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51. Gatekeeper of the Noon - Nicolas L. (Completed)

 

#45

April 12-21st 2017

(I am so sorry this took so long, but as I said in the first chapter of this I do have a life. Recently it's been very hectic.)

 

The summary is very detailed and it's great that you can build it up like that. But considering it's a summary, you should try to give us something simpler than that. A reader turns away from a story if it feels like even the summary is too complex. I'm absolutely in love with your cover! It fits in really well with your type of story and artistically it's gorgeous.

 

 

 

The prologue was an interesting read. It gave a lot of back story needed to continue on with the plot. But if there's one thing I feel needs to be commented on, it's that it feels rushed. You note everything that's happened in the past but it jumps from one point to the next. It doesn't feel like a story it feels like a plot list.

My advice would be to find a way to talk more of the characters instead of just plot points. That way there's a blend between the two and it doesn't feel as rushed. Other than this though, I thought it was a great prologue! You introduced the main characters while keeping it relevant to the points discussed.  

I liked the way you wrote about the fractions/groups that the students diversed into. In a way it reminded me of Divergent, but mixed in with the kids from camp half blood. It's cool and definitely a story I'd be interested in reading. Though I'm fully aware that the story is about the boy with the mutant genes.

 

This chapter was a little tough to follow. There was a lot happening and no time to process it all. It might be better if you split this in two to make another chapter. Maybe splitting it after Kaylen sees the man in the restroom so that we have time to register all the history and his new worry. 

It's important not to put a lot of information in one chapter unless you have some events or dialogue between it. This way the readers aren't overloaded with too much and still have moments or conversation to remember with it. 

This is a very interesting chapter though. I'm curious how the pervert and the escort are going to treat Kaylen now that they have him out of eye sight from the Gods. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prologue: 

'And so, armed with the must to punish, Zyles Quinlet obeyed the angel Lucas, and sentenced him and the others who foolishly accepted the offer of the spirits; bent his will, and created Constellation, a planet much like Earth.' This sentence runs a bit long and also reads a little off. I feel like it could be fixed like this,

'And so, armed with the must to punish, Zyles Quinlet obeyed the angel Lucas and sentenced him and the others who foolishly accepted the offer of the spirits. With his will bent he created Constellation, a planet much like Earth.' This way it's not one big run on and it runs smoother.

 

'loosing unquenchable crime against the people.' The term 'loosing' seems a little off with the way the rest of the sentence is worded. It would be better if you wrote,

'letting loose unquenchable crime against the people.' to achieve the same result.

 

Chapter Two:

'Currently though, the sky is a clear blue, the air gentle, and the people kind.' The third comma can be removed.

 

'For someone to display this much interest in a text that caused human disobedience was surely to be linked to whether the sukiru gene laid dormant within them or not.' There's absolutely no commas in this and it's a rather long sentence.

'To display this much interest in a text, was surely to be linked to whether the sukiru gene laid dormant within them or not.' I feel like this is a lot better (though far less funnier) to read than the previous statement.

 

'She gave an smile, tightening her grip around her coffee cup.' That should be 'a smile' not 'an'.

'trying to hold back his tears before that came coming out anyway.' The word 'coming' can be removed and the word 'that' should be replaced with 'the' to make a smoother read.

'the hallway was, in fact, longer' The first comma can be removed.

'Inside the walls, plants grew and water dripped,' The first comma can be removed.

'beds laid, ready to be slept in, and a pot' Both commas can be removed.

'Kaylen watch the cloud spin around him' That should be 'watched'.

 

 

 

I have to say this is the oddest story I've ever read. The story itself is unique and nothing like anything I've ever come across. Excluding the small information that made me think of Divergent and the Olympians series. It kinda reminds me of the old God stories from the 70's. Like Jason and the Argonauts and the 7th Voyage of Sinbad. They pique my interest but not enough to read the original stories.

Aside from the few things I mentioned above and the overusage of commas, I have nothing bad to say about this work. It's unique, well written and full of possibility to be an amazing read. I'm not a huge fan of the story but the concept of it is very appealing. 

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