I wish I had never woken up with amnesia (Michael Clifford)

Some people wish to wake up with amnesia so they can forget about how much they are hurting.

All I wish is that I could have remembered .... Remembered that he had hurt me. That way I would never have fallen in love with him again

To know him, is to love him. But I never knew that Michael was the person who could love me and break me into thousand pieces at the same time

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12. 11

I feel my body next to his and it feels in an odd way like I'm home, that I'm meant to here with him. His hands run softly down my back then pull me in closer and I bury my head in his chest. I can feel his heart beating fast and I know mine feels the same. He pulls away and lifts my chin delicately with his fingers. He then touches my hair where the stitches are and I feel his lips kissing the sore spot

"I'm sorry" he whispers

I shake my head

"Please don't say sorry again, it's done now but I need to know more"

He holds my hands as I sit back on the bed

"Ask away"

"how did we meet?"

He smiles and I know this is easier for him to talk about and I need to know this part the most. The end is painful to think about, surely the beginning was much happier

"You was dating a guy called Adam, do you remember that bit?"

I nod eagerly wanting to get back to the part about me and him

"Anyway you came to see us play, there was only about forty other people there but I saw you and I knew I wanted you. You was standing there all bewildered and uninterested and I liked that. Your boyfriend was a right dick. He really did think he was better then everyone else but you didn't care. I liked the fact you was your own person. I spoke to you after the gig, we went to Ashton's house party for a drink because Adam went off with his friends from the football team and you was going to get a cab home but I convinced you to come. I needed to get to know you, I wanted to get to know you. Anyway after that night, that was that. I couldn't keep away from you. It was always me and you from then on. You broke up with Adam, you gave him up for me and I didn't think you would, I didn't think -" he stops talking and I lean forward wanting to know more

"What? What didn't you think Michael?"

He shakes his head and smiles

"You were so different to the girls I would usually go for, the other girls liked me because I was in a band and that was ok I guess. I knew where I stood, but with you it was different. You challenged me, you made me want to be better than just some idiot who bedded girls. You didn't just give into me, I got to know you but most of all you got to know me, the real me. I never thought you would leave him. We kissed a few times but you wouldn't commit, you was scared I would hurt you. And you was right" he let's out a sigh and grabs himself a beer and hands me one

"So we kissed before I left Adam? Jeez I'm a hypocrite aren't I?"

I feel disappointed in myself, Adam was a good person, he didn't deserve that. I'm no better than Michael

"Don't think that Chloe"

I look at him, he knows me that well that he knows what I'm thinking

"Me and you was nothing like what I did. We really was in love, we was" he reassures me but all I can do is nod because I'm not convinced. I didn't think I was that type of person. I blush as something else comes to mind

"What is it?" He asks as I shift uncomfortably on the bed

"So we were together for nearly two years?"

"Yes"

"So did we, I mean I assume we, but was it you? -" oh gosh this is humiliating and I can't even string a sentence together

"Chloe what is it? You can ask me anything"

I take a deep breath, here goes

"Did I lose my virginity to you?"

It's got to be the beer that's making me feel this brave as I would never be so bold to ask this question but I need to know. Or maybe it was Adam?

He bites his lip

"Yes you did" he answers kindly and suddenly the room feels about forty degrees warmer

"Oh. Was it romantic? I mean it wasn't rushed was it?"

He grins and stands up to change the CD

"I tried to make it romantic, I know how much you love those rom com movies. It wasn't straight away, in fact we waited about three months and it felt right that we took it to the next stage. My parents had gone away and I had the house to myself for the weekend. It wasn't planned, you came over and it happened. I'm glad I was your first"

My eyes widen and I literally drink my beer in one. I'm nineteen I should be able to have a mature conversation about my sex life but this is too humiliating. He can tell I'm embarrassed so thankfully he changes the subject

"That guitar in your bedroom, I gave it to you, it's yours I don't need that back. I taught you how to play. Ashton mentioned it but I want you to keep it"

"I played the guitar? I can barely play triangle" I laugh but he hands me one of the many guitars lined up against the bedroom wall

"Well I will have to teach you again. I taught you before and you was good at it. Really good"

I look up at him and my stomach flips over, I feel like he doesn't mean just teaching me about the guitar. In my head I'm still a virgin, I don't know what it's like to be touched by him but right now I wish I knew

We spend the rest of the afternoon drinking and he tries to teach me although I'm not very good at all. I just end up strumming my own tune that sounds terrible but he encourages me and guides my fingers over the chords. We drink way too much beer and talk some more about us. How we had a favourite spot on the beach that we would go to, it was secluded from anyone else and we would spend most weekends there. Just me and him. He told me how he was there for me when my uncle passed away and how we spent that weekend just locked away in his room at his parents house watching movies. We locked the world out and it was just me and him. By the time I look at my watch it's nine pm

"I should go. I've probably over stayed my welcome" I stand up but hold onto the bed as the room spins a little. He stands behind me and I feel his hands on my waist

"Can't you stay?"

I turn around to face him, taken off guard by his question

"There's more I could tell you. Much more, and there's more I could show you"

I bite the inside of my cheek, show me?

"I don't meant that Chloe, unless you wanted me to?" He has that teasing look again and I roll my eyes, Trying to act more calm then I feel

"I don't know, isn't this too soon? And like I said I can't just feel the way I used to. Things have changed. I've changed" I try and argue but what's the use? I'm not leaving and he knows I'm not

"I'm not asking you to love me Chloe. I'm asking you to stay because I know if your memories come back I won't get this chance again"

He pushes a strand of hair off my face and I sit back on the bed taking my blazer off. I'm staying here because there is so much more I want to know. He sits next to me and takes out his phone. He goes to the videos and there they are, video after video of me and him. He hands me the phone and I scroll through and select one. We are in this bedroom and I'm lying on this bed on my back in one of his Metallica T shirts, he's lying next to me propped up on his elbow. I watch the video and I watch how we was together

"Chloe Goldman tell the world how much you love me" he says into the camera and I watch myself scrunch my nose up

"Hmmm I love you a little" I grin

His hair is pink in this video, I like it. He shakes his head at the camera

"No be serious, how much do you love me?"

He looks down at me and I brush his hair off his forehead

"I love you to the moon and back and between every star"

I watch him kiss the end of my nose and I give the camera a thumbs up whilst giggling as the phone drops and the video ends. I hold onto the phone and go cold. Seeing a picture is one thing. To see how we was is something completely different. I hand it back to him not able to look at any more, for some reason it feels painful to watch and I can't do it. His hand touches mine and I drop the phone. That chemistry I thought was only real in films is happening. I know deep down I loved him. He leans forward and before I can think clearly I also move forward. His lips softly incase mine but they don't move, it's like he wants permission for this to happen and there's a part of me that doesn't want this to stop

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