Me, the faliure

This is my story, I don't know why anyone would read it. But if you do, thank you. Sorry if it's horrible, and sorry if there's any spelling mistakes.


1. Others over me

And once again, it happens. Others are put before/over me. But then again... It's been that way my whole life, so it's not because I'm not used to it. It's just so annoying, and it really makes me feel even more worthless. At least more worthless than I already feel, which is a lot. But there's others who have it so much harder than me, there's the one's that gets physically, and sexually abused at home and in school. I don't, I get presents on my birthday every year, I go to school, I'm able to get an education, I can get a job and earn money, I can buy clothes, I have a roof over my head, I have more than enough food to eat, I have friends and family. I have pretty much everything I could ever ask for, and still I just want to die. I'm not saying that I'm never happy, becase I am. I do fell joy and happiness, it's not always a bad day. But there's just too much pain and too many bad days. Everyday for the last 3-4 months the only thing I've been able to think about is killing myself and cutting. I mean, the only reason I have as to why I'm stil on  this earth breathing, is because if I killed myself, it would hurt others, it would hurt people I care about, and I don't want to hurt them. But I'm not truly alive, I'm not on this earth to please others or to make sure that everyone else is/was okay. It's not my job, my job is to make sure that I'm okay. And for the last 5-6 years, I haven't done that. I thought if I put my feelings before others I were a selfish bitch, and now that I've realized that I should've just put my fellings and my health before others, it's too late. When I put my feelings before others or myself before others, I'm a bitch and they're mad at me. I've learnt that others are more important than me. And like my sister said once "You (meaning me) always expect to get and get and get, but you never give anything back!" and then my mom, sister, brother didn't understand why I didn't want to go out and eat with them. Also like my mom said "Mathilde, we need to start working on you losing weight." And then she doesn't understand  why I'm quiet, closed off, and don't want to eat anything that night. My mom also said later that night that my sister, brother and I were ungrateful kids, that no matter what she did it was never good enough, that we never helped her, that we didn't care. But then again we (meaning my sister, brother and I) hear that speech often, so it's nothing new. But basically what I've been told and what I've learn't for the last 5-6 yesr, is that others and their feelings are always more important than you and your feelings. That I should just kill myself, I don't deserve living, I'm a slut, a whore, a mountain, a hippo, ugly, stupis, worthless. Honestly I feel more alive in my dreams, but maybe that's because in my dreams somebody loves me and cares for me and I'm pretty there. I'm everything people would accept and like maybe even love. Basically I'm not me in my dreams, I have my face, the difference is just that I'm pretty. I have my voice, but still it's differen't. In my dreams, I'm everything I'm not in real life. If I died, I don't really think it would be much different from how I'm feeling, from what my life is like now.




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