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49. Beasts On The Hunt - Sarah Bq (Completed)

 

#43

April 10th 2017 

 

The summary is a bit long and at times a bit confusing, but very interesting. It seems to be a fantasy type story and they're always a bit complex. Your cover is unique but not very catching. I would suggest cutting out some of the characters so it's not as crowded. Then focusing on two or three that're important, then giving your background more attention.

 

 

Your first chapter is a bit of a bore. The characters are childish and the dialogue is bland. As a story teller, you have to show us what's happening and what your characters look like. What little description there was is telling us about the violence taking place. The only thing I learned about them is that they must be wolves based off their canine teeth and paws.The new character introduction was weak as well.

You broke paragraph so that you could show you were changing person and list character skills. No story would have that. It broke away from the what little feel of the chapter was there. Count that along with the lack of punctuation and this was a disappointment to read.

I'm sorry. 

 

I'm going to assume that because of the way it's written that English is not your first language. But if that's the case, you should have a co author look over your work to help you with tenses (said/says) and forms (his/her). So that as you continue writing it gets easier to differ between them.

The idea behind the powers and having them attach to the souls was a nice touch. It was different and not something you see in every story. But that's about the only good thing about this chapter. All the grammar mistakes in the first chapter are in this one as well and the description wasn't that great. 

I'm also not that fond of having author notes at the end of chapter notes. It distracts from the story. Having a line break and adding something in (if it's important) is acceptable I suppose.

 

 

 

 

In all, this wasn't a bad start I suppose. But I really can't continue onward with the way it's written. Some of my earlier reviews I could, but so many stories later and I have no patience for them anymore. Your story is good but the way it's written is poor.

My advice to you is that you enlist help from a English speaking user, who can help you sort through your story and fix your mistakes. It would be nice if you made your description stronger and gave more life to your characters than just dialogue.

After you clean it up, I'd be happy to re review your story. As I said, it's a good story but in it's current state it's a bit of a mess. Thanks for commenting and I hope you come back.

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