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52. Hogwarts Truth or Dare!!!!!!! - WillowW (In Progress)

 

#46

4/28- 5/1/17

 

 

Your cover isn't very appealing, it's about as basic as they come. I mean I get it, cover making isn't everyone's skill but there are plenty of cover stores for you to ask one from. Because the way it is now, I can't read your title fully and the picture is too small. So because I was bored, you got a free cover made and it is currently in the mumbles. I like that your summary is to the point but still fun. This suggests it's an interactive Movella, this should get interesting.

 

 

 

 

The first chapter is pretty self explanatory aside from the cheesiness. I like that you've tried to keep the characters pretty original to the story ones. But if there's one thing I should mention it's that you should reread your chapters. You have some misspellings and the certain words are the wrong variation. I'm hoping to at least see them try to escape in the next chapter, or hear reasons why they like it there.

 

This chapter was certainly funny. Aside from the actions being unbelievable, they made for comedic story telling. Your characters are starting to change though, instead of being like they are in the story, they're just like you or I. Surely with Hermione's wits and Harry and Ron, they can come up with an escape strategy.

Not to mention you have the Lord of the Dark Arts trapped in there. He would've fought this entire thing and tried to kill Harry in the process. I get this is a fan made interactive story, but I think it would be more interesting to add some baselines to follow. This way it can cause some tension. It would be wise to reread this chapter as well, the same grammatical errors occur. Not to mention I'm pretty sure you misspelled the professors name.

 

I'm not too sure how to take this chapter. For one thing you'll allow a girl to be locked in a room with boys who can do whatever to her. Let me clarify that the circumstances did not lead to anything drastic. But that they should not have happened. But, you won't allow a teenage boy to kiss an 'elderly' woman, but you'll allow him to kiss another 'younger' grown woman who would kill him. 

In case you can't tell, I'm not a fan of this chapter. You as the author have a say in what dares and truths get used. But in this chapter, you're choosing the wrong ones. It would be easier to read as well if you spaced out your paragraphs, this way the dialogue is separate from new paragraphs.

 

This chapter is exactly what I was referring to before. You blur out everything Hermione says because of what happened in that closet. It's not exactly fun to read this about a childhood character.

Your other dares are interesting to say the least. But by Ginny kissing Dumbledore on the cheeks, (another old/young pairing by the way) you contradict the first dare from chapter three. Because if Ginny can kiss Dumbledore on the cheeks, Harry can kiss the professor on the cheeks. Aside from that though, we don't really get anything from the other characters. Not so much as a mention of what they're doing while everything takes place. You might wanna think about removing some of them and keeping the favorites.

 

You've misspelled 'fourth' in the title. This chapter was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. The new character mixed things up a bit. But can I say that it's getting a little old seeing Harry and whomever you deem a love interest, act like five year olds and develop crushes on whatever girl they see. A reread would be nice, the same grammatical problems from earlier chapters are there.

 

The characters are legit getting on my nerves now. Not to mention your plot is becoming more same events, different chapter. I don't fully blame you for this because you write up chapters based off what your readers request. But again, you as the author has a say in what goes in the chapter. You should balance things out by adding in your own dares and truths against the 'kiss him/her and admit this/that' that's suggested. I cannot stress the rereading!

 

You have the characters dating while being kidnapped. This is not going well in terms of plot. I can't even comprehend where this is going at this point. If I'm to infer anything based of Mackenzie's and Harry's conversation, they aren't ever leaving Willow's vault. Which makes Willow one big psychopath. 

 

Throughout this entire episode, the only characters discussed in full were the love triangle you mentioned last chapter. We get a small mention from Ron and Hermione and a line of dialogue from Bellatrix. Aside from that the only thing that happened in this chapter was the gift giving. There was no dares or truths that the story was created for. 

Don't forget to break for a new paragraph when you start a new subject. You didn't do that once or twice with this chapter and it gave me a headache. 

 

The next three chapters after the Christmas special are all thank you's for the view count. Don't get me wrong I get being thankful. But interrupting a story flow to announce your appreciation is kinda annoying. Whenever I'm thankful for the view count, instead of adding it to the story as a chapter I make a mumble about it. Adding your story to the mumble so they know which one you're talking about, is also good marketing.

 

About the only good thing in this chapter was Voldemort yelling at Willow for food. Aside from that, it's more of the same things from earlier chapters. This story would be a lot more interesting if you added more depth to your characters. Instead of making them seem like puppets controlled by five year olds that you can bring out whenever. Have them try to escape or refuse to do the dares and truths and receive a punishment for their defiance. Another reread would do well with this chapter as well. Misspellings, wrong variations and improper spacing are all in it. The next chapter is also another view appreciation....are you sensing the problem?

 

Finally! Some plot progression in this one. Grant you it's very small, but it is there and you've added some suspense with the twin injury. This is a long overdue chapter and I couldn't be happier reading it. The dares were particularly funny in this chapter as well which made for a good read. You've got some incorrect word variations in this one, like your when it should be 'you're' so reread it to fix.

 

This chapter was extremely short and there was no plot progression at all. Again, whatever characters are shown are the ones that the dares and truths were issued to. There's really not much else to say about this one otherwise. 

 

There was a lot of repetition and author explanation in this chapter. Don't get me wrong, sometimes the author explanation is necessary for certain things but not for the content in this chapter. This was more advertisement for your new story than a plot goaled update. Rereading would be good for this as well. And again with the views appreciation chapter.

 

The only thing in this chapter was Mackenzie choosing who she should be with and a lot of space. I'm honestly not ever sure this should be considered a chapter. To be perfectly honest, 'the choosing 2' chapter should've been added on to this chapter. At least then we would've gotten more to work with.

 

Everything in this chapter, is a huge slap in the face to the original character personalities you started with. Not to mention it's also completely unbelievable. No one, not even kidnapped best friends, would move on as quickly as you have these characters doing. Some spacing would be nice to figure out where the paragraphs start and end.

 

I love Ginny's character in this chapter. Who even is Voldemort in this story? He went from maniacal Dark Lord to teenage girl. It's funny, but very hard to picture with all the history behind his character. Aside from that, there's nothing else relevant. The only purpose of this chapter was to show the dares and truths, no plot progression at all. Reread this chapter as well, you have a lot of misspelled and wrong variation words.

 

So what happened to Willow going to school? Is she a drop out now? We haven't heard anything about it since she joined the characters downstairs. Just like the characters were supposed to try to escape and they haven't. If they enjoy staying there now, shouldn't they have said something by now? Or at least been able to leave the vault? 

Anyway, this chapter was certainly interesting with the back and forth from Willow and Mackenzie. The dare for her to hold hands with Draco while reading the cards was a nice twist. The issue still remains with only the characters who're being dared or asked to tell the truth are being used. The rest are never spoke about unless you think it's necessary and sometimes it's one line of dialogue. Another reread is necessary for the same issues. And yet another view appreciation chapter.

 

About the only character development happening seems to be going on with Willow. Now we learn she's got family issues, apparently is going back to school and is living with her mother instead of the Harry Potter characters. I'm not sure how to feel about that, especially considering the main characters are supposed to be the cast of HP. But I guess it's acceptable considering she's the one who introduced us to the cast. Again though, there's no plot progression. Just dares and truths requested by the readers.

 

In this chapter we have more of Draco and Harry's drama, add Kenzi in the mix and it's the same events, different chapter. The only highlight of this chapter was the freefalling the characters did at the beginning, and the magic with the house afterward. Hopefully we'll eventually figure out who or what made the house do that. Other than that though, nothing about this chapter was any different from the previous ones. This story started off with such potential. Again with the rereading for the same issues.

Then we have another view appreciation chapter and a random picture chapter. 

 

This chapter was a continuation of the spin the bottle game from the previous one. Willow also seems to have an attitude problem in this chapter and I can only guess it has to do with family. The characters are also all drunk and I'm not sure when that happened because, Harry was the only one in the last chapter drinking. Hermione seemed more like herself in this chapter than any other chapter posted. 

Then we have another view appreciation chapter.

 

 

When the story first started it had real potential. There wasn't a lot of guidelines to follow but there was a few that seemed to remain the same. One of which changed halfway through the story. At the beginning you stated that when a dare or truth was mentioned no one but the recipient would hear it. This way it would be a surprise to everyone. Then as the story progressed, everyone could hear the dares and truths being read.

As far as your characters go, none of them seem like real people. For one thing, you should remove most of them considering they just sit there. Or as I stated before, you make them say one line of dialogue occasionally. Keep the favorites and release everyone else. They don't add anything to your story aside from decoration. 

Your plot has remained the same since the first chapter. Meaning that nothing productive has happened since the start of the story. There's no real progress being made, it's just the same events with trivial character spats every chapter. The chapters have no tension, suspense, or character growth excluding Willow's few moments. Like the characters stated, they've been held there for months and there's no sign of her letting them go.

I would advise mixing it up a bit. Throw in some character damage, or make them escape. Have some of them refuse the things being commanded and give out punishments. Just, something to break away from the mold you've set in. As it stands, your story is incredibly unique and can be very fun to read occasionally. But it needs some work to be really mind blowing. Thank you so much for requesting and please don't hesitate to ask for another review.

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