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In this Seth MacFarlane cartoon adaption of 'Toy Story 2', Woody (Glenn Quagmire) is kidnapped by Al McWhiggin (Adam West) and Buzz Lightyear (Cleveland Brown) and his friends organizes a rescue mission.
But will Buzz and his team find their missing friend? And will Woody ever want to go back, with the stake of his new friends at risk of going back into storage?

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7. To... Or Not To...

Buzz and the toys were being bounced up and down in the bag. Both Al’s singing and driving were driving them nuts. Then they heard the driving stopped and the car door being opened and then closed again.
   “He didn’t take the bag!” Rex exclaimed.
   Buzz hopped out of the bag and looked through the driver’s window. He could just see Al in the elevator with the doors closing. “He’s ascending in the vertical transporter.” Then he pressed his big red button to open his wings. Then he grabbed Rex’s arm and then Potato Head’s arm. “All right, everyone,” he said. “Hang on tight! We’re gonna blast through the roof. To infinity and beyond!”
   But nothing happened. And the toys were very confused. Why has Buzz gone back to being an asshole again?
   “Has that Buzz Lightyear aisle turned you back into an idiot again?” asked Slinky.
   “I don’t think so,” said Buzz. “It’s just that I don’t understand how somehow my fuel cells somehow had somehow suddenly gone dry.” Without looking, he put his hand on the button of the door and the door opened. All the toys fell out and Potato Head was in pieces – literally.
   “What happened to your carefulness, too, Buzz?” asked Potato Head.
   But Buzz ignored him and headed for the entrance of the penthouse. Through the door, he saw the elevator reach the top floor.
   “Damn!” snapped Buzz. He turned to the toys. “He’s on level twenty-three.”
   “How are we gonna get up there?” asked Slinky.
   “Maybe if we find some balloons, we could float to the top,” suggested Rex. “Just like in Up.”
   “We did way too many parodies of Up in Old and New,” said Potato Head. “I say we dress ourselves up like a monster, walk through the closet and scare the crap outta the little kids for energy. Just like in Monsters Inc.”
   “Nah, that won’t work,” said Hamm. “We need something more useful.”
   Out of the door, a real-life version of WALL-E came of the building, throwing a cube of waste out of his body. “All right?” he said to the toys, as he wheeled himself into the building.
   “What was the point of all that?” asked Slinky.
   “We wanted something useful and we got something useful,” said Hamm.
   “I don’t get it and I don’t find it funny,” said Slinky.
   “Troops! Over Here!” called Buzz from the left. He took the air vent cover off. “Like you said, Lizard Man,” he said to Rex. “To the shadows to the left. Okay! Let’s move!”
   The toys entered the vent and ran along it.
   “Mission log: Have infiltrated enemy territory with detection and are making our way through the ass of Zurg’s fortress,” Buzz reported to his log.
   “Boy, we were only in that toy barn for one hour and he’s already gone back to his old crap ways?” said Potato Head.
   If that wasn’t bad already, Buzz was taking them all around the vent.
   “Aren’t we going in circles, Buzz?” asked Slinky.
   “I’m Buzz Lightyear!” Buzz protested. “I always know what I’m doing!”
   Then there was a rumble.
   “Oh, damn!” snapped Buzz. “The walls are closing in.” He quickly grabbed Potato Head and put him to the roof of the vent above him and the other toys. “Help me prop up, Vegetable Man, or we’re done for.”
   “This isn’t the Death Star Garbage Chute, you space bastard!” snapped Potato Head, who thought the space toy had gone way too far.
   “Guys, it’s not the wall,” said Rex. “It’s the elevator!”
   The toys turned around to see the elevator reached the floor they were on. They went to it.
Buzz looked up to see they have a long way to get up to the top. “Come on, we got no time to lose,” he told the toys. “Everyone, grab hold!” He pulled out a hook from his belt and gave it to Potato Head. Then Buzz got out some sticky pop-up climbers. He jumped up on the wall and started to climb up.
   “Buzz, why not just take the elevator?” asked Hamm.
   “We’re running outta time!” Buzz exclaimed.
   The others groaned and screamed as they all took the hook and fell down as Buzz started to climb up.

 


Buzz was climbing on the wall and the toys were moaning and struggling while they were holding on the hook.
   Buzz stopped as he saw a Green Goblin toy hover above him. Above the goblin was a Spider-Man toy fighting him. Spider-Man kicked the goblin off his glider and landed on the wall.
   “Take care now, guys,” said Spider-Man as he climbed down like a spider. Buzz moved on.
   The toys still weren’t happy hanging onto the hook except when they came through a whole exhibition of concept art from movies.
   “Wow!” exclaimed Potato Head. “Ralph McQuarrie’s original Star Wars, Battlestar Galatica and E.T. concept arts!”
   “Wow!” exclaimed Slinky. “Look! Original Toy Story concepts!”
   “Oh, cool!” said Rex. “Playboy’s very first pictures. Not as sexy as the modern ones.”
   “Is this all The Lord of the Rings illustrations Alan Lee gave us?” moaned Hamm as he was looking at them. “Couldn’t he have made the female characters sexier? Or is it Tolkin’s fault?”
   “This is getting too heavy,” moaned Buzz. “This must be some other way. If I think about it… My anti-gravity servos!” He pressed the middle of his belt, which glowed. “Hang on tight, everyone!” Buzz told the toys. “I’m going to let go off the wall.”
   “What?” exclaimed the toys.
   “How big of an asshole are you?” asked Potato Head.
   “What is this, some kind of Jackass episode?” said Slinky.
   “One,” counted Buzz.
   “If he does let go,” said Hamm, “I hope there’s a Woman Wonder doll waiting below to catch us.”
   “Two,” counted Buzz.
   The other toys pleaded Buzz not to do it.
   “Three!” he finished as he and the toys fell down. Down they went. Then Buzz felt like he was actually flying up. “To infinity and beyond!” he cried.
   If only he looked below, he would have known he and the toys were actually on the elevator going up. He saw they were approaching the top floor. He turned his anti-gravity servos off and, when the elevator reached the floor, he got off.
   The toys got off the elevator. They felt awful.
   “I feel sick,” moaned Rex.
   “That was rougher than the Cyclone at Six Flags,” moaned Slinky.
   Potato Head threw up. The plastic puke was like it had been made by Playskool. “Hey, look, kids can now play with it,” he said happily.
   “Don’t worry,” said Buzz. “Y’all feel better pretty soon. Now let’s move.” The mad space toy went on ahead.
   “Remind me to glue… no, nail or… make sure his helmet is stuck with concrete when we get back,” Potato Head said to Hamm as they feebly walked on.


Buzz and the team had been walking through the long vent for ages. They decided to take a break.
   Buzz opened his log wrist. “Mission Log: Still haven’t found Zurg or his wooden captive.”
   Then they heard a loud noise.
   “It’s Woody!” cried Slinky.
   “This way!” Buzz and the toys went to the end of the vent. They couldn’t see through the grid.
   Buzz took one of Potato Head’s eyes and popped it through the grid.
   “I can’t see,” said Potato Head. “Because I have crap eyes and I can’t see without glasses.”
   “Anything from his arse?” asked Buzz.
Rex, Hamm and Slinky were searching for Potato Head’s spare bits. They weren’t looking at what they were doing.
   “I can’t believe doctors get paid for feeling people’s asses,” said Rex.
   “Just find a piece already!” snapped an impatient Buzz.
   “Found it,” said Slinky. He got out Potato Head’s plastic monocle.
   Buzz put it on Potato Head’s eye.
   “Ah, that’s much better,” Potato Head sighed.
   “Now what do you see?” asked Buzz.
   “Well, I see… Oh, I see some very nice curtains and a green case with a man’s underwear and – ”
   “Any sign of Woody?” snapped Slinky.
   “Yep,” replied Potato Head. “It looks like they’re torturing him. WHAT?”
   “What are we gonna do, Buzz?” asked Rex.
   “Use your god awful ugly head!” replied Buzz.
   Soon Buzz, Potato Head, Slinky and Hamm had lifted up Rex and were charging for the grid.
   “But I don’t wanna use my god awful ugly head!” Rex protested.
   But Buzz and the toys used him like jousting. They opened the grid and charged into the room. They couldn’t stop and crashed into a cardboard box. They groaned.
   “What the hell is going on here?” asked Stinky Pete.
   “Buzz! Guys!” Woody cried happily. “How did you find me?”
   “Watch your sexy ass!” yelled Buzz as he pushed him down for protection.
   Woody looked up to see Andy’s toys attacking his Round-Up gang. “No, hold on!” he cried.   “You guys don’t understand. These are my friends.”
   “You got that right, Woody,” said Rex. “We’re your friends and we’re taking these bastards down. And the bitch.”
   “No, Rex!” snapped Woody. “Those bastards and that bitch are my friends as well.”
   “Let’s just grab Woody and go!” ordered Slinky.
   “What about Zurg?” asked Buzz.
   “At least you’re saving his prisoner,” said Hamm, joining in the game. “Now, come on!”
   Buzz grabbed Woody and he and Andy’s toys began to run back to the air vent when –
   “Hold it right there!” ordered a toy.
   “Buzz?” cried Woody and Andy’s toys. They were looking at another Buzz Lightyear. This one was un-helmeted.
   “You again?” said Utility Belt Buzz.
   “Woody, thank Morgan Freeman you’re all right,” said un-helmeted Buzz.
   “Buzz, what is going on?” Woody asked both Buzzs.
   “I am Buzz Lightyear and I am in charge of this squad,” said Utility Belt Buzz, dropping Woody.
   “Like hell you are!” snapped un-helmeted Buzz.
   “So who’s the real Buzz?” asked Woody.
   “I am!” Both Buzzes said.
   “Don’t let this dickhead fool you!” snapped Utility Belt Buzz. “He’s been trained by Zurg himself to mimic my each and every move!”
   Then his helmet came off and this Buzz was choking for air.
   Andy’s toys looked at the other Buzz who put his foot out. It had Andy’s writing on it.
   “BUZZ!” cried the toys happily.
   “What the hell happened to you?” asked Potato Head.
   “Well, after we split up in Al’s Toy Barn…”

 


While the toys were searching for Woody at Al’s Toy Barn, Andy’s Buzz got side-tracked by the Buzz Lightyear aisle. He looked around at all the Buzzes. Then he looked up to see a Buzz Lightyear on a stand. This one had a blue belt around it.
   “This will make me cooler than Mr. Freeze,” said Andy’s Buzz. “No, wait, that’s a villain. Cooler than the Human Touch? Yeah, that’s even cooler!”
   He climbed up on the stand and looked at Utility Belt Buzz. “Does my moustache really look like a bend hotdog?” he asked himself. Andy’s Buzz looked down and saw the cool belt. He reached for it. Then he was grabbed him and pushed him against the plastic.
   “What the (bleep) are you doing?” snapped Andy’s Buzz.
   “Quiet, scumbag!” ordered Utility Belt Buzz. “You’re in direct violation of Code 6404.5 stating that all space rangers are to in hyper-sleep until awakened by authorized personnel.”
   “Oh, God,” moaned Andy’s Buzz. “I know I wasn’t this deluded!”
   “One more word out of you and I will use my laser which I do have,” warned Utility Belt Buzz.
   “What? A laser that’s like a light bulb?” Andy’s Buzz pressed Utility Belt Buzz’s laser button which was aimed for his head.
   Utility Belt Buzz gasped and back-jumped on a plastic moon above Andy’s Buzz.
   “How stupid are you?” asked Utility Belt Buzz. “You could have killed me, you space prick! Or should I say, ‘Space Bastard’?” He fired his laser at Andy’s Buzz.
   Andy’s Buzz, now wiser than this complete idiot, was unaffected by this laser firing, literally! “I don’t have time for this,” he said. He started moving.
   “Halt!” yelled Utility Belt Buzz. “I order you to halt!” But he just saw Andy’s Buzz opening the door and heading out. He jumped out too and started attacking him. He knocked poor Andy’s Buzz out.

 


When Andy’s Buzz woke up, he saw Utility Belt Buzz was tying him up to a Buzz Lightyear spaceship package.
   “Listen to me!” yelled Andy’s Buzz. “You’re not really a space ranger. You’re a goddamn toy! We’re all toys! Do you catch my cold?”
   “No one will catch anything from you now,” said Utility Belt Buzz.
   Andy’s Buzz wriggled about to try to break free.
   “Oh, save your energy for the court martial,” said Utility Belt Buzz, as he put Andy’s Buzz on the bottom row. “You’re going to need it!”
   Andy’s Buzz continued to wriggle to break free. Then, to increase his horror, he saw his friends telling Utility Belt Buzz to join them on Tour Guide Barbie’s car.
   “No, guys!” he shouted through the plastic. “You’ve got the wrong Buzz! What the hell are you guys doing? Can’t you see that’s a different Buzz?”
   They couldn’t as they drove off, leaving him behind.
   Andy’s Buzz continued to wriggle and wriggle and wriggle until his ‘spaceship’ fell off and he finally managed to get himself out. He freed himself and heard Al happily singing. He peeked around the corner of the aisle and saw Al. He even saw Rex’s tail hanging out of his bag.
   Buzz tried to reach Al by chasing him to the entrance, but because he wasn’t fit enough, Al went outside his shop and the doors closed in on Buzz.
   “Oh, damn!” he yelled angrily. “Why didn’t I keep up with the Star Command fitness programme? Oh, wait! I’m turning back into that idiot now! Now Al’s house could be miles and miles and miles and – Huh? Just across the road?”
   Buzz saw Al’s car was just across the road. He looked up to see some toy games. He climbed to the top, made the boxes fall to the doors, which made them opened, and ran out.
   He crossed the road using a traffic cone. There were no cars this time, because of the traffic jam he and his friends had caused earlier, but he did manage to cause an entire bike marathon race to crash!
   He reached Al’s Penthouse and quickly saw Rex’s footprints on the ground leading to the air vent. So he went in and quickly found the elevator. When it went up, he caught the bottom of it and rode all the way up top. He climbed and squeeze through the elevator to reach the vent and he ran to the end of the vent where…

 


“…I found where my best friend was,” finished Andy’s Buzz.
   Utility Belt Buzz managed to close his helmet. “Will someone please explain what’s going on?” he asked.
   “It’s all right, space ranger,” said Andy’s Buzz. Then he whispered to him. “It’s a code 911.”
   “You mean it’s a – ”
   “Yeah!”
   “And he’s a – ”
   “Hell, yes!” replied Andy’s Buzz.
   Utility Belt Buzz stood before Woody and gave him a Nazi salute. “Mein Furher!” he said.
   Woody felt uneasy about this.
   “I tried to get him to say, ‘Your Majesty’, just like in the movie,” said Andy’s Buzz. “But back to business. Woody, you’re in danger. We need to leave now.”
   “Al’s selling you to a new toy museum,” said Rex. “In China!”
   “It’s Japan,” Slinky corrected him.
   “I thought it was in North Korea,” said Hamm. “Or South Korea.”
   “Whatever,” said Potato Head. “All Asians look the same to me.”
   “I actually want to go, Buzz,” said Woody.
   The shocked toys gasped. Potato Head’s lips fell out of his potato body. This was not the Woody they knew and love.
   “The thing is,” went on Woody, “I’m a rare Sheriff Woody doll and these guys are my round-up gang. From my own TV show!”
   He ran to the TV remote that was lying on the floor and he turned the TV on with it. All the toys saw Woody’s Round-up on the TV. “See? That’s me! And you should’ve have seen all this merchandise that just got packed up. There was a record player, a yo-yo, a lunch box and I even had my own breakfast cereal.”
   “Not to mention all the little girls had been wearing him as underwear and bikinis,” added Bullseye.
   “Woody, cut the crap and let’s go,” said Andy’s Buzz.
   “Nah, Buzz,” Woody sighed. “I can’t go. These guys need me to get into the museum. Otherwise they’ll go back into storage. Maybe forever.”
   “Woody, you’re not a collector’s item,” said Andy’s Buzz. “Or an ornament. Or some piece of crap written by Shakespeare many years ago. You’re a child’s play thing. You are a goddamn toy!”
   “Yeah? For how much longer?” asked Woody. “One more rip and Andy’s done with me! And what will I do then, Buzz, huh? You tell me!”
   “Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life is only worth living if you’d been loved by a kid,” Andy’s Buzz told him. “Just look at Crap Buzz over there. See what you’ve done to me.”
   “Well, think of it like at the end of the first Men In Black movie,” said Woody, “when K said to J that he was trying a replacement, not a partner. And since you wasted your time coming here, you did do a damn good job leading our friends here. So I’d say you’d fit the bill.” He turned around, not facing Andy’s Buzz or his friends.
   “Let’s beat it, everyone,” said Andy’s Buzz.
   The toys asked about Woody.
   “Didn’t you hear?” snapped Andy’s Buzz. “He said he’s not coming with us!”
   They all made their way to the air vent. Andy’s Buzz turned around to see Woody, who in return looked at him.
   “If you are taking this Men in Black joke seriously,” said Woody, “why don’t you flash me with the MIB neuralyzer? And not the toy one.”
   Andy’s Buzz got out a MIB neuralyzer, put his MIB glasses on and aimed it at Woody. Then he turned it off and took off his MIB glasses off. “No, at least you’ll remember us and the good times while you’re watching kids behind glasses all your life and never being loved again or raping any more dolls. Some life!”
   With that, Andy’s Buzz turned around, went into the air vent and angrily slammed the grid behind him.

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