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17. A Dark Dance - Emolly (In Progress)

 

#13

Dec/2015

 

I love your cover! It's beautifully created but the blurb is a bit long. Shortening it might help a bit.

 

There wasn't enough in information in chapter 2 for me to understand her mother's actions. Hopefully within the next few chapters it gets explained further. 

I had to look up the expression 'nineteen to the dozen' simply because I had no idea what it meant. I feel too, that you should rename the third chapter, as it's only inner monologue about her friends home life. Her telling them about the letter is a sliver of the chapter.

I absolutely love how you wrote out chapter 4! It's simple but gives enough that the readers know how her days were spent. If there's one thing I'd comment on, it's that maybe you should bring in more of her thought process or feelings. You talk about her problems but you don't explain how she feels or thinks.

Gabe and Francina are adorable. I not only ship them, I hope you'll bring him round quite often in the story. :-) Their dance. Holy fucking shit. I need to read Dance of Shadows. Because wow.

How dare you leave me with that! That's all? You can't continue further? I'm dying woman! What happened with her acceptance? What about the long talk her and Gabe were to have about Francina's mother? Her and Gabe? TOO MANY QUESTIONS! 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1: You wrote 'I tickly his tummy' when I'm sure it was supposed 'I'm tickling his tummy'. I was also confused by the sentence 'We were glad to see the back of him.' I assume it was meant to be 'lack of him'. 

Chapter 2: Confused by the sentence 'jogging Oliver to my hip' was it supposed to be 'hugging' or 'juggling'? 

Chapter 3: I think you meant 'Willow joined' not 'join'. You have two 'are' in the sentence explaining Ally's siblings. You misspelled 'coach' as well.

Chapter 4: You misspelled 'for' in the month of November.

Chapter 7: The word 'bouncing' and 'that' are misspelled. The sentence 'When I had been earlier' confuses me. I'm not sure if you forgot a word or if you need to replace one with another. There's something off about the sentence 'after he had finished putting his on, tried, and succeeded' I'm not sure what though. You forgot to close off your dialogue before starting the next sentence. 

Chapter 8: 'A piece of my' was that supposed to be 'me'?

 

Regardless, my like and favorite are staying. I love this story, want more. Need you to finish please! :-) 

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