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37. A Handful of Poems - Lavern L.C. (In Progress)

 

#33

Nov/2016

 

I hope all is well when you send this in! It can be extremely nerve wracking and intimidating doing what you're doing. I wish you luck. :-) 

 

 

Have You

 

I am not well read when it comes to poetry. So completely disregard this if it's supposed to be this way. But I found this very confusing. It started like you might be talking about a character. But then the next verse I'm told of bloody footprints. When did a murder take place?

It jumped back again to the character in the first verse and it seemed like a story might be unfolding. But then the last verse is talking about the murder bit again. It's all very confusing.

 

I Love You, But

 

I liked this one. A lot more than I liked the first one posted. But, I feel like you're trying too hard. Instead of reading about monsters causing the divot between the two, I would've preferred life. 

A change of interests between the two, families coming between them. Anything, but what is actually written. I think personally, maybe I just don't like the content written in this poem. There's always the possibility that someone else will read it and enjoy it. 

But the way it's executed, it seems like actual monsters have separated the two as opposed to inner demons. Which is initially what I think you wanted. Though I could be wrong.

 

First Snow

 

This is a lot better read than the first two. It seems like an actual poem and tells a story that can be followed easily. I think there's one stanza in the poem that could have a word change. 

 

'Now, imperfect snowflakes fall onto the suspenseful grass'

Instead of suspenseful, what if you choose a word like 'awaiting' or 'anticipating'. Only because I find it hard to picture grass feeling suspenseful.

 

The last two verses about the couple I also feel like it's out of place. The entire poem seems to be about the snow and winter in general. Only to have it end with a couple that was never mentioned. 

Other than those two things though, I loved this one. It seems legit and well written like you knew where you were going with it.

 

 

Of The Stars

 

I really love this one. It's beautifully written and the words all blend together nicely. If anything could be vetoed I would remove the last stanza. Only because it seems corny and isn't really necessary. Though it's completely up to you because I'm sure others enjoyed it as is.

The way you wrote about the Earth, letting us vision what the young girl is seeing and feeling, is amazing. Then you lure us in further with talk of the young girl who's captivated with the night sky. There's nothing about this poem I don't love, excluding the last stanza.

So far this is my favorite and you should send this one in.

 

 

Lies

 

This was another poem where I am left very confused. It seemed as it progressed that maybe she was dead. That the child she was seeing was her own and then she awoke from a dream. But certain stanzas confuse me and make me think that's a wrong assumption.

 

There's another stanza that also doesn't make sense.

'The wall's pigment dripped in tired submission to the dusty tiling'

A pigment is a color. How can a color drip in tired submission? Maybe I don't understand or I'm missing something, but I'm confused.

 

'He told me 'Wait there.' I waited there'

Who told her? Death? A family member on the other side? God? 

 

'I felt like their mother, their sanity.'

Why should she feel so responsible for dead children? I thought the child she sees later is hers? 

 

'Heart, not broken,' 

'Not anymore.'

Why should her heart be broken? Because she was taken from her family? Or for a reason undisclosed?
 

It all just throws me off and I'm left with more questions than answers.

 

 

I Want To Run

 

Well this was underwhelming. It starts off so abruptly and sure. The character wants to run and be free of life's stresses. But as they think it through that one person keeps them there.

We are brought in with a mindset to run and seeing them happy away from stress. But then just like that, they stay. We aren't told or shown why this one person means so much, that they'd rather stay. 

All of the constant breaks to new stanzas for suspense, is very annoying. 

 

 

Rainy Fate

 

I loved all of this poem and how it was executed and what words were chosen. All of course, except the last verse. It seems so out of place compared to the rest of the poem.

 

The way you make it seem as though we are the raindrop. How you claim to feel as though you are the moon instead of the rain. It's beautiful and the stanza,

 

'I feel like the cool moon, changing nothing but the tides.'

 

I honestly love it. It says everything with so little and it's written beautifully. This would be another one I would send it to that school.

 

 

In it's entirety, I think you have room to grow and you are doing so with every poem. Aside from the few I stated above, I don't think it's ready to be sent in to a school. I think if you took some time and kept working on your writing, you'll find the style that suites you. Then I'll be happy to read the new ones and tell you to send them off with a smile.

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