How Does It Feel?

Poem about my biological father, who left me when I was little.

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1. How Does It Feel?

Father

Can I ask you something

Or maybe a couple things

Why don’t you want me

Was it me

Was it you

Was it the drugs that made you leave

Did the alcohol posses  you to leave your baby

Because

Dad I needed you

I needed you like the night sky

Needs the moon

I needed you to kiss my wounds

But you weren't there

You left

Before I even knew

How to know what was going on

Before I knew

How to ask you how to stay

Well now here I am

I’m asking you to stay

Please

Just stay for a while

For me at least

I know how to ask now

Even though

It’s twelve years

Too late

Without even a phone call

Without a trace

I don’t even know

Where you are

And dad

Do you even think about me

Because I think about you

Every

         Single

                Day

I wonder why

I look so much like you

I wonder why I’m the spitting image

Of the person who brought

The most pain to me

Did you ever even love me

Did you want me at all

Was I some big surprise you weren’t

Ready for

Because I need you here dad

Or maybe I don’t

Like I said

It’s been twelve years now

I’m almost fifteen

Next year I’ll be driving

But you don’t care

You don’t care about that

Do you

I just wanna see you

One last time

And

Dad do you think I

Deserved that

To be abandoned

By the man who was supposed to teach me

What a man is supposed to be

I wonder

If it would be different

If you were here and he wasn't

I wonder if I would be okay

Maybe a little bit

Because dad

You were supposed to make me strong

As tough as you

But you didn’t

So now

I break so easily

I’m brittle

All I ever expect

Is to be let down

To be left

Because of you

So guess what

It’s your turn

To get left

Instead of leaving

I’m leaving

ALL

Thoughts of you in the past

If you were here

I’d ask you how it feels

How it feels to get left

All alone

So dad

Lemme ask you something

How does it feel

Now that I’m gone

Goodbye

Forever

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