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25. Beauty in the Breakdown - The Force Of Storms (In Progress)

 

#21

Jan/2016

 

I really like the simplistic cover and your blurb grabs every ounce of my attention! (This was before you changed the cover to what it is now. Now the image makes me think of a 70's slasher film.)

 

The very first page? Is that what I want to call it? Leaves me captivated and intrigued. My first initial instinct is what happens next? How does this continue?

 

I would also like to point out that the concept behind the story, being that this came from one of you favorite songs, is really cool. :-) 

'Running my thumbs across the faint constellations of freckles spattered  across her cheekbones.' <<<<<< Do you see this sentence? I love it. Like, so fucking much. It's so little but says so much!

I adore the similes you've used when you have him think of love. Like the way he feels it should taste, and smell. I was in love just reading about him thinking of love.

There's a simplistic and realistic feel to your story that makes me want to be apart of it. I want you to write in a character that buys them lunch, lets them crash at her place knowing they'll more than likely steal her rainy day savings and leave again. (Let's be real here. That would so be me. I hate seeing people suffer. DX That and I'm too nice. But that's another story.) The only thing she asks in return is that when they leave again, they send her postcards, (When they can.) Just so she knows they're alright. Sigh. But you won't, and that's okay. ;)

I think I like Josh. Like, really, like Josh. Damn you for creating a fictional character I can never have. D:

Still unsure how to feel about Clara. She's so problematic. Most of the time she's the perfect runaway character. Then she decides she wants a tattoo for her birthday...oh boy. I understand she's a girl. I also understand that as a girl who was brought up in a rich lifestyle (Whether it's one she hated, I'm assuming she did, it or not is still unknown.) this lifestyle she now lives is completely new to her. But she forced herself on him to take her with. If she had really thought it through, she'd know that it's not going to be so easy to get things like tattoos, which are a luxury. Not a need.

 

Sorry. Rant over. I think that could've just stemmed from the fact that I'm secretly jealous he has to spend his time with her instead of me. Buuuuttt I digress.

 

Oh. I'm done..... :(

 

I hope you update again! I need more, although I'm judging by the way you've now ended it in that last chapter, that you've hit a rut. So I don't see a update happening in the very near future. But I have faved and liked in the hopes that you do.

 

I also really liked the dancing in the store. A very cute moment between a very adorable couple. (It also adds to the crush fire you've stirred. But I won't admit that.) Even though I just have xD.

Did you know Halloween was my favorite holiday as well? Or that the Saw series is also one of my favorites? (Halloween is my ultimate, but Saw is a close second.) 

 

 

 

Chapter One: I wouldn't call this a grammatical error, so much as it is a plot or scene error. At least I'm assuming it's an error, how I read it makes me think it is. Anyhoo, there's a moment when Josh is about to steal the girl's jacket and you mention she left it and her bag on the sidewalk. The later on you go to talk about how it looks as though it's lined with fur only you mention it's tucked away in the crook of her elbow. Now the way it's worded, it sounds like you're talking about the jacket itself. If you were referring to the fur I would recommend rewording it or finding another approach.

 

Chapter Two: Found another plot/scene error thingy. I think. Really it's just me needing confirmation, but letting you know that if I need said confirmation, there's the possibility that others will have wanted it too. You write that your character wasn't sure if he should use the money to get a full tank of gas or for them to have two full bellies. Yet a few sentences down we find up they spend most of the day driving around Colorado. Which makes me think he did use the money on gas. But yet there's nothing to tell that they haven't eaten or thoughts he has which tells us he feels guilty for not feeding her. With it still being early on in the story, this is where those thoughts or actions would come into play.

 

Chapter Three: Not sure how to take the moment you created with the creepy guy and the scared girl in the mall. I can only assume that you ran out of ideas and thought this one was best suited for your characters. What do I know? This creepy guy could show up in a later chapter. Or he could be the reason Colorado is no longer safe for them, we'll see how this pans out.

 

Chapter Four: There's a grammatical error in this one. (The first one I've noticed since my initial reading. THANK YOU!) 'I don't know enough about popular women to compare them two' that should be 'to'. You also don't need 'the' in the sentence, 'watching the every saw movie'. 

 

 

I can't wait till you update next. Besides the few things mentioned above, I don't see anything wrong with this story that cold be critiqued. Hopefully you don't have a rut and will update when you have the time. But regardless of when you do, I will be here waiting. :) Please feel free to ask me for more reviews. I adore your writing style! <3

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