I Am Lavern

--Winner of the Dear Diary Competition-- Prepare for rants, opinions, my life, and the general ramblings of an 8th grader (update: 9th grader) who lives in the smack dab middle of South Carolina.


62. 02/27/2016

12:11 PM

Dear Diary,

So lately, I've been listening to the classics. No, not classical music, but the classical htis like Footloose and Billie Jean. The reason I'm teling you this, is because it has been a really pleasurable experience. I have also been listening to dance remixes on youtube of pop songs from the last handful of years. I am not one to listen to upbeat music like that will all the cursing and such, but I love listening to that music and sitting completely still at home in front my parents or in study hall and have a completely blank expression on my face. You see, when I listen to remixes or hard rock, I like the contrast between the noise, the energy on the inside and the almost bored silence on the outside. I just find it so beautiful!

In piano, I am starting on some classical music which is... alright. I still perfer transposing pop songs, but I guess I have to get that other end of the spectrum to apreciate what I love. A paradox, if you will. 

Tomorrow is Sunday (I like to call it the Day of Lies on my behalf). We are meeting at a children's home as part of my confirmation (of lies) in the church. I don't know what to expect. Then, we will be going back to the church for the lesson. Speaking of church, I receantly met with my mentor. She's nice, and she has a lot of cool stories to tell, but I hate lying to these people. I have this mental war. My dad would never forgive me if I told him I was Agnostic. Never. My mom already knows as she thinks the same way... almost. What am I supposed to do? I mean, sometimes I do learn things at chuch, life lessons, but most of the time I feel like a wretched person for lying to these people, deceiving them. There's no right answer, is there?

What am I to do?

Often, I think of college, freedom. I understand the stress that comes with leaving my parents and being on my own, but I feel like my future is a tangible thing. Get an English Major with a Minor in Computer Sceince, a Masters in English, become an English teacher. Then, maybe I'll find somone to marry, but maybe not. Ha! It probably won't happen like that though, it cannot be that happy. What will my parents do if I get an English Major rather than go to law school? 

Anyway, I feel like that time cannot come quick enough. I don't want to wish away my childhood, but if that is the sacrifice for not having to lie anymore, it's worth it. 

Where DO I get my morals from? Not from them, my grandparents, chuch, school. It's like some strange experiment to find out if a kid can form their own opinions in a strict environment. I don't understand. Why do I have to be like this? Sometimes, I wish I was as conservative as they are. Sometimes, I wish I couldn't empathize with people like I do, I wish I could hate people like they do, turn to God whenever I need a friend. 

However, I can't. 

It's not that I feel alone all the time, just inside my own home. 

What to do, what to do?



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