Lovely Madness

I had been in love before. Unlike most girls these days, my love was real. He was everything I had ever wanted from a man. He cared for me, he could make me laugh and smile, he kissed me like each one would be our last, he never hurt me. Until the day that he did. But even then, I couldn't stop loving him. I think a part of me still loves him now. When you fall so deeply in love with someone, you can't just stop.

Then out of nowhere, he came back. After leaving me alone for so long he had come back. I didn't want to let him in. I didn't want to feel things about him anymore. The thought of him drove me to madness. Passionate, heartbreaking, beautiful, lovely madness.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."

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I led him down the hallway and into my bedroom. I placed his wine down on my nightstand and released his hand. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I pushed him until he was sitting on the side of my bed. He kept his eyes locked with mine. I start to walk away when his hands shot up and gripped my hips. My eyes widened for a second. I let my arms hang limply at my sides. 

"What are you doing?" He muttered.

 I shrugged. That was a really good question actually. 

"Giving a shit," I answered. 

"But why?" 

"Yes, you left me, but it's not the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I've never hated you. And now... I want you to be okay. If you're in trouble I want to help you," my voice got quieter with each word. 

"Riley..." His hands shifted slightly against my hips and my legs almost buckled underneath me. 

Physically, Harry was obviously the most beautiful man I had ever seen. But when he got physical with me... I could die. I almost had forgotten what his touch felt like. His large hands covered my hips and his fingers reached all the way to my back. The warmness of his hands seeped through my shirt. It was sixty eight degrees in here how is he so warm? I myself was getting kind of cold. Maybe if he could just wrap his arms all the way around me... No. God he was doing it again. Fucking bastard. 

"I've never hated you. You should know that. You left without saying anything and for some reason that didn't bother me as much as it should have." 

I needed to touch him. I shouldn't though. I know I'd regret it but I had to. Slowly, without even realizing it, my hand made its way up to his face. I cupped his cheek in my hand and he let out a deep breath like he had been holding it in. His eyes fluttered shut as I rubbed my thumb over his soft skin. 

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. 

"For what?"

 There was a clump of hair falling over his eye and it was pissing me off. I wanted to look at every inch of his face. I took my free hand and brushed the hair back. Holy hell, it was so soft. I could fall asleep in that shit. He let out another sigh. 

"I didn't want to leave. I thought I was gonna come back. You need to know that I would never choose to leave you." 

So now I was curious. I don't know why I didn't want to know what had happened. Part of me thought maybe he has a whole secret family somewhere or, he had three months left to live. Neither of those thoughts should bother as much as they do. He walked back into my life today. It hasn't even been a whole day yet here we were. I wanted to resent him and hate him and kick him out. But something about him being here felt right. 

"You thought you were gonna come back?" I repeated. 

"She found me again, less than two hours after we first met and I couldn't get away," he sounded so ashamed. 

"I guess good sex has that power." 

As soon as I finished my sentence his head shot up. His eyes were wide and alert and he gripped me tighter.

"What? No! Yes I left for a girl but... I didn't fucking sleep with her. I'm not that bad of a person. Remember I was sick? She had something I could use," Harry desperately explained. 

Well fuck me right? I bit my bottom lip and looked away from him trying to hide my smile. So he wasn't unfaithful. That made me way too happy. 

"Was it illegal?" I muttered. 

"Yeah, which I didn't know until I met her. Which is why I knew you'd hate me for awhile. Her dad was part of that drug ring and he wanted me and... I couldn't get away. Riley I thought about you so-." He shut himself up quickly and I looked back at him. 

His eyes were unreadable but I'd give anything to be able to read them. 

"Finish," I commanded. 

"You were basically my lifeline. The only reason I never gave in to taking any of that shit myself was because I knew that you'd kill me before it could." 

I genuinely laughed at his statement. He was spot on about that. Drugs were the worst sin to me and he would've had his ass kicked so hard- that isn't the point though. The point is that the man sitting in front of me, the only man I had ever been in love with, was held against his will. He was basically kidnapped. Someone stole him away from me, and more importantly his life. Once I realized this, my smile faded away. I was anxious, nervous, nothing good. What if he really did only have three months to live? I released his face and pushed his hands off of me. I stepped back and turned towards the door out of my room. 

"Riley!" Harry called after me.

I ran out into the living room and frantically searched for my phone. 

"Riley, what are you doing?" Harry came up behind me. 

His calm voice slid down my ears smoothly and slowly. I stood up straight and turned to face him. I hadn't realized how ragged and loud my breathing had become. God please don't let me have a fucking panic attack. 

"Harry that was illegal! God only knows what they did to you while you were there but they kidnapped you! I have to call the police," My voice was loud and cracked. 

"Fuck," I groaned. 

I raised a hand to my forehead and shut my eyes. What the hell is wrong with me? Harry's scent was taking over my mind again. He pulled my hand down and dropped it at my side. In Simone fashion, he grabbed the sides of my face, and raised it until his eyes were cutting deep down into mine. The light in the living room wasn't on, but it was in the kitchen. Standing against the light, his bright green eyes were darker and more hypnotizing, I almost drowned. 

"Calm down okay? Take some deep breaths and calm down," he whispered. 

Each of his words blew that delightful smell into my face. 

"They made me deal for them. That's all, they didn't hurt me." 

THAT'S ALL? Dealing drugs is illegal too, I hope he knows that. Those smart bastards. So if they get caught, so does he. 

"Are you... Are you sure? Nothing hurts?" I asked quietly. 

I could feel the pathetic expression on my face. It felt like I looked the same way Simone did when she begged me for ice cream. 

"If anything, I feel a hell of a lot better."

 The corner of his lips tugged into a small smile and I nearly slapped him. He can't fucking play with me like this. 

"I'm surprised you even care," he said. 

His thumbs started running over my skin and he pulled me closer. 

"How could I not? They're gonna come after you aren't they?" I bit my lip as the realization hit me.

 His smile dropped like a dime and he slid his hands down to my neck. Damn it, that felt great. 

"Probably. So don't worry. I'm leaving Seattle tomorrow. I need to keep constantly moving." 

Wait, wait, wait. He was leaving. After all the shit he made me go through today? After all the emotions and memories about him? You've got to be fucking kidding.

 "Are you serious?" What a brave response, good one Riley. 

"I need to make sure they don't find me. Besides, if I even stayed in this city they'd find you. Leverage type thing you know? And I couldn't put Simone in trouble like that. Or you. I can't let either of you get hurt," he explained.

 Where he was coming from made sense in my head. Yeah, it was the logical and mature thing to do. But that stupid organ thumping in my chest felt otherwise. Everything he just said translated to I'm leaving you again to save myself, in my heart. 

"But... But." I didn't know what to say. 

"No! No, Harry you can't do that!" I yelled pushing him away. 

He stumbled back looking confused. 

"What?" He asked.

 "Don't what me! Harry, do you know how much you meant to me? Do you know how in love I was with you?!" I exclaimed. 

He looked like he wanted to say something but just watched me make a fool of myself instead. 

"There would be nights when I was scared someone had killed you. I missed you okay? I missed you so fucking much and now... Now you're back. You're here. I don't know how I feel. I can't say that I'm still in love with you but... You were my best friend too! Don't you get that?" 

Angrily glaring at him became extremely hard when I noticed the tears forming in my eyes. Gosh damn it. Harry looked so hurt, so broken down all of the sudden. He nodded so small I barely noticed. 

"You haven't been here for ten hours and already you've just grown back on me. And Simone, she loves you. I don't know how you did it so fast but you did. You do that to fucking everyone!" I didn't mean to yell but I couldn't help it. 

"If you think just waltzing back into my life four years later to buy my niece and I pancakes and take me down memory lane with you is okay... Then you must've taken some drugs because you're damn wrong. That is not okay! It's not!" I screamed. 

"Riley," his voice was soft, pained. 

"No, Harry. I don't know why you're here. What you're doing right now is the complete opposite of being a man. I'm not an overly emotional person but look at me. I'm fucking crying my eyes out! Over you! So you can't..."

 I was losing my voice. The tears were burning as they rolled down my cheeks. I felt so weak and pathetic. I just wanted to go to sleep. I stared at the ground and rubbed my temples. I looked back up at him. More tears couldn't help but fall when I saw how red his eyes had become. He looked like he was about to cry. 

"You can't leave again. You can't leave... Me."

 I had never felt so defeated. Honestly I didn't know where everything I just said had come from. It has probably been building up since I first saw him this morning. As soon as I said that, he couldn't look at me anymore. His hair fell over his face and I tried to wipe my eyes. I stood there staring at the ground. Crying. I just cried. I heard the floorboards creak and saw Harry's shoes standing in front of mine. 

"You're right. You're so right. God, I'm such an idiot."

 What was he trying to prove here? 

"Riley," he said my name softly.

 I didn't look up at him, didn't give him any reaction. 

"Riley. Love, please," he whimpered. 

Oh fuck, he knew I couldn't resist that. A final tear rolled down my cheek as I weakly looked up at him. "Stay with me," I said. I said it so quietly I wondered if he had even heard me. His fingers wiped away my tears and he brushed my baby hairs back.

 "I... Okay. Yes. I'll stay," he replied. 

Before I could step away, he pulled my face so close to his I nearly passed out. My face was in line with his neck when I felt it. His soft lips gently but firmly pressed against the skin of my forehead. I shut my eyes, taking in the warmth of the kiss. Feeling his lips on me again brought back so many memories I felt like I was going to explode. He pulled less than an inch away when he finished. "I'm an idiot. And I'm so sorry. I thought I was trying to do what was best for you, but I think only you know what that is. I'm so so sorry, love," he whispered. 

His lips brushed against my forehead with every word. I didn't say anything more after that. We went back to my bedroom and I let him shower. I got in bed making sure I left him enough room. I was too exhausted to overthink everything that had just happened. So as soon as my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep.

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