Silently Spoken

I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn. - Anne Frank

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8. Thursday May 14 2015

 

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.

Well, I'm back.

To tell you the truth, I haven’t written in an entry in a while because I’ve been feeling a little down. I’m not even busy; I just don’t feel like myself. I’ve found that these happen a lot. I call them blank spots. I just go into robot mode and do what I have to do, but carry this empty feeling in my stomach throughout. I try and get myself out of this blank spot, but no matter what I do, nothing works. After reading a couple of comments on Movellas, I realised that I owed it to myself and my readers to continue. After all, what’s the worst that can happen, right?

The last few days were pretty much spaced out. I didn’t have much to do at college, so I kind of just sat there listening to music, gazing out of the window. At college, I’m usually situated on the fourth floor (there are eight all together). Also since my college is in the centre of town, the view is quite spectacular. I can see different buildings from different parts of town and all the traffic coming in and out. Back to the point, I’ve pretty much done all of my work apart from the evaluations for my FMP. However, there is still the task of bringing myself to do the evaluation. I’ve done most of the planning for it, but I just can’t seem to sit and do the actual thing. Talk about lack of motivation

It’s at times like this where I would really like someone my own age in the family. I’ve said it time and time again and I will continue to do so, in hopes of my wish coming true. But that’s really unlikely. I just want someone that I can talk to in depth and just someone to be my backbone and just someone to be a part of my life that holds great importance to me. I have my sisters, but it’s not quite the same. They are quite young and don’t understand many of things that I want to talk about. It annoys me. My parents say get closer to my sisters, I just can’t so it without feeling the weight of responsibility pressing on my shoulders. Sometimes I really hate being the oldest. I know that it has its benefits, but lately I'm finding all of its flaws and they seem to weight much more.

Talking of weight, I did okay for the first couple of days in recording everything and eating healthy. However, as soon as I hit this blank spot, I found it all tumbling back the way it was. I haven’t really weighed myself since four days ago. In all honestly, I'm quite terrified of stepping back up on those scales. I’m on the verge of tears just thinking about it. I know, I know. I have put on a load of weight and I know it really hard trying to take it off. I just don’t know how I'm going to do it. I have this sudden burst of motivation, but it goes as quick as it comes. I want to have a flat stomach and firm thighs. I just want to feel beautiful for once, is that too much to ask for?

Aside from my weight issue, my driving hasn’t really been going too well either. I feel like my instructor isn’t giving me much independence when it comes down to it. She would continue to reach out and grab my wheel and then she would take control of the clutch for me. I’m just there screaming in my head ‘let me do it myself!’, but does she get the hint? The answer to that would be no. I have about three lessons left wither and then I’ve decided to switch to a different driving company. I need a new teaching style, because the one that I have now is not working. Plus, instead of being motivated to learn, my instructor is demotivating me. I want to pass with flying colours behind the wheel; I just hope I will able to do it within the next six months

In fact, I had a driving lesson today. My instructor decided to keep me local so that I can practice on my turns, clutch control and position. It was one of the better lessons, I have to say. However, I was still uncomfortable. My foot got a cramp today as I was covering the break and clutch. I would have nearly crashed into the curb if I didn’t turn the wheel really quickly. I should have been scared, but I weirdly enough, I wasn’t. I mean, in that fraction of a second I knew what I had to do to stop myself going into the curb on a sharp turn. Plus, it wasn’t entirely my fault. There was a flipping truck parked stupidly as soon as I turned and I had to make drastic movements with the wheel.

*Breathes*

I'm sitting in my room, re-calling all of this. My room is a bit of a mess at the moment. It always is when I’m ending a brief. I’ve got boxes of paper everywhere; my sketchbooks are dotted all around the room. My sofa is packed with shopping bags with stuff in that I haven’t even put away yet. My window sill is scattered with jewellery and make-up and both of my desks are filled with different writing materials and other stuff. The only stuff that is clean is my white board and even then the white board pens are on the floor… hanging on. Correction, they are in the scrap paper box.

I just need a big space. I'm waiting to swap rooms with Vivien, because she doesn’t sleep in that room anymore and it’s bigger. I'm hoping to paint it in the half term holidays, set it all up with shelves and stuff. Oh speaking of shelves. My bookshelf is packed to the edges. I need another one. It’s come to the point where all my other books are just in a box in the middle of my room and it makes me sad. I feel like the books are being neglected. Soon, my little books, soon. Anyway, as I was saying, once that room is all done up by yours truly, I shall move and hopefully I will be able to feel much happier and work much better. A graphic designer needs her space, even if she is just a student yet.

I was thinking of putting my previous edited videos up on YouTube. I have a channel, but whenever I try, it always says that it’s going to take nine hours to upload. Nine blooming hours! Aint nobody got time for that. I mean I will end up doing it eventually, when I haven’t got some important stuff to be doing, but even then, I'm going to need some patience. I’ve been running out of patience recently.

Raven. She tests my last nerve. Everything that she does annoys me, but the number one thing that she does that annoys me and answering me back. Take today for example. I told her to wash the dishes and she sat there in the living room with her slippers on the couch (another thing I hate), and she gives me a flat look before opening her blabbering mouth. She starts arguing with me, telling me that she knows everything and blah blah blah. Bearing in mind while this was happening, mum was sleeping in the living room; she hasn’t been too well recently. Mum work up in a panic and Raven still didn’t give a shit. Honestly I felt like smacking her on the face. I’ve done all the dishes every single day for the past week (all by myself, may I add) and all she does is sit on her ass. I mean she even hates taking showers! I have never met anyone as lazy as her.

I can feel my blood boiling inside me. So I decided that I'm not going to communicate with Raven in any way shape or form. I'm going to ignore her and pretend like she isn’t even there. Hopefully she will realise what she did wrong. But then again, knowing Raven… she may not even realise at all. I just want to move out already, but I know I ain’t moving out till I get married (#LifeOfAnIndianGirl).

*Sigh*

Well, I better be heading to bed. I'm knackered from doing most of the house work and even though I didn’t have college today, I still have to get some sleep. Tomorrow is my dad birthday and I’ve got to prepare a lot of stuff. I hope that this empty feeling goes soon. I'm hoping that ignoring Raven helps too, because oh my life this girl stresses me out, increasing my blank spot.

The best way to see what tomorrow brings is to sleep through the night.

- J.K. Panesar

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