The Side No One Sees

Welcome to crazy, slightly sociopathic mind of Roberta Gratzioli, sixteen-year-old British female. I am now going to pour out my soul into this diary. It feels weird to be doing this. It is like I am letting go of everything that has been pulling me down and making me feel like I am worthless. You guys are now like a therapist who I can talk to and maybe you will comment on what you think I should do. I have decided that this will be themed so each chapter will be fandomised one way or another (I'm gonna find ya. I'm gonna getcha' getcha'. Okay just me singing all by myself.)

Read away and I will kidnap you and drag you down to my wine cellar and then possess you. Ha ha no.

Read away and this is my entry for the Diary Competition.

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1. 5th May 2015

I think I am falling into depression. It is like being in a bottomless pit. I can see the bottom, I can see the exit. I am in the middle. I try and climb out, but I fall back and the exit and the bottom slip further away from me. It is like there a dark cloud above me sucking away every piece of joy, hope and love I happen to come across. Crying and praying and asking for help has done very little. Is crying still acceptable at the age of sixteen? I guess not because I have to be stronger than my friends so I can be the shoulder to cry on. There is an ache that whatever I do cannot leave me. Is it because I feel that no one loves me? Or is it because I feel that I can't tell anyone what I feel. My mother just scoffs at me when I try and talk to her about anything? Is it because I am just another soulless ginger? Why am I like this?

Felicity and her boyfriend come home tomorrow. I don't like him. He is FRENCH. I don't have anything against French people as I met some lovely ones when I was on tour in France, my French teacher is adorable. I just can't like him as much as I think I should. I am not happy for my sister as she is horrible to me and tells lies about me all the time. She has got my whole family hooked on Downtown Abby and I can't stand it. I tried to be nice and comment about her and yet I don't get anything back. I have given so much and all everyone has done is just greedily take all I have given. Does that make me sound whiney and mean? Take, take, take. Shall I just stop giving and end it all? I think that no one would miss me. All my friends seem to be along for the ride. I just talk to myself for hours and yet they laugh at some things that I say. Is it just a joke?

I am also really worried about Cecily. She seems quieter and more drawn than I remember. Maybe we are going through the same thing but she doesn't want to say anything in case she feels judged. I just want someone to talk to and yet everyone I have ever made friends with have turned their backs on me. Zoey and I had been friends since forever and two years ago she left me for the more popular girls. I guess that people grow out of friendships but to leave me in one of the hardest times of my life was hard. I needed friends back then and I guess I still do. I don't like being dependant on people even though that they are meant to be the key to our future

Zofia and Hazel loved their birthday presents, but I still feel that they only said that so that I felt good about myself. I am eternally grateful for their droplets of praise that they showered me with, but I feel that they were half-hearted and they feel slightly gutted that I made the presents and didn't buy them.

I feel that no one loves me. Did that start when Mitzi died? Or when Zoey left me? Or when I decided that I was worthless? Or maybe when I passed my flute exam with 104/150 and my mother started ripping into me for being worthless and doing better on the oboe. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this life.

ONTO A HAPPIER NOTE.
 The new Avengers is beyond amazing. Who cares what Felicity says. She always likes to take a leak on my rainbows and consequently destroying the refraction of light that makes me happy. The ABC Shadow Hunters comes out in May 2016 and I cannot wait! I am sooo annoyed that Jamie is not going to be Jace anymore as he was my perfect Jace and Zofia agrees with me. I have to admit I was screaming AND crying when Barry kissed Iris in the Flash because they are my OTP but then he went back in time and I just couldn't take it and almost threw one of Goonie's puppies across the room. *Hides from people with pitchforks* I know I am a horrible person, but I have been making jokes about skinning people on DofE all weekend. :) #notapsycho. I am a sociopath.

The best bit of today, apart from running around school to find Cecily and Vesper, was that someone pushed the fire bell or an idiot burnt something in science block. As a result we all filed out onto the field by the tennis courts and were told not to discuss the test. Consequently if you put a bunch of cold teenagers out on a field in the middle of a test they are bound to discuss it. Inevitably I gained six marks in the test due to Vesper being a Biology whizz.

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