Dear Joe

Hello Joe,
I'm writing to you again. At least that's what my therapist told me to do. He said, "Talk to the person you are having negative feelings towards." He meant write it down in a stupid journal. My parents told me I had to, but I don't want to. So here I am, writing, but for what? You won't know what the hell I'm feeling or saying to you. You were my best friend. Where are you now?


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5. Walking Away


     Maxine's POV

    I walked through the dirt over to my shiny car. Vodka in my left hand, my keys in my right. I told myself I wouldn't do this again, but I can't help myself. I just want to drown the memories of us out of my head. I think I might be spiraling out of control again. If I do, I'm sorry to those I hurt. I sat down in the drivers side of my car. I put the vodka down in my lap, I looked down at the glistening bottle. I traced my fingertips over the label, I liked the way it feels pressing against my skin. I started to pick at the plastic around the top of the bottle. I tore it off and let it fall to the floor by my feet. With force I twisted the top off of the vodka, the bitter smell of the alcohol filling the air. I took in the smell and smiled, then quickly faded when Joe came into my head again. I brought the rim up to my lips and let it skim my bottom lip. My mouth already started yearning for a taste. Tipping it forward a little bit more a tiny drop splattered onto my taste buds. That was all it took, the next thing I saw was the liquid halfway down to the bottom. 

    I looked out my window and watched the clouds cover the sun, making everything dark around me. That's exactly how I feel right now. I'm just waiting for the alcohol to cloud myself like the sun. I turned my keys in the ignition and backed out of the parking lot. The familiar feeling starting to consume my body again. A smile creeped onto my face as I kept driving towards my school.

    I stepped into the school doors, damn I've managed to make it on time. I walked into my first period class, math, with the teacher I hated most. "Today we are doing a worksheet. By we I mean you, ha ha ha..funny right?" My peers remained quite. No not funny Mr. Tepper. He handed me a worksheet and I took it. Quadratics? At least give me a challenge jeez. In about ten minutes I finished my paper. Next was a class I was actually looking forward to going to, English. Since I love to write poetry and have a good hand in writing I'm the top student in there. The bell rings in my ears and I jump up to leave. English could technically be my last class then I could leave since I'm a senior. 

    I opened the door to Mr. Geller's room, my English teacher. He's nice and he's about in his twenties, I know he's at least twenty-three. I never talk in this class because I have no reason to, and I do all my work. He respects me as a student and I will miss him, he's the only teacher that has ever remembered my name. I sat down at my desk near the front of the room.  It's nice and quiet until all of the rowdy kids walk in, god you would think they could be quiet, actually I don't. "Quiet down, quiet down. Kevin, really? Can't you just come in and sit down like everyone else? Fernando that pencil belongs on the table not in your crotch come on!" He rambled on to every student until they were silent. Finally, fuck. "I have a surprise for you guys today. You will get to write an essay, topic of your choice, but it must be true. True as in it has happened to you, or it could. It's due at the end of class and will be worth one hundred points. I would get started." He turned and sat back down at his desk. What a fitting topic for me, I know all about real life events. 

     Once I finished my test I walked up to his desk and placed it in the folder sitting in front of him. "Done already? Why am I not surprised." I flush, he always gives me compliments that make me feel a bit better. "I stick to doing my work, it's not hard to get done fast." His smile faded after I finished talking. Okay..I guess I'll sit down. I sat back down at my seat and stared at the floor. I started reminiscing old times, I didn't want to, but they all came flooding back.

                                           -Trigger Warning-         __*__    July 23, 2013

     Screaming filled the air of my home. Mom and dad are fighting again, they've been fighting so much lately it's made my head spin. I turned and looked at the clock hanging on my wall. It read nine o'clock, it was light outside. I reached into my pocket to check if it was there, yes it was. I threw on my shoes and went down to the park, almost running to the lake surrounded by trees. No one ever went down there because people were afraid of wildlife. Why be afraid? It's beautiful. I reached my favorite spot under the willow tree right at the edge of the lake. I sat down, the soft grass picking at my skin. I put my left hand into my pocket and took it out, why can't my parents just get along? Do they always have to throw things around the kitchen? Apparently so. I'm so angry at them for doing this, all over stupid little things. 

     I put the cold metal in between my fingers. I grasped it in my hand and sliced it against my wrist..then against my arm..again..and again..over and over. Blood running down my arm and onto the perfectly green grass staining it red. I'm bleeding too much I cut too deep. He even warned me about what could happen, but I didn't listen to him and kept breaking his heart. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, it was him. I hesitated, but picked up, "Hi Max." He sounded so cheerful and upbeat. "I'm at the park hurry." I said in a panicked voice and hung up. I don't want to die, I just want to be okay. I start to hear faint footsteps running my way. They get louder and louder. Fuck, what am I doing. "Maxine!" I feel him close to behind me, his heat radiating onto my back. I stood up still facing the lake, this is it. Things start to disappear, I feel like I'm fading away. I drop to the floor, the ground colder than it was a few seconds ago. I see his face appear above me, worried and upset. Tears start to run down his face, he sits down and whispers in my ear."Don't end my world Max. Stay with me." He picks me up and runs to his truck, he puts me in the passenger seat and jumps into the drivers side. Taking hold of the wheel he speeds off towards the hospital. I just don't know if I can make it. 

                                                                                         __*__    

    Ring! The bell goes off and brings me back to right now. I place my hand on my right arm and feel the scars bulging off my skin. I put my hand on the doorknob and turn it and then I hear a familiar voice. "Hey Max can I talk to you a second?" Oh it was just my teacher. "Yeah sure. What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? I don't understand."

"Sit down please." 

"Okay." I obey and sit down at the little wooden chair in front of his table. 

"I don't know you at all and I have no right to, but I noticed the marks on your arm. I also smelled the alcohol in your breath when you spoke to me. Are you okay? You're a very well written girl, you're a great student. Can you tell me what's wrong?" Oh shit.

"The marks on my arm are a mistake, that I hope never to make again. I'm guessing you're smelling the alcohol in my breath because I drank some before I got here. My life up to this point has not been easy, and I wanted to drown my memories of people I want to forget. I thought alcohol was the best remedy. I'm sorry to cause you worry." He sat and stared at me. "I can only imagine what you've been through. Your work is always full of pain, like your eyes show me everyday. Only a person who has gone through a lot could write so much heartbreak down on paper. I do have to say I admire your work. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. Here's my support group number. Text it anytime you need, I'm here for my students." Does he actually care about me or does he have to do this? "Thank you, Mr. Geller." I smiled as I got up to head toward the door. "Please call me Frank." What  an unusual name for a teacher. "Okay." Grinning I turned around and actually pulled the doorknob,opened the door and walked out into the hallway on my way to my car.

 

 

 

 

 

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