Never Be

Claudia had a simple life in Sydney Australia.

She spent her days wondering what her future will hold with her 4 best friends.

She has dreams, they have dreams... but do happy endings exist?

This is the REAL world.

She has conflicting feelings about one boy in particular, but to him, they are just friends.

But with hope can a friendship grow into something more?

Read to find out!

(5sos not famous)

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16. Cuts

December 2, 2010

 

 

WARNING: SELF HARM AND TALK OF DEPRESSION

 

 

Claudia's POV

 

I opened my eyes and nuzzled into something warm. Wait. What am I cuddling into? I opened my eyes in shock and calmed myself when I realized it was just Ashton. He was sleeping peacefully on his back and I was on my left cuddled into his side with my head in his chest so I could hear his heart beating. My arm laid lazily across his torso and he has his right arm over my shoulder. From the angle I was at and because of my boredom and curiosity I looked at his bracelets on his left arm that rested below my face. There was the classics: Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the Blink-182 bracelet he stole from Luke, and string ones. I turned each bracelet around his wrist to admire the designs, but there seemed to be a little red on one of his orange handmade bracelets. I touched it and shot my arm back when I realized it was dry blood.

I was a pretty tough girl, but blood always scared me and made me weak in the legs. But, knowing what this blood was the result of made me feel uneasy. I so very carefully untied the orange bracelet to reveal the last thing I wanted to see. There was two fresh cuts under that bracelet that seemed to be only done yesterday.

For some reason I couldn't register it.

My best friend, the only one I could trust my life with, my buddy since birth, cut.

I felt a wetness under my head and realized I was crying. I was crying for the first time in 3 months. I only cry when I really really have to and this fit in. I had millions of thoughts running through my mind,

When did this start?

Why is he doing it?

Is he depressed?

Why didn't he tell me or the boys?

Wait, maybe the boys do know.

Why is this a secret from me?

 

All I wanted to do at the moment was help him. I had to cup my hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs. I guess my blubbering was too loud and I woke up Ash.

"Claudia! Why are you crying?"

More sobs. I just couldn't face him so I buried my head into his stomach.

"Clauds, please tell me you're scaring me."

"A-shhhh-shhhh" I couldn't even say his name. I just couldn't stop crying.

He got the clue that I couldn't talk very well at the moment so he and I sat up and he rubbed my back as I slowly stopped crying.

I finally calmed down and was able to form a coherent sentence.

"Claudia, why are you crying did you have a bad dream, are you uncomfortable or are you sick or-"

"No, no Ash." I had to cut him off he was scaring himself.

"It- it's just," I had to force it out.

"Ashton, I saw your wrists."

"Oh... Umm... I- I, I"

"Ashton, please, I love and care for you too much to see you in this way. How come you never told me? Do the others know? Your mom? Please Ash, I just wanna help." I begged.

He took a deep breath.

"Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'll just tell you everything. Ok. Umm well I started after our 16th birthday because I was depressed. I had to be the father in this family since Lauren was born, and I had to be the man of the house at such a young age. I went through bullying all these years, and it has really been tough. I constantly felt like I was worthless, useless, and I could never picture a future in my life. I can't picture myself having a home, having a wife, kids or a career. Its been really hard, not having a father in my life. My grandfather is all I have, except I cant see him everyday and he is aging. I just lost all hope on life and I don't see anything else it has to offer. I want to end it. That's why I cut. My mom knows, shes tried everything to help but failed. The boys do know, they saw it, I didn't tell them. I made them promise not to tell you. I didn't want you to pity me or think any other of me. I don't want you sad, that's why I didn't tell you."

I sat in silence as I processed this information. I was not mad, but sad. Sad because I could've been there for him, but I never saw his depression. He hid it from me to protect me, but I'm the one who should've been protecting him.

"Ash, you could've told me. I would've helped you, you are my best mate. Although I understand why you wanted to keep it from me. I'm sorry I didn't notice your feelings earlier. I understand how you feel on the bullying part. I am so sorry about your father and how he left you and your mother. You are a smart talented boy who deserves the world and more. You have helped your mother raise Lauren and Harry so, so well. Life has plenty to offer, sometimes you just need someone to help you see it. I will be that someone. We can work through this together, I will be there for you because you always have been there for me. I promise."

My tears have now dried but there was new ones forming. On Ashton. 

He reached forwards and embraced me in a tight hug as he sniffled in my shoulder. 

He pulled back with his hands on my shoulders "Thank you Claudia. I should've told you sooner, but I didn't for reasons already stated. I would be glad to let you help me see what life has in store for me. I love you so much."

That last part took me by surprise, but I knew it was friendly love, not LOVE love. He is my best friend, not my boyfriend. But why am I feeling more?

I shook myself out of my thoughts. "I love you too Ashton, you are my best friend."

I was ready to help him through all this, and show him the good in life because he deserves the best.

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