I wish I had never woken up with amnesia (Michael Clifford)

Some people wish to wake up with amnesia so they can forget about how much they are hurting.

All I wish is that I could have remembered .... Remembered that he had hurt me. That way I would never have fallen in love with him again

To know him, is to love him. But I never knew that Michael was the person who could love me and break me into thousand pieces at the same time

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31. 28

I haven't slept in four days, I need sleep but every time I try and close my eyes I just keep seeing Michael and Sophie and they are haunting my thoughts and dreams. Its six pm and I am in bed sitting up with my head leaning against the wall. I stare into space. This is loneliness, this is sadness, there is a huge hole in my life and I know its the absence of Michael. He hasn't tried to call me and I wont call him. I cant. In my mind I keep replaying Sunday night over and over again. I hold my hands over my ears and gently rock myself, closing my eyes 

"stop, stop, stop" I whisper but its no use 

Maddison opens the door and when she sees me she quickly walks over and pulls me into a hug 

"sweetie this has to stop, you need to rest. When was the time you slept?"

I stop rocking myself and take a deep breath. I don't even wipe the tears away anymore, there's no use when they are so easily replaced by fresh ones 

"The last time I slept was on Saturday, then I woke up Sunday morning in a hotel room with Michael. That's the last time I slept properly"

"Chloe I am so worried about you, tell me what I can do? What can I do to make this better?"

I know the answer, there's only one thing I want 

"Make this stop, make this pain stop. Why did he break my heart? I just want him here. I want him so much it hurts" I hold my head in my hands and weakly cry. I feel too weak to do anything. My body has been running on diet coke and pain killers for my headache but I haven't even ate apart from an apple and yogurt yesterday. I cant do anything, I don't want to do anything 

"Chloe, let me call him. Maybe you two can talk and just try and find some peace. Chloe I'm so scared I don't know what to do" She look so upset and I don't want to worry her 

I lie down and pull the duvet over me 

"Please don't call him, I am going to be OK. I am going to try and close my eyes now" I sound so childlike, so vulnerable. I wish I could call my mom so she could console me and tell me how everything is going to be OK but she hasn't even tried to call me. I haven't heard off her 

"Ashton and I are downstairs. If you need anything just shout me OK" she pushes my hair off my face and kisses my forehead but I don't respond. I'm not really aware of anything. I don't have time to to think of anything else, Not when he is the only thing I can think of.

 

I don't sleep instead I stare at the wall, Not really focusing on anything, not really thinking anymore. My body just wont shut down, I cant turn this pain off. My bedroom door knocks. I'm aware someone walks in 

"Look at this pizza, My mouth is watering. Get up I'm here to watch a movie"

I turn over and Luke looks shocked when he sees me but he quickly composes himself

"Luke you don't have to do this -"

He puts his hand up to stop me from saying anything else 

"I'm not doing anything, I'm here to watch a movie with my friend and eat pizza. its no big deal" He smiles and I move over so he can sit next to me. He puts the pizza box on my lap and goes to put a dvd on

"Nothing about romance, Please" I say panicked 

"There is nothing romantic about the grudge" He grins and I breathe a sigh of relief. Whilst he sets up the television I tie my hair into a ponytail and readjust my clothing. I'm wearing leggings, a vest top and Michael's checked shirt that was hanging up in the wardrobe. I look like a pathetic mess I know I do. I move over as Luke takes off his converse and gets into bed next to me. Luckily I have a double bed so we aren't squashed 

"Chloe I've been at band practice all day and if you don't eat some of that then I swear I will eat it all" He nudges me and I slowly open the box. The pizza looks delicious and my mouth waters but strangely I don't feel hungry 

"I mean it, you need to eat" he encourages and my hand hovers by the box 

"How is he?" I whisper 

Luke sighs and leans his head against the headboard 

"Do you really want to know?" He looks at me and I nod my head

"Hes not good, hes gone to stay with his mom and dad for a few days. He hasn't been to practice, Hes pretty messed up at that moment"
 

This doesn't bring me any satisfaction. I would rather he was happy and getting on with his life so that way I could just hate him. Hearing he is hurting just makes my pain worse. How does that work? I decide to not press Luke any further. It isn't fair on him 

I take a slice of pizza and slowly eat it. It tastes as good as it looks 

"Luke why are you here? and I don't mean that in a rude way I just don't want you feeling put out. I know I'm a mess but I don't want you feeling conflicted .Michael's your best friend" I trail off, even saying his name hurts

"You're my friend too and I wanted to have a movie night with you. Whats wrong with that" He grins and I smile at him

"Thank you"

"Nothing to thank me for Chloe"

I eat another two slices of pizza but then push the box away. I feel full. Suddenly I feel tired, really really tired. Luke puts his arm around me and I rest my head on his chest. Its nice to feel protected by someone, to have someone hold me. My eyes feel heavy and that's the last thing I remember 

 

I wake up and stretch, That sleep was needed. I still feel tired but no where near as exhausted. Luke's gone and I check my phone to see what time it is. I have a message from him

*Sorry I had to go without saying goodbye but I didn't want to wake you. I'll phone you later. Thank you for last night  I enjoyed it. L*

 

I smile. Hes a good friend and last night I needed him and he was there without me even asking. I walk downstairs and Maddison gives me the biggest smile ever when I see her 

"Maddison you look like psychotic" honestly she does, I think her smile is going to split her face in half 

"I'm sorry but look at you, you're out of bed. Its a miracle" she mocks then laughs and I find myself smiling at her 

"what are your plans for today?" I ask whilst making some toast 

"I'm doing wedding make up at one o'clock. The bride is being a right moody cow. Three times I've practiced her make up this week and each time it wasn't right. She tried to imply it was the foundation and make up brushes I was using, I nearly told her it was her face that was wrong" she scoffs 

"You are such a bitch" I grin 

"Damn right I am. What are your plans for today?" she asks whilst sorting through a mountain of make up 

"I'm going to see Sophie and then I intend on looking for a job"

She drops a make up brush and looks at me like I'm an alien 

"You are what? Are you crazy? why would you do that?"

I pour a glass of water and lean against the sink 

"because I need closure. I don't need to know the details I know more than enough but I need to know why she did it. Then everything will be out in the open and we can all try and forget"

Maddison nods her head

"You're a better person than I am. If it was me that this had happened to he would be swinging by his balls somewhere and she would begging for mercy" she says with the angriest look on her face and I burst out laughing, and I mean literally laugh that much it hurts

"What?" She pouts 

"since when did you become the godfather of Australia?" I wipe my tears away but this time these are happy tears not heartbroken ones 

"I love animals too much to put a horses head in her bed but maybe I could put a snake, Or a spider?" she winks and I go over to hug her 

"Whats that for?" she asks embarrassed

"I just love you, Thank you for making me smile" I feel her relax and she holds me tightly 

"I love you too Chloe"

I leave Maddison to get ready for work and I go and get ready to face Sophie. I can do this, I need to do this  

 

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