Never Be

Claudia had a simple life in Sydney Australia.

She spent her days wondering what her future will hold with her 4 best friends.

She has dreams, they have dreams... but do happy endings exist?

This is the REAL world.

She has conflicting feelings about one boy in particular, but to him, they are just friends.

But with hope can a friendship grow into something more?

Read to find out!

(5sos not famous)

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18. Be his Saving Grace

December 2, 2010

 

Caudia's POV

 

It was 10:00 at night. I spent the entire day with Ashton, we went to the mall and did some Christmas shopping, for my mother I bought an expensive necklace she's been longing for. For my dad I got a power drill since he's in to that stuff, and Ash got some stuff for his mum, sister and brother.

We got back to his around 8, but I went straight home because I was expecting my parents in a few hours. My auntie Re has still yet to call. I had to shower and clean up super fast, and now I have two hours to myself to relax.

But I was not.

I can't relax.

How can I relax after this? I should've been there for him! It's my fault I didn't protect him and not return the favor of how many times he has saved my life.

When I turned 14, my life flipped.

Bullying: verbal, physical, mental.

I went mental.

When I was home alone I would just scream.

I shut myself out from the world.

I would come home from school and run up to my room, never to be seen, only at dinner time. Never came out.

I found a home in the loneliness.

In the darkness.

At first it hurt, being alone.

I could've answered the texts to come outside and live life, but lame excuse one after another.

Because I wanted to be alone.

I grew accustomed to the loneliness.

I liked it.

Not hearing a single voice but my own.

I grew insecurities because the only person I saw was my reflection in my mirror.

With this, I also grew confidence because I learned to see the good in myself.

But I wouldn't leave my room.

 

Came 15.

I had an addiction.

An addiction to being alone.

Not the healthiest thing.

It was dangerous.

It was peaceful.

I reached further into the world of music.

Music was like company in my loneliness.

By then I hated being in large groups of people.

I grew anxious.

Music calmed me.

I bought album after album, praising the sound.

My mother took note and bought me a piano.

The first song I learned to play was the same as many others first song.

Welcome to the Black Parade.

My Chemical Romance.

I was OK I guess. 

Again, Ashton was the one who came to teach me.

Always there for me.

I learned almost all the songs that were playable on the piano from that album.

The piano was moved to my room, of course.

The voices in the songs I blasted on my speakers were my company.

I found my happy place.

 

At the same time, I found my demons.

The demons in my head came to life.

My mom took me to a therapist.

I was told I had minor depression and anxiety.

I was not suicidal, but had many thoughts of it.

I went and am still going through a dark age.

Bullying made it worse.

I learned to toughen up and started retaliating. 

I liked darker things, and was teased for it.

Black.

Black clothes, jewelry, shoes.

I wanted to dye my hair to express my originality, although my mother denied me no matter how many times I argued that she dyed her hair bright red when she was younger.

She allowed me streaks behind my ear.

I did pink, purple, and I redid the purple again, as it looks so cool.

I have purple still now.

Basically, I ruined my mental stability.

And I'm only damaging it more beating myself up for not helping Ashton.

I am gonna be his saving grace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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