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38. Bump in the Night - BadassJem (In Progress)

 

#34

Nov/2016

 

The cover is cool and the summary leaves you with questions. At first glance it seems like a good, suspenseful read.

 

 

I love Tony. He is by far the funniest character I've ever read about. The fact that he can see all this spooky stuff happening is also pretty awesome. I'm pretty sure I've seen (And felt.) some creepy stuff in my lifetime. We'd get along just great. 

I swear though if something doesn't happen to that damned producer, I will personally throw the next stone.

 

Yes! I hope there's more Dave and Tony interactions as things pick up. They should be the paranormal team, not the two dipshits that are. Honestly though, if I saw Andy in person I'd probably fight to not laugh at his face. I'm not sure how Tony manages. I'm really hoping more spooky stuff happens though, my inner spook is freaking.

 

Dammit, Tony! We do not slam the laptop close! We restart and try again! Does he not understand that it could easily be his death if he's not careful? 

In all seriousness though, I love how we get to see home life Tony. It's nice to get the background of the next haunt place as well.

 

Dave is a close first for my favorite.

"I'm not a personal assistant." 

Woohoo! That sass, go Dave! I have to say though that without Dave and Tony's interaction, this chapter would've been a bore. There was nothing crucially needed for the story information aside from relationship building with Dave and Tony. It was more of repetition from the previous chapters. 

 

Chapter five is definitely my favorite. Lansfield is the kind of creepy that's beautiful and I want to see it. Which of course just makes me want to see them. I loved how even Andy couldn't help but try and stir up some conversation. It seems Tony's slight change in character is affecting everyone positively. Which of course just makes you look like an amazing author because no one thinks to add those little things.

 

Everything about chapter six is perfect. From the lingering Tony does toward the kitchen, to the retelling of the stories with descriptions of the rubbled home; it's perfect. This is the type of writing that should be in every story and it just makes this one even more amazing. It's the kind of chapter that makes you want to keep reading on.

 

Okay. Dave is no longer my favorite. The fact that Tony found the situation amusing as well, makes me question his judgment. At least in his defense he knew the prank was wrong and shouldn't have been done. Poor Jean. I mean I didn't like her but she still didn't deserve that. I hope for her sake she's able to put the memory out of her mind and it won't haunt her dreams. 

Can you tell I'm getting far too attached to your characters?

 

Andy is a jerk. There I said it. He's a jerk that needs replaced.

(You're awesome if you know what this is from.)

Why the hell is Jean with him? What is keeping her and him together? His physical appearance? Cause that's certainly what it appears to be. Meanwhile, who's ghost is there? The daughter or the mother? I'd assume the daughter based off the size of the prints. I'm totally geeking out that all this spooky stuff is happening. If you really think about it, all this activity now just means that when it's dark....things will be so much worse.

(I love your characters and I don't want them to die, but oh God wouldn't it be amazingly awesome if one or more did?) Also? Tony's lack of saying anything...is starting to get on my nerves. I anticipate a serious turn for him later in the story where he actually says what he's thinking for once. If not, I will flip a table and blame Andy.

 

Jean really should've wore different shoes. The poor thing is going to be so bruised by the time she leaves here. I really liked the change of POV so that we can fully see what she saw, but it was unexpected. The entire story so far was written out in Tony's view and it was a slight adjustment to get used to Jean. I hope it's continuous throughout the rest of it that you alternate every now and again.

 

I called it! Somewhere up there ^^^ in my babble on all your chapters, I say it. Something about stones and I'll throw one right at the producer. Grant you I had no idea he'd go out that way, but it's close enough. I can't comment on the suspense or horror like most reviewers would. Simply because it never hits me in stories like it would in a movie. Not unless you're someone like Stephen King or Dean Koontz. 

But I loved how you wrote the moments that were meant to be suspenseful. In a way it's like you are taking the reader and making them feel and experience the moment with the character. Instead of just writing out 'Tony saw this.' 'This flew over here.' no. You made us see everything and experience it as it was happening. I love that in a story. Especially one in this type of genre.

 

I love how for each of the crew you have an incident happen. But instead of hearing about it from Tony's or Jean's perspective, we see it from the person it's happening to. Not a lot of people would think to do that and have each moment be so different from the last. But it's a refreshing change to read about, making your story a unique horror read. 

I'm also assuming (I'm mid chapter in.) based off the title and it being Andy, that he's going to commit suicide. It's interesting so far and I'm curious what's going to happen. Thought I should mention that I had to look up the definition to the word 'gormless' because I had no idea what it was.

Just goes to show I'm illiterate in British literature. It also proves that you do your homework when you write a story. Which is also another thing I love to see in stories. Unless you live in Britain, in which case it would make perfect sense why you'd know that word. 

Glad to see he made it out. Though I'm still miffed at him for leaving Jean there when she should've been in the passenger seat. He said it though, he's a coward. 

 

I don't foresee Dave dying. For some reason I just can't picture it happening and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because you have his character being so strong willed he can hold in emotions. Now the cameramen? It wouldn't surprise me if they died just from fright alone. Especially Gerry after how he handled things with the producer. I'm also foreseeing that chapter 13 is going to be the talk between Jean and Tony. Then we'll see how they handle being on the other side of that 'locked' door.

If your story still follows it's format.

 

So it doesn't start with Jean and Tony talking, it starts at midnight. Nice surprise for the readers who would've anticipated a Jean and Tony moment. It also keeps the readers in an intent focus on your story, making them want to not stop reading.

Thought I should mention that I thought you spelled 'maneuver' wrong. Then I realized it was the British way of spelling it. (Which I often check before commenting on in reviews.)

I'm only upset about his death for Tony. My fondness for him dissipated earlier on in the story.

 

One thing keeps haunting me now that Tony's grieving; why didn't anyone try CPR? If he was breathing it meant he was alive and more than likely he was just breathing in more smoky air. If they performed the maneuver then he'd awaken and breathe in the outside air. They didn't even try.

Also? They're starting to piss me off because they could easily try to survive the rest of the night, but no. They want to play ghost hunters with psychopathic ghosts. Sigh. I could strangle them if they weren't fictional characters.

I'm thankful you added in the information about the cameras. As you wrote about each cameras location I was thinking back, trying to remember what happened to all of them.

 

I knew Tony would finally get the nerve to speak his mind. I'm just sorry someone he cared about had to die in order for it to happen.

 

Yeah, I like Dave's sister. Not only that but secretly I would like to BE Dave's sister. Sigh. The agony of not being a fictional character. 

Also I'm a little nervous now as to what I should be expecting. I only have so many chapters left and it's still a WIP. 

 

' "I'm going to be a rational adult." Fucking kill him.'

See, this is exactly why I like Tony. I laughed so hard at his inner battle.

I notice in this chapter he pushes up his glasses a lot. Not once in the story has he had a problem with his glasses, why is it a bother now? It seems very repetitive.

As much as I don't condone people getting beat up for being a coward, Andy deserved everything.

 

I feel like it ended. It seems like a perfect ending to a brilliant story. But because it still says In Progress, I'm not sure how it'll continue. What more can happen? 

 

 

 

Chapter 1:

Tony sighed.

"Oh my God!" he shouted

The above sentence ended so the sentence outside the dialogue should be capitalized. You make the same mistake later when the director speaks.

"Tony!" the producer bellowed

 This sentence should be capitalized.

 

I notice to that you use a lot of commas. Now, that isn't a bad thing if it all fits for the same sentence. But sometimes you could remove a word and have a completely different sentence. 

For instance,

'Luckily, he'd still been able to see a few things of actual interest from right where he was standing;' < That could be a sentence and the continuation could be a new sentence.

 

' We were eating. < Period.

"I love food." He said.'

                      ^ Capitol.

 

' She stared, < Sentence break.

"Chew before speaking." she scolded. '

                                        ^ Lowercase.

 

^^^^^ That's a little example thingy. Cause I'm not sure how much sense I made.

 

Chapter 2:

No mistakes except  the after dialogue thing I mentioned in one.

 

Chapter 3:

Same after dialogue mistakes. 

 

There's also a sentence that could be fixed as well.

'Later the same night the murder-suicide took place, an enormous fire which mysteriously started in the kitchen, despite nobody having been there at the time, ravaged the Lansfield property and caused half of the building to collapse.' Is how it reads.

 

Personally I feel to get the dramatic effect you were going for, it should be read this way:

'Later, the same night the murder-suicide took place an enormous fire, which mysteriously started in the kitchen despite nobody having been there at the time, ravaged the Lansfield property and caused half of the building to collapse.' 

It was extremely confusing to read it the first way. This way it's less confusing.

 

Chapter 4:

You have more of those long sentences in this one. The ones I talked about in chapter one.

 

Chapter 5-8:

Same problems as before.

 

Chapter 9:

This chapter was a lot more spaced out than the previous ones. Your paragraphs had room to breathe and looked less cluttered. This isn't a bad thing, just mentioning that I hope the rest of the story is written out this way. Also, that you'll fix the earlier chapters.

 

Chapter 10-11:

Nothing new apart from the original problems.

 

Chapter 12:

'Dave could see the blood on the wall, he could see the blood on the floor, and he could see the body on the floor too'

Instead of repeating 'on the floor' why not reword it to like,

'and he could see the body not far from it.' then we'll still know it's on the floor without repetition.

 

Chapter 13:

'His brief glance over his shoulder before he tore out onto the driveway was just long enough for him to see Jean struggling to her feet.'

I feel this sentence could have a comma. While reading I had to stop and go back just to reread this sentence because it didn't sound right. Then I realized it's because you're missing a comma.

'His brief glance over his shoulder, before he tore out onto the driveway was just long enough for him to see Jean struggling to her feet.'

See how much smoother that reads? :)

 

Chapter 14:

'Through the foggy grey veil of confusion that swamped his mind, He'

That's the middle of a sentence, it should not be capitalized.

 

'his complexion had turned to ash and the dark shadow of stubble on his jawline suddenly made him look ten years older.' 

This should be removed. You already have this paraphrased in a similar way earlier in the chapter. It's just more repetition and I had to reread because I thought I was tired and jumped ahead earlier on in the chapter. It causes confusion for the readers.

 

Chapter 15-17:

The same mistakes from earlier chapters.

 

Chapter 18:

'telling himself to shut up several times a day,; ' 

Only one of those sentence breaks is necessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other than that though I enjoyed the story. ALL of it. About the only thing I wish would've been was that Jean and Gerry were there for the fire. I feel like they should've enjoyed that revenge as well. Maybe that'll be in a new update if you plan on adding more. I'm honestly glad though that Tony didn't burn up in that fire. Honestly, I thought he was going to burn it up with him in it. Glad to see it wasn't the case. It's a great story and I can't wait to see what else you send my way.

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