Invisible Glory

It was the way nothing else in the world mattered to you in that moment other than the workings of astrologists. How passionate you were about the subject. Maybe it was endearing. Maybe that was what made me fall in love with you.

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1. Invisible Glory

You always had an interest in astrology. The way the sun and the stars all coincided and worked as one. But for me, it was never too interesting. It never really appealed to me. Maybe it was because my parents believed in Creationism, or the fact that all of the other people I'd gone out with seemed to believe a lot more in evolution. But for me, for me it wasn't what I believed. It was the way your eyes shined in the glimmering light emerging from through the small window embedded between the concrete and wood of the old barn. It was the way your brain sparked when you thought of it. Or talked of it. It was the way nothing else in the world mattered to you in that moment other than the workings of astrologists. How passionate you were about the subject. Maybe it was endearing. Maybe that was what made me fall in love with you. You were beautiful. Heaven knew you always were. But that wasn't it. It wasn't because of your physical beauty, much rather about your mental beauty. How you knew everything yet still believed you knew nothing. How you acted as if you were exactly the same as every other person - despite the fact that you were never the same as anyone else. The say everyone's special in their own way. But you? You were the most precious thing in the world to me. You were the most special. Because of the things that made you, you. Made you extraordinary. You were incredible, incredulous - but you never knew it. Your true potential was hidden underneath your core. Your need and want to please anyone and everyone. It was tragic. Not in a bad way, but in the way that meant your potential was wasted. I should have told you. I should have made you, forced you to be who you were. You wouldn't have wanted it but it needed to happen. Your life was buried underneath all that you thought it should have been. All that you hoped it could have been. But you shouldn't have. And I shouldn't have let you. But I did. And for that, I would forever be apologetic. But I will never, ever be apologetic about trying to have you be the person you should have been. I will never be apologetic about the inevitability of the future. Of how you should have been so much more, could have been. I shouldn't have let you throw it all away in the such way that you did. In the way that I got that call, too early in the morning for anything to make sense. It still doesn't make sense even now. It still doesn't have the same impact as it should have. Grandparents dying would be less shocking, less depressing than this. But with this, the way you've wasted so much, I might just drive myself to a pre-medicated state because I should have. Should have at least tried to do far more than I did. More than I attempted.

 

But here I am. At your funeral. The party to celebrate your life. But all I can think about is all you've wasted. All I've wasted in attempt of being good for you. All I've wasted in attempt of keeping myself and yourself sane. Yet here I am, being forced to talk at your wake about the life you've lived, with the job of keeping everyone happy, remembering you in all your glory. How can I? How can I do such a thing when all I can think about and all I can see is your glorious face lighting up at documentaries about the universe.

 

You always had an interest in astrology. You could have done something similar as a career. You had so much promise, but it was left behind.

 

Abandoned in your invisible glory.

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