Doctor's Orders


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1. Doctor's Orders

You haven’t been looking the best lately.

And I know you like honesty, so to be honest you look like hell.

Really, you just look like you’re dying. 

And it might be the tubes and all this other stuff you’ve been hooked up to.

Or maybe it’s because the doctors told me you were

But it doesn’t look like you’re gonna be around here for much longer

And I don’t think anyone is dealing with it all too well.

So I’ll be frank, because it’s not like anyone else is going to be.

I’m worried about you;

I’m worried about you and mum and dad and life after you.

And I don’t know a lot but shit, is it going to be hard to without you.

So for once I’m happy with that whole coma thing you’ve got going on.

Because I know you and I know how angry you’d get with me.

And how much you hated how people worried

They’re trying to stop me seeing you. And I don’t know maybe I should.

That’s what Dad says and I know you’d probably agree with him.

He doesn’t come as much anymore.

I think he’s finding it hard, seeing you all wired up.

He never says anything just… sort of stares.

Like he can’t believe any of this is really happening.

I’m not sure I can either.

He tried talking to you last week, like I do, you know?

But he just sort of lost it and started crying.

Which was weird.

I’d never seen him cry before.

Or yell

And he did a lot of that.

I’m not sure what it was he said exactly, it didn’t really sound like words.

More of a yelp really as if he was in pain.

That’s what Mum says, that he’s in pain;

He’s hurting;

He’s unstable…

And drunk. A lot.

So she’s taken me away from him now.

They had this whole big argument.

The kind they had when we were little, remember?

The ones with all the name-calling.

She would call him a drunk and he would call her a whole lot of words you told me never to say.

I didn’t like the fights and I didn’t like this one.

Only your bed was empty this time.

And you weren’t there to crawl in next to.

You were dying instead.

Which hey, isn’t your fault.

You weren’t driving the car.

You just stood in front of it.

And I can’t really be mad at you for your own accident – Even though I am.

We all are.

 

They still let me see Dad.

I just don’t live with him anymore.

I asked him about the hospital, what happened to him at the hospital.

 And he didn’t reply for ages.

Just started crying again instead.

He doesn’t talk to me much anymore

He hasn’t been talking to anyone really.

Dad likes to be alone now.

 

Everyone at school is acting like you were some saint.

And it’s really starting to bother me because you weren’t that great.

I mean, to me you were.

You were my cool older sister and, as embarrassing as it is, I pretty much idolised you.

But I know what you were like.

You were mean and bitter and it’s really not surprising that you had no friends.

They hated you.

They hated you and you hated them.

And now the balance is all skewed because they keep apologizing to me.

 

‘I’m sorry about your sister’.

 

‘I heard about your sister. I’m so sorry’

 

They keep saying all these stupid things, like they’re the ones who killed you.

Like you were some sort of blessing in their lives that they were lucky to have.

Which is just a lie. Like I said – You were horrible.

Anyway,

I guess this is my goodbye.

And I guess I should just come clean and tell you I love you.

Which I don’t think I’ve ever done before now.

Or if I did it wasn’t enough

 

I haven’t been feeling the best lately

And honestly I feel like hell

 

These tubes are saving you

But they’re slowing killing me

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