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45. Fire. - W0lverine (In Progress)

 

#40

Jan/2017

*Let me first start off by saying this is the second most acknowledged Movella I've ever reviewed. In addition, I apologize if it sucks.

 

I really love your cover. Like, I'm kinda infatuated with it. It's so dark yet appealing all at the same time! Honestly, I find myself just staring at it endlessly. If you ever decided to change it, can I get a copy? DX It's too cool not to have....

Ahem, anyhoo. Your summary on the other hand is extremely reeling. Instantly by the way it's written I'm excited to figure out what happened to the MC. Not to mention we get a glimpse at what your style of writing is like and I, personally love it.

 

 

 

Wow. That's the first word that pops in my head after reading the first chapter. It's a lot of loaded information to start with, but it does make you question how it'll continue. I think it's also awesome you chose to set this story in the future because it makes so many more options open to you. It leaves an intrigue for readers to wonder whether this'll be like an AU. 

 

Okay, not exactly what I had anticipated for a second chapter. I kinda figured you'd jump into a past time so we could gradually see how it lead up to that letter. Now it seems though, you're working from the end to the beginning. Which, I don't think has been done before but it does make it more confusing. 

Not any less cool or intriguing, just confusing. 

I love how you write though. It's in the moment but still descriptive enough that you're seeing everything, despite how vague you make it. It actually felt for a minute there like I was seeing flames dance around me. I saw the gray stone building crumble and crack beneath my feet and all around me. Felt the floor beneath me shake, as it sunk further into the ground. (While I am completely aware you never mentioned a gray stone building, this is what I saw. Not sure why.)

It really is spectacular.

 

Yay!! Okay, we got some back story this chapter. Honestly I was a little worried there by how things were starting out. But now we see some of why our MC is so willing to die in fire. Because, to her she should've died in this initial fire with her family. Which also fuels her to be the bad ass, I'm assuming she will be in the future. 

I wonder though, if this boy who helped her doesn't also make an appearance in her life later on. I get the strange impression they become close friends because of this incident.

 

I'm assuming the reasoning behind this chapter was to show the bond created between her and Julian. That along with the moment she decided to be strong. But to be honest I wasn't really attached to this chapter like I was the first few. 

I think it has to do with the fact that it takes place in a forest for one. There's no real explanation why they took that route. Was her house in the middle of the woods? If that's the case, wouldn't nearby trees go up in flames too? Is the only way to his father through a route in the woods? 

The sudden change from in front of her home, to now being inside the forest - with no explanation as I said - as to why, is a bit dumbfounding. That, combined with the fact she makes this vow to stop crying and be strong...when she's twelve...is also pulling me away. Especially since she's broken down so many times prior to that commitment.

I understand what you were going for. But I think it would've been more realistic had she vowed to allow herself a mourning period and then make the vow. Saying something like, 'I will allow myself time to mourn. Let myself be weak for just a bit longer. But after such, I will not allow myself anymore tears.' (Really I'm just coming up with this give you an example.) But at least that I would've believed. 

 

To be quite frank, there wasn't a lot to this chapter. I'm assuming the reason why it's in is because you wanted to introduce the character Becca, while also letting the readers know she isn't aware of Helena's parents death. Count that in with the fact we're learning how her life has changed since the previous chapters, and we're all caught up. 

It's not a bad chapter, you give character description while also adding in necessary character information. It's just a very mundane chapter, especially since we already know everything stated in it (Aside from the new character and new way of life). It was unnecessarily repetitive.

Maybe had you stretched it out throughout the chapters it would read better. 

 

I actually liked this chapter. We get to see how capable she is when it comes to the weapons field of military engineering. Along with the fact this is when she makes the crucial turn point of the moment we're all waiting for. 

It actually seemed quite silly to me to have all these chapters just be fragments of her life, all leading up to the one mentioned in her letter. But after reading this one, I think this is the only way it could've been written. Now I find myself wondering what other moments we're missing that help fuel her in the choice she makes later on. 

It's a good story chapter. But if I were to critique anything it would be that we didn't really get a lot character description or surrounding description. But considering all these chapters are based off moments in time, it's understandable.

 

This was another important step towards the plot of it all, but I still found this chapter a bit dull. It had a lot of information in it but it was all thrown into this one chapter. When, again it could've been stretched out throughout the story. Instead of giving us information overload.

I think another thing that bugs me as well is the fact that we have these other side characters, Becca and Evan. But aside from just having them be there, we don't read about them. They're supposed to be her best friends, so show us why. Give us moments they share where friendships are strengthened. Let us see the bonds be tightened so when the moment comes for her to lose them, we'll feel the pain with her.

Which by the way, I'm assuming she does lose them because of the way you end this chapter.

 

I kinda called this when he saved her from the fire. Is that bad? I think that's bad. I think what would've sold me on their love for one another is if I would've seen their relationship grow. But no. Instead you give us fragments of her life and so their love story becomes the cliche 'insta love'. 

While I realize that the main plot point we were supposed to get from this chapter is that their vaccination started today, I notice everything. Which means that you chose their relationship as a sub plot, so I'm going to comment on that too.

I'm going to say that I am calling it now. Based off things you've written in earlier chapters, I am going to deduce that the people higher up are going to use her virus for evil. They will more than likely use it to kill off the other side, even though that's not how she wanted it used. Then they will become power hungry and use the virus against anyone who doesn't agree with them. 

Hopefully, this won't be the case. But I'm going to note this anyway.

 

Yupp. Callllled it! 

Can I say though that I really loved the way you laid this chapter out? The inner monologue of Helena, then the announcement. The way it alternates back and forth is really brilliant and oddly makes the chapter flow so much faster than the usual.

So this is the start of it all. I'm hoping it doesn't go into more predictable moments from here on. Like, her friends turning on her once they realize what the virus will do. Or her becoming something of a recluse as she tries to fix the problem on her own. 

I guess I just have to wait and see.

 

As you already know I knew this chapter was coming. We'd need an explanation at some point. But one thing I didn't anticipate was that they were the ones who killed her parents. That was a smart move to add in. But I can't say I was too surprised because after he said it, it made perfect sense. 

Your story isn't bad. It's just becoming very predictable, especially since I've read so many YA books like it. Hunger Games, Divergent and even the Percy Jackson series points toward similar actions.

It's clear though that you have a tremendous following. Which just proves that although I have lost my taste in this AU, doesn't mean others have. :)

 

Okay, I anticipated her losing her friends but I did not think they were faking it all along. I actually like this twist. It's not as predictable as I had foreseen it to be.

But yes, now I'm curious as to how she's going to stop this virus. She said it herself, she has no plan and no weapons to help fight against it. So where can she go from here now that she's escaped?

I'd like to point out that I really liked the way you wrote this chapter out. It's a nice smooth read and gradually it does seem to pick up in pace. 

 

So, she stayed in the nearby village and didn't try to warn them. She didn't even consider that it might be the kind of virus that the longer one is exposed to it, the worse it becomes. 

While I understand that it was released and there was really no way to stop it, she could've tried. Because there's no talk of other buildings around the world. Which means that the virus would've spread everywhere within a certain radius before running out. It's not possible to inflict a whole world without the virus originating from several different locations. 

Which is why I'm so pissed she wasted what little time she had keeping them in a location where they would've died. She could've prevented their deaths and inevitably hers as well. She didn't even try.

 

Honestly I would've loved this chapter so much more if you hadn't added in all the love crap. How am I supposed to empathize with her when I never got to seem them as a couple? Not to mention when he did confess his feelings to her it felt so out of place. 

All it did was annoy me and I would've preferred it if she had used her rage to kill him off from the start and possibly getting wounded from a flying bullet. Avoiding that whole conversation completely. Or maybe even using their relationship to fake him out and make him think she was weak. Just so that it would make him think she wasn't a threat. Then at the last second pulling the trigger.

I would've loved any of those scenarios instead of what was actually written. You wanted her character to be portrayed as strong. So stop making her look weak by dragging a boy into this who was more of a friend than a lover.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about this chapter. It feels like an end but yet your story still says 'in progress'. 

Regardless, I think character wise Helena was perfect for this story. At times I wish her emotions wouldn't have gotten the better of her, but she was still a strong female protagonist. She was still feminine when the situation called for it, yet showed enough strength that she couldn't be put down for being a girl. 

Becca and Evan were, I'm not gonna lie very poor side characters. They were so cardboard that I had no real attachment to them. I couldn't even tell you what either of them looked like or what Helena really looked like.I think you touched on her hair once. Then maybe the side characters eye color. Also, when did Julian's name change to Evan?

We got to see what happened to Evan but we never really get to see what happened to Becca. Which essentially is a problem.

In whole though, the chapter flows relatively nicely. It moves at a decent pace and ties up a majority of the loose ends. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1: 

There is one thing that made me confused, in the letter it states,

'I, Scarlett Sterling' and then the letter ends with 'Helena Coleman.'. Is it supposed to be that way? Is that your signature at the bottom for copyright issues or whatever? Because if it's not I'm not sure why it's there. 

 

Chapter 3: 

'Blood lay in puddles around there still' The variation of 'there' is incorrect, it should be 'their'.

'It was useless and I knew it but yet' There's nothing wrong with this sentence. But I feel it would add more of a dramatic effect if you placed a comma after 'yet'. 

'as it became harder to breathe and too see.' More of my nit pickiness. The 'too' should be 'to' but I honestly don't feel it's necessary. I feel the sentence would flow better without it.

'on a new plain of thought.' Should be 'plane'.

'to stay conscious but even the' Okay, this sentence as a whole is running on the long side. I feel it'd be easier to split it, starting by ending it at the 'but' to begin the new sentence.

'After an endless few moments he was by my side.' Again, more nit picking. What if to draw it out more, you place a comma between 'moments' and 'he'? Then it's as if she's seeing it.

'I whispered her final farewells into the night.' Shouldn't that be 'my'?

'that made me who she was' Shouldn't that be 'I'? This is more than just a mistake now, I feel like I'm just not getting something. If these are meant to be read this way you can ignore, but it is confusing to read.

'I finally gazed up at her savior.' Uhm, 'my'?

'roughly her own age.' 'my'?

 

Chapter 4:

'stop here for a bit," the boy said' The dialogue should be ended with a period and the sentence outside the dialogue should be capitalized.

' "Thank you," I muttered' The dialogue sentence should be ended with a period.

'with you?" he asked' The sentence outside the dialogue should be capitalized.

The dialogue thing is throughout this chapter. Here's a little example thing, to show you how it should be followed.

'

His smile was broken and small.

"Are you okay?" his friend asked.  < Incorrect. The above sentence is completed and the dialogue is finished, so the outside sentence should be capitalized.

 

What did he think would happen?

"Are we still okay?" The boy asked.  < Correct. 

 

The only way dialogue should obtain a comma with descriptive words breaking it, is when the same character is going to speak again. Like so,

 

' He looked sad for a moment,

"What if," he said while fidgeting in his seat.

"we were wrong?" He asked. '

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

I also feel that Julian asking if her parents are dead makes him look a bit stupid. Grant you, he's twelve. But he was there. He pulled her out of the fire and after hearing her say other people were with her, then not seeing them when they stood outside, should've made him put two and two together. Maybe a better question should've been,

"Were they able enough to get out?" because then it's as if he's asking if there was a reason why they couldn't. If that makes at all sense. 

 

'and the two people that I cared about the most brutally taken from me before my eyes.' It would read smoother if this sentence were written,

'and the two people that I cared the most about, were brutally taken from me before my eyes.' I had to read the sentence twice before I finally got it.

 

'until you find you feet.' That should be 'your'.

'But not yet; 0now' I don't think that zero is supposed to be there.

'I let that though swim around my mind' I think you forgot a letter. 'thought*'

 

Chapter 5:

The year should be 2202, not 2203. Or you could change her age to 16, either one would fix the issue.

'but we had the larger numbers.' What if you italicized or bolded the word 'we'. I feel it would fit better while reading.

'as I built my up my life' Uhm, not sure what you were going for there.

'My father was a mechanic and after so many hours spent watching his fingers glide over apparatus and machines until it finally complied to his wishes.' There's really nothing wrong with this sentence. But it kinda doesn't make sense. I think you were trying to explain why she seemed to excel in engineering. But it ended up getting lost in the creating of this sentence. What if it were written like this,

'My father was a mechanic. After so many hours spent watching his fingers glide over apparatus and machines until they complied to his wishes, I guess it rubbed off.' this way all the original content is being used but now there's an explanation.

'I lived in a world hardened by war and so had to follow.' You use past tense. 'lived' is that supposed to imply that she dies? Because if that's the case you should go back and change your other tenses. Also, this is another sentence that doesn't make sense. I think you might be missing a word.

'I wondered if it was ever' If 'I'?

were anything o do with my' Missing a letter?

'Slipping into my uniform, I enjoyed surrounding me.' What were you trying to say?

'play it off a nightmare or a dream' I think you meant 'as'.

'Almost but still not yet quite.' This is a little rough to read, what if it's phrased as,

'Almost, but not quite yet.' it's the same words just rearranged and I vetoed 'still'. But this way it's less confusing.

'for the same cause they we are.' I think you meant 'that'.

'read for another day' Missing a letter? 'ready'

 

Chapter 6:

'eyes piecing me from all around' I think you meant 'piercing'. 

'I mentally congratulated myself with a record, new time but the silence still put me on edge.' I feel it would read better if you took the second comma and moved it down to after 'time'.

'the breath of other.' Missing a letter? 'others'

'but no hard or cruel.' Again, missing a letter. 'not'

'After a few more second,' Missing a letter. 'seconds'

'Group dispersing to gather out belongings' I think you meant 'our' and the first half of that is a bit confusing as well.

'I was a fire with all those close to being burned in my flames.' I think you're missing a word.

 

Chapter 7:

You did the thing again with the year and age. So one of them has to be fixed.

'each held a special place in my heard' I think you meant 'heart'.

'our enemies and defences.' That should be 'defenses'.

'Although at the start was regretful to admit it,' Missing a word?

'spark ignited inside on me.' I think you meant 'of'.

'I lifted my wrist close to my lips' Missing a word?

'he took a step forward a lifted his hands' You're missing something, whether is be letters or a word you're missing it.

'beneath my fingertips, I only thought' This sentence is a bit long. I feel you should end it at the comma.

'no words were exchange between' Missing a letter. 'exchanged'

'What it is to come' You can veto the 'it'

'you took all of pain and' Missing a word.

'It was all well jumping ahead of myself but at the end of the day,' This sentence ran a bit long, what if you ended it at 'myself'?

'As Evans Father' You need an apostrophe for 'Evans' and the word 'father' doesn't need to be capitalized.

'and no I just had to wait' Missing a letter. 'now'

'forced us into cold embrace' Missing a word.

'the power was o tog my hands' There's a lot of things missing.

'Dodging the cadets and agents who were aimlessly walking through the collection of tables and chairs, I could see Becca and Evan sitting comfortable at a table together with an empty chair next to them. This sentence is a bit long and some of the words could be changed.

'Dodging cadets and agents who aimlessly walked through the tables and chairs, I could see Becca and Evan sitting comfortably at a table with an empty chair beside them.' This way is less of an eyesore and still gets the point across.

You have the dialogue problem in this chapter as well.

 

Chapter 8:

'What was the pinion' Missing a letter?

'the sun began it's decent' That should be 'descent' 

'we reached our destination: the crater' The word after the colon should be capitalized.

'both lives to me: the one' Same problem.

'as the other and know only looked' I think you meant 'now'

You have the dialogue problem in this chapter again.

'the empty feeling was gone now replaced with' Missing a word?

'no matter what who won the war' Missing a word.

Your last sentence has an unnecessary space between the second to last and the last word.

 

Chapter 9:

You start this chapter with a 'Ch 9' which hasn't been in any other chapter. Just pointing that out.

You don't have to space 'gentlemen'.

'of my people as the found out' Missing a letter?

'Other that the speakers' I think you meant 'than'.

'not the one that were to come.' Missing a letter. 'ones'

'ignoring my friend concerned looks.' Missing a letter.

 

Chapter 10:

'ducked beneath his arms, Moving' I think that comma was supposed to be a period.

'I didn't know what was expecting' Missing a word.

'There black and white thought pattern' The correct variation should be 'their'

'The cuts made fade' That should be 'may'

'He simply stated in a tone' I feel it would read better if you swapped 'simply' and 'stated'. So that it reads 'He stated simply'

I feel the last two lines of 'Even after everything' can be taken out. It just seems repetitive and would read how you want it to better if the final line was just 'I wasn't broken.' and 'I would fight back in their name' 

Then take out the final line as it destroys the build up you created with the above lines.

 

Chapter 11:

'wash over me, opened the door' Missing a word.

'trick you but yes: it wasn't real.' The word after the colon should be capitalized.

'Your dangerous Helena' That should be 'you're'

'I felt as if ii' Only one of those 'I's is necessary and it should capitalized.

'and i no equipment' Missing a word.

'to those who lives I ruined.' That should be 'whose'

 

Chapter 12:

The year or age should be fixed with this one too.

'for what they, what we' I feel it would be more dramatic as you intended if you italicized or bolded the word 'we'

'that the static had fade.' Missing a letter.

'we will rebuild as one and together.' It would read smoother if you vetoed the 'and' and placed a comma there instead.

'where the weapons were going, where my weapons were going' Again, to get a better reaction I feel if you italicized or bolded the word 'my' it would read better. I also feel you can end the sentence there as this one runs a bit long.

'my journey back to place' Missing a word.

'After hour walking' Missing a letter.

 

Chapter 13:

'if I was seen , I was as good as dead.' You have an unnecessary space between 'seen' and the comma.

'There were to many variables' That should be 'too'

'the next stage: infiltration' The word after the colon should be capitalized.

'to know the truth: my truth' Again with the capitalization.

'and knew ever door and exit' Missing a letter.

'and I struck, I would strike hard.' Missing a word? 

'I a few men had to die' Missing a letter.

'I listened out for the' You can remove the word 'out'

'not my true weakness: him' The capitalization.

'and had felt heartbreak but know he was' That should be 'now'

 

Chapter 14:

'in which they wold be produced.' Missing a letter.

'at first it was exiting' Missing a letter.

'Humanity could no wield such power.' Missing a letter.

'As people made their way out of the bunkers that they had lived in for the past few years, they would see what had been done and would know what had been payed for their freedom.' This sentence runs a bit long and the word 'payed' should be spelled 'paid'.

'As people made their way out of bunkers they had lived in for years, they'd see what had been done and would know what had been paid for freedom.'

'to guide us back into unity a peace.' That should be 'and'

'leave the military defenceless.' This should be spelled, 'defenseless.'

'I was victim in twisted game' Missing words?

 

 

 

 

In all, I think this story could be added on to. There's clearly information that I feel would bring more depth to the story. Such as more about the side characters and some description for both the surroundings and characters. Then some personality for the side characters and for a tighter bond to be established between them and Helena. Because we didn't get any of that. I also don't feel that the five year jump is necessary for her to take action. Especially considering it only took a week for everyone to drop dead. (Or so I'm to believe based off that chapter.)

It's a brilliantly written story and the plot is even more so. But it does have room to grow and can be made even better. You are an excellent writer and I'm honestly amazed I haven't found your work sooner. Your writing style is much like authors who're already published. I hope this helps and that you ask for a review in the future. :)

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