter. We didn't even get to read where it was they were supposed to be going. Also, I thought Torro was the overweight one...not Arverly. If that's not the case I think you should rework your earlier chapters as that's how you portray him at least.

Your chapter is comical and brings it back to where we were last chapter, but it's not the greatest.

 

Maybe I missed something that you can explain to me, but what did her father's death have to do with anything? Was it just to explain the dress? If so, that's a very poor reason to kill of a relative. I went back and reread the dialogue between Morrow and Morria but nothing says why she had him killed. I noticed this is also another chapter with no character development.

 

This is a good filler chapter. You continue on from the previous one with a comical fight and bring them back to a fixed ship. (Which, by the way I'm still curious as to how it got that way.) I'd also like to know how the bar got set on fire. Because the only thing that dropped was a glass of rum. There was no reason as to why it should've caused a fire.

Maybe now that our characters are back on the sea, we can work on character development and the major plot point. Which I'd also like to know what it is.

 

This chapter was another of your comical ones. It's also shorter than your others and I feel you could've added more by putting in some character growth. Like maybe getting Torro and Arverly to break them up and having the trio talk about Morrow's hatred for Morria. I'm honestly really curious as to why he dislikes her so. I mean it's one thing to hate your ex, it's another to purposely cause harm to them.

 

It's not a lot but, WE GOT SOME MINOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!! Go Morria! Go Morrow! Between the news of Morrow's dead sister and Morria's apology to her betrayal, this was a step in the right direction. A very overdue step, but a step none the less.

I'm also very curious as to why their ship blew up also.

 

Could we be getting into the plot now? Is this old man supposed to help guide him on his way toward a better life? Ha, that'd be nice. But I doubt Morrow would have the time nor patience to listen to the old man. I also feel like Morrow's goal would be more toward the Trading Company. Oooo, what if the old man used to work for them? That'd be a nice plot twist.

It's an okay chapter. But it feels more like filler than anything else.

 

What is it that the old man wants? This is a slightly better chapter as it gives us more surrounding area descriptions and new characters. But I still have no idea who these people are and no clue as to what your characters are in for. You're also an evil author for making us wait an entire year before posting anything about this story, after leaving us with this chapter.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1:

'It was burning strong, and had an iron staff in it' You can take the comma out because you have a conjunction. (and)

The sentence starting with,

'You could get your head cut off' and the last sentence ending with,

'gouged from your skull.' all can be one sentence with comma breaks where the periods are. 

'They flinched, and stepped forward to grab me' The comma can be removed.

We had a problem with this before and I remember I agreed with it for whatever purpose you had it for. But you capitalize 'Head' in reference to the older guy. But I feel it's unnecessary. You don't even have it capitalized when you note him at the beginning of the chapter. 

'I nodded slightly to him, and flipped a coin between my fingers.' The comma can be removed.

'I didn't know, and I wasn't exactly ready to find out.' The comma isn't necessary.

Maybe slip in a 'I asked.' After his dialogue in the next line. It's hard to tell who's speaking, especially since the next line describes Bartrolome. So readers assume it's him, but it doesn't make sense since the question is directed to him.

'I could be hanged, and I should.' Veto the comma.

'I run into you again, and you get a death sentence' Comma. I'm sensing a pattern.

'They walked up behind me, and grabbed my shoulders tightly' Comma.

'Bartrolome walked to his fireplace, and picked up the iron staff.' Comma.

'"P". For "Pirate".' The p and pirate should be enclosed with the single quotation mark. (') Not the double as it is. It should also be one sentence and not two separate ones.

'One soldier put his hand over my mouth. Another's grip tightened.' Should be one sentence.

'Bartrolome turned my left hand over, and held the iron over my skin.' Comma.

'It prickled my skin, and I winced.' Comma.

'And, with one quick move,' Remove the first comma.

 

Chapter 3:

'It was burning. Burning hot.' This should be one sentence.

'The iron finally came away from my skin, and,' The two commas are unnecessary.

I understand that a lot of the times you use these commas it's because you want to create suspense. But you can still achieve the same affect without the pauses. The above sentence could easily be split into two and it'll create the same response.

'Bartolome' You misspelled his name. 'Bartrolome' You do this quite a few times throughout the chapter.

'As I pirate,' Missing a word?

'I got up from the branding chair, and grinned wide.' Unnecessary comma.

'"You promised not kill me. Yet,"' This should be one sentence with ellipses between it and the word 'yet'.

'I reminded him, choking,' The second comma is unnecessary.

'I carefully brushed my dirty pants' A comma would be nice right here as it's a long sentence with no breaks.

'Sweeping a hand over my blond hair, I got ready for him to slap me. Riff me. Anything, really.' The first comma should be moved over to where teh period lies. Then, another should be placed after the second period and the last comma vetoed. Thus making it,

'Sweeping a hand over my blond hair I got ready for him to slap me, riff me, anything really.' making a much smoother read.

'His red face went a pale pink, and fists unclenched.' Unnecessary comma.

'But, nervous as I was,' The second comma is unnecessary.

Cavery snorted in amusement but,' This comma can be vetoed.

'the only acquaintance you have coming to rescue you, from life,' The first comma can be removed.

'Cavery's body was charred, and' Unnecessary comma.

'Bartrolome, was nowhere to be seen.'  Unnecessary comma.

'Arverly and Toro, my acquaintances, stood in the doorway, looking extremely dangerous, as usual.' Oddly enough only two of those commas should be removed. The one after their names and the one after the word doorway.

'I walked up to them, casually, as if nothing was bloody wrong, and everything around me was not, in fact, on fire.' Ahem, ignoring the urge to ask if I can edit. Remove the first, third and fourth commas.

'He used. My last name. Exasperated, I nodded, dodging his question before responding.' The first two sentences should be one with ellipses between the two.The last sentence the second comma should be removed.

'Arverly was getting very annoying, and torro' The comma can go.

'the footsteps grow closer, and louder.' Unnecessary comma.

'The soldiers appeared at the door, lead by their commodore, William Carter.' The first comma can go.

'Torro dropped his weapon, and put his hands up.' Unnecessary comma.

'the glass cracking and breaking down in the streets.' That should be 'cracked' and 'broke'. It should also be the start of a new sentence.

'I swung off a sign, and landed sorely on my bum.' Unnecessary comma.

'Arverly, without another thought, threw down another bomb.' To prevent repetition what if you wrote, 'without a thought' instead of 'another'? It would sound better to me at least.

'sending the horses running,their master's holding on for dear life.' Remove the comma, place an 'and' and remove the apostrophe from 'master's'. You are talking about several masters not one masters belongings.

'In his croaky voice, he hollered back at me,' Remove the first comma.

'As if to prove my point, a townhouse collapsed, blocking our way out.' Remove the first comma.

'I cursed loudly, earning a kick from Torro.' Remove the comma.

'Torro sighed loudly, but despite his doubts,' Remove the first comma.

'We all stood, weapons at ready, me with my pistol, Torro with his cutlass, and Arverly with his bombs.' Remove the first comma and change the second one with a period. Then I feel you should start the next sentence with,

'Myself with a pistol, Torro with his cutlass and Arverly with his bombs.' 

'He smiled sheepishly, and Torro rolled his eyes.' Unnecessary comma.

'his lips forming a smirk, and eyes' Unnecessary comma.

'We were sparring with the Men, who came after us.' Unnecessary capitalization and comma.

 

Chapter 4:

'as me, Arverly, and Torro' The comma can be removed and there's a rule that states when talking of others use the, 'him, her and I' system. So it'd be best if you swapped Morrow and Torro to fit that rule.

'I sighed, and ducked into the alleyway.' Remove the comma.

'"Well, it's either this, or the soldiers." "Your choice, and your funeral."' The second and third comma in between the two sentence can be removed.

'as far as the eye can see: shadows, and darkness.' Remove the comma and when using the colon, remember the next word after it should be capitalized.

'Note my sarcasm, here.' Unnecessary comma.

'Sick men ran across the streets, and in every other alleyway a fight had broken out, and the breaking of glass and gun shots could be heard across the street.' This is what I refer to when I talk about run-on sentences. If you remove the first comma and place a period after 'out' that's a complete sentence. Then if you remove and from the second half you have another complete sentence.

 

Okay this next sentence would take too long to explain how to fix so instead, I'm going to show you how you wrote it and then show you how I think it should be written.

'Arverly, finally having sinsing his eyes out with rum while silently cursing me to the depths, opening his mouth so I could see his dirty teeth, to a look at my shabby get-away boat.'

'Arverly, having rinsed his eyes out with rum while silently cursing me to the depths, opened his mouth to let me see his dirty teeth, finally took a look at my shabby get-away boat.' 

'He began rubbing his eyes once more,' Remove the comma.

'could be be a possibility,' Remove the comma.

'Well, hello, good sir.' I feel instead of the second comma you could use ellipses.

'He was frothing at the mouth,' Remove the comma.

Maybe you could separate the 'Please dear reader' bit up until the 'back to the story' from the paragraph it's connected to. Then it'll have more of the dramatic effect you're looking for.

'Arverly became aware of them, and, nudging me, whispered' Remove the first and second comma.

'Shady figures in Nero street. Common, yes, but they could be more than we think they are.' 

'Shady figures in Nero street: Common, yes. But they could be more than we think they are.' 

'sick, and we simply knocked him out.' Remove the comma.

'the three men lurched forward, and so began the fight.' Remove the comma.

'I pulled out my rapier,' Remove the comma.

'eachother' Missing a space.

'gushing with blood, and grinned wickedly.' Remove the comma.

'to where the pain was, and I' Remove the comma.

'He turned, and ran.' Remove the comma.

'picked me up by the shoulder, and' Remove the comma.

'into the boat, and sailed' Remove the comma.

'And, my mind went black.' Remove the comma.

 

Chapter 5:

'desperately, and wuite annoyingly' Remove the comma.

'And, personally,' Remove the first comma.

'I was aching all over, and' Remove the comma.

'I was bleeding, and from' Remove the comma.

I thought he was lying on the boat with eyes close. If he is then how could he see his blood?

'He grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook me violently.' Remove the comma.

'Slowly, with great effort, they pushed me overboard.' Instead of the second comma why not do ellipses?

'I was suffocating, and' Remove the comma.

'I pushed up, and came to the surface.' Remove the comma.

'Arverly and Torro wheeled around, and their eyes opened wide.'

'I spat out water, and leaned against the boat.' Remove the comma.

'"You nearly died, and, more importantly, I almost got stuck with Captain Arverly!"' Remove the first two commas.

'"Because, I have a date on the line, and i'd prefer not to die before then."' Remove the first comma and capitalize the I in 'i'd'.

'I sat up, and Arverly jumped from foot to foot, each of us squealing,' Remove the first comma.

'Torro blushed profusely, and punched me in the arm.' Remove the comma.

'I exhaled painfully, and smiled again.' Remove the comma.

'We dived into the sea, nothing short of graceful, as I like to believe, though I am sure due to our quick departing from the Mandarinflail we probably looked like a bunch of idiots.'

'We dived into the sea. Nothing short of graceful as I like to believe, though I am sure due to our quick departing from the Mandarinflail, we probably looked like a bunch of idiots.'

'from Torro splapping me' Splapping?

'were ripped to peices.' That should be 'pieces'.

'The boat I had had for so long was history, to say.' To say the least?

'I will allow you to believe it was from the seawater though, to be honest, it wasn't.' 

'I will allow you to believe it was from the seawater, though to be honest, it wasn't.'

'The next thing my friends knew it,' Unnecessary word?

'I had my dagger in my mouth, and was cursing up a storm.' Remove the comma.

'I carefully snuck up behind him, and raised my left leg' Remove the comma.

',and fell face first, knocking himself out.' Remove the first comma.

'Torro ran into the mast, and blacked out as well' Remove the comma.

'Looking at them nervously, I mumbled, thought I knew they couldn't hear me, to my friends, "Thanks a lot guys."'

'Looking at them nervously I mumbled -though I knew they couldn't hear me- to my friends, "Thanks a lot guys."'

 

Chapter 6:

'The man took me by the scruff of my neck harshly, and shook me.' Remove the comma.

'He picked me up by the scruff of my neck, and tossed me in a cell.' As you can see, you've clearly already stated the same man has him by the scruff of his neck. Maybe just a sentence about how with his hold still on him he tossed him into the cell.

'Before leaving, he grunted,' Remove the first comma.

'Arverly and Torro came barreling in after me, and to my displeasure' Remove the comma.

'She stood up in her ragged dress as I got up off my bum. And knocked me back down.' Ellipses between the two sentences to make it into one.

'Then Miss. Punch-A-Lot saw Torro. And, as I like to say, gave me a heart attack.' 

'Then, Miss Punch-A-Lot saw Torro. And as I like to say, gave me a heart attack.' Miss is not an abbreviation so there isn't a need for a period. Also, I thought Averly was the one with the girlfriend but in moments through this chapter like the one above, you say it's Torro who has the girlfriend.

'Torro hugged her, and began to spin her around.' Remove the comma.

'madly and dizzily, I spoke up,' Change the last comma to a period.

'Torro smiled, and waltzed over to me.' Remove the comma.

'He turned, and slipped his hat over his eyes to sleep.' Remove the comma.

'I, grumbling curse words, wheeled around to stare at the dirty floor of the brig.' 

'I -grumbling curse words- wheeled around to stare at the dirty floor of the brig.'

When did Morrow become shirtless? Has he been shirtless this whole time and I just only now noticed?

'The needle slipped from my fingers, and we went sprawling.' Remove the comma.

'And the battle for the White Sapphire began. With a huge bang.' Combine the two sentences with ellipses.

 

Chapter 7:

'Now, let's get this straight, dear readers.' Remove the second comma.

'I stood in the doorway, and shot' Remove the comma.

'stll in his hand, and' Remove the comma.

'He looked at me, and I knew what I did was about to get up close and personal.' I'm not sure what you were going for with this sentence.

'I guess we weren't fast enough, for as we ran, he snatched us up by the scruff of our necks.'

'I guess we weren't fast enough. For as we ran, he snatched us up by the scruff of our necks.'

'It was Morria. With a gun.' Use ellipses instead of separating it into two sentences.

'"The Little Girl can't scare me."' There's no need for the capitalization.

'Morria smirked, and shook her head' Remove the comma.

'He dropped Torro and I, and leaned against the wall.' Remove the comma.

'Running around him, I ran next to Morria, who was cornering to pirates.' Remove the second comma and I think you mean 'two'.

'It turned around.' I think you mean 'I'.

'She rolled her eyes, and turned to me.' Remove the comma.

'The Captain, who looked very pampered, to my disgust, announced.' Unnecessary capitalization.

'The captain, who looked very pampered -to my disgust- announced.' 

'I shook it. Slowly.' Use ellipses instead of separating them into two sentences.

'Torro, fell, limp onto his back.' Remove the second comma.

'"Well, what are you doing, standing there!? Go and do what ilI said, you pathetic maggots!"' Remove the second comma. Then fix the second sentence to 'I'.

'and releasing Morria, who ran to Torro.' Remove the comma.

'I threw her rations, and a cloak' Remove the comma.

'With a wave, and a small smirk' Remove the comma.

'He hastily grabbed them again, and kept heaving.' Remove the comma.

'Morria, dear.' Remove the comma.

 

Chapter 8:

'When an English ship, the Lightening's Thunder finally catches sight of me, huddled in a cloak, underfed and raving mad, they rescue me.' 

'When an English ship, the Lightening's Thunder rescues me I'm huddled in a cloak, underfed and raving mad.' 

'for the long, two month voyage' Remove the comma.

'Sound appealing.' That should be a question mark.

'Let me tell you. It is not bloody fun!' Instead of two separate sentences, join them with a colon.

'I was determined to get my revenge on him. And I did.' Join the two with ellipses.

 

Chapter 9:

'The Morretian. Cold. Invested with sharks. It is where pirates way anchor.' 

'The Morretian: Cold, infested with sharks, it also where pirates way anchor.'

'I wheeled around, and began to walk slowly toward Arverly.' Remove the comma.

'My finger twitched on the trigger. And we were knocked over.' Combine the sentences with ellipses.

'He was around seven feet tall, if that was even possible, and had a knife stuck into his skull.' Remove the second comma.

'An eye was missing, and when he grabbed me by the neck,' Remove the first comma.

'I felt bad. For the cat.' A comma in between the two to combine them.

'Arverly slowly slid his hand into his sleeve, and pulled out a dagger.' Remove the comma.

'he jumped on his toe, and began to run away, screaming,' Remove the first and second commas.

'I took hours to make those look like that!' I think you meant 'It'.

'I got up, and began to run again, backwards.' Remove the first comma and replace the second with ellipses.

'He took off after me, my arms flailing, and him giving yelps, holding his knee.' 

'He took off after me, my arms flailing and him giving yelps while holding his knee.'

'Despite my predicament, with the fat Arverly chasing me, I stared at him, raising an eyebrow.'

'Despite my predicament -with the fat Arverly chasing me- I stared at him raising an eyebrow.'

'Torro took the stick, and poked a pirate in the eye.' Remove his name and the comma.

'Next thing I knew, a pirate was standing over me, holding a sack.' Remove the first comma.

'I wasn't knocked out. I was in a bag!' Combine the two by placing a comma between them.

'that had captured me, Arverly, and Torro, surrounding us.' Again you have to remember the 'and I ' rule. And remove the second comma. You do it again later in the chapter.

 

Chapter 10:

'Morria appeared from the shadows, in a beautiful dress.' Remove the comma.

'It was gray, with black lace trimming it.' Remove the comma.

'Her hair was curled back perfectly, tied in an ebony bow.' Remove the comma.

'looking at my sandy hair, and bleeding nose.' Remove the comma.

'He hit you with a pan, and shot' Remove the comma.

I feel instead of 'whisper-yelled' you could rephrase it to 'Averly screamed in a whisper toward my ear'.

'I finally accepted it; she wasn't yielding, I was going to die.' The semi colon and the comma should be swapped.

'Morria smiled at me, and walked away.' Remove the comma.

'leaped from their hiding places, and began the attack.' Remove the comma.

'I grabbed her, and turned her to face' Remove the comma.

'She yowled, and struggled.' Remove the comma.

 

Chapter 11:

'Looking over the side, I saw her burst to the surface' Remove the comma.

'I flinched, and ran away from the balcony.' Remove the comma.

'I protested, and jumped across the glass' Remove the comma.

'I shrieked, and dropped the bottle.' Remove the comma.

'The rum spilled onto the floor, and into the gun powder.' Remove the comma.

'This bar has terrible service, and on top of that' Remove the comma.

'I took a step back, and turned toward the Commodore' Remove the comma.

'you spare my life, and I'll do whatever you want' Remove the comma.

'I gasped, and kept running.' Remove the comma.

The word you want is 'peeked' not 'peaked'.

'I switched sides. Another run in.' Combine the sentences with ellipses.

'running as their tailcoats caught on fire, and running' Remove the comma.

'Cruel, Morrow, cruel, Morrow'

'Cruel Morrow, cruel, cruel Morrow'

'But it was true. I think.' Combine the two with a comma.

'Arverly gasped, and stepped back' Remove the comma.

'They turned to the bar, looking to' Remove the comma.

'waves crashing overhead, and saltwater strangling her.' Remove the comma.

'Arverly went barreling into me, and knocked me into the ocean.' Remove the comma.

'I grabbed Morria by the hair, and dragged her towards the ship.' Remove the comma.

'coughing up water, and yelling curses at each other.' Remove the comma.

 

Chapter 12:

'I seriously don't know what her problem was; after pulling her out of the water, her hair looked pretty good.'

'I seriously don't know what her problem was. After pulling her out of the water, her hair looked pretty good.'

'In other words, it was ruined.' Change the comma to a colon.

'She gasped as she attempted to stand up, and immediately went back down' Remove the comma.

'when Morria grabbed my leg, and pulled me down.' Remove the comma.

'When she got up, she had a busted lip' Remove the comma.

'I hastily climbed up the stairs again. And tripped.' Combine the two with ellipses.

'Morria caught up with me, and picked me up by the coat.' Remove the comma.

 

Chapter 13:

',and the winds stung my cuts and bruises.' Remove the comma.

'Morria looked up at me, as if she knew I was watching.' Remove the comma.

'formin' I think you're missing a letter.

'She returned the expression, and turned her back away from me.' Remove the comma.

'She took a deep breath, and turned to fully face me.' Remove the comma.

'that, behind her,' Remove the commas.

'Arverly snickered, and Torro's lip twitched.' Remove the comma.

'Her lips were moving, as if she were singing.' Remove the comma.

'boots made such a huge splash, and water was under deck' Remove the comma.

'Morria nodded, and ran down the stairs.' Remove the comma.

'Torro ran for it, leaping onto the ropes.'

'when she was discovered on a boat, and thrown overboard.' Remove the comma.

'bucket into the dirty water, And' Remove the comma and lowercase the 'A'.

'She had a strong pride, and never admitted to being wrong.' Remove the comma.

'Arverly appeared from the bring, his pockets' Remove the comma.

'get a way' I think that you have an unnecessary space there.

'Spluttering and coughing, Arverly and I let go of the ropes' Remove the comma.

'I jumped to my feet, and ran' Remove the comma.

'The skiff was gone; little scraps of wood floated to the surface.' Change the semicolon to a comma.

'The best chance we had was to get to the fighting top;' Change the semicolon to a period.

'he grabbed it, and began to uncork it.' Remove the comma.

'The rum bottle flew threw the air. Arverly yelled out in anger.' Change the period into a comma.

'into the waves, was,' Remove the first comma.

 

Chapter 14:

'I told it to stop, and it wasn't listening.' Remove the comma.

'my arm, floating on scraps of wood just barely' Remove the comma.

'We were sinking, and I needed to get off that boat now.' Remove the comma.

'grabbing a wooden plank, and pushing off into the ocean, peddling furiously.' Remove the commas.

'always had the will to survive; I didn't want to die.' Change the semicolon to a period.

'I coughed a spluttered' I think you mean 'and'.

'He looked me over, and finally nudged me just a bit with his toe.' Remove the comma.

'I walked over to the man timidly, and snapped my fingers' Remove the comma.

'And, I woke up. For real, this time.'

'And, I woke up....for real this time.'

 

Chapter 15:

'There was still ringing in my ears, and my thoughts' Remove the comma.

'I stood up, slightly dizzy on my feet, but standing, still.' Remove the first and third comma.

'I asked, brandishing my sword' Remove the comma.

'jumping up and down in a rage, as if I was a toddler' Remove the comma.

'restraining himself from disecting me, and sending me down to the depths.' Remove the comma and 'dissect' is spelled with two 's' not one.

'becomign' See the problem?

'I great sadness' I think you mean 'a'. 

'I shook them off, and continued to glare' Remove the comma.

'Suddenyl' More misspelling.

'pulled back into a ponytail, and deep brown' Remove the comma.

'boots, and a white shirt' Remove the comma.

'prettily, and I hung onto my shoulder.' Remove the comma.

'I shrugged her off, and said' Remove the comma.

'seduce us men, and when the moment comes' Remove the comma.

'silhoughetted' 'vy' Misspelling. 

'I took my chances, and waltzed over to her.' Remove the comma.

'She went back to her whiskey, and Caterina' Remove the comma.

'She was dirty, and looked starved' Remove the comma.

'had barely any color in them, and made her look sad.' Remove the comma.

'She leaped upon me, and hugged me.' Remove the comma.

'Why was everyone acting so weird.' That should be a question mark, not a period.

'Torro came from the shadows as well, and Averly.' Remove the comma.

'She didn't look very happy, and was glaring daggers at Morria.' Remove the comma.

Remove the period from 'Miss. Raven'.

Three benches were sat at it, and at each' Remove the comma.

'Caterina sat quietly, and pushed the' Remove the comma.

'Morria and Averly, on the other hand' Remove the comma.

 

 

 

I think in all, this story has the potential to be something amazing like I've seen you write before. But your characters are lacking in depth and the plot line is still a mystery. Right now I have no idea as to why it's called 'Hoist the Colours'. To me, it should be called 'The Adventures of Morrow'. That's about the only thing we see in all the chapters you've provided. I see you're planning on changing things up with the characters and I'm only slightly interested with it. Sometimes change is good, but only if the change comes with the things your first draft lacked. I hope all goes well and I hope this in some way helps. Thanks for the comment!

*Also? I think I have in my review store every username you've ever had. Just noticed that.

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