Flash diary comp: a year in the making

Apart of the competition for the year long diary. I am a normal teenager with a life different from all the others, read what it's all about.

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3. May 7, 2015 11:30pm

R (my friend) was sick today so I ate lunch alone. It was fine because I got a good amount of work done without pretending to be interested in whatever she's saying. Sometimes I feel like a shit friend because I hair don't have this want to always talk with her, she just seems immature. There are just a lot of things she doesn't understand and hasn't shaped herself, I get everyone grows at their own pace but I'm basically a sixty year old in the body of a fourteen year old. I've gone through a lot though and that's contributed, I was forced to grow up faster to handle everything I had to and to act appropriate and adult level situations. It's so hard to commit myself to this friendship but I made the mistake of already confiding in her and telling her about the self harm and suicide and even about how I hate(d) my dad and that I wanted my parents divorce. Obviously majority of those feelings are subsided but those ideas and words are still left in her head and she now has a bias towards my father. I am the only one to blame but I wish I knew how she really really was when I confided. That say I was emotional and just let things pour out because they needed to be let go, only now is it that I reflect back and realize how stupid that was. She's knows too much I can't have anymore people waking around who know my business but I'm no longer friends with. I just don't know how long I can handle it. Her family is so nice and so is she but I feel like she's just not as hygienic and mature as I was hoping. I don't even know what to talk with her about. She's good to talk to about the negative things but I don't like to because I don't feel a connection to her like I should. She always wants to hang out and do stuff and I'm happy to do that but she wants in on my friendship with J and G. I know it's so wrong but I just don't feel like she should join our trio. J, G, and I are like the moon, sun, and stars (in that order we all decided). She just doesn't blend with us at all. Us three just do so great together as a trio and she would kind of be the outcast, it would be awkward with her making stupid comments. t's so wrong of me to say that but it's true and it's conflicting. I don't know what to do and how to handle this. I can't just tell someone to grow up because they aren't mature enough to be my friend. It's so hard sometimes and I feel like a bad person but I can't help my feelings. I have fought them for quite sometime but I need a break.

-N

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