Flash diary comp: a year in the making

Apart of the competition for the year long diary. I am a normal teenager with a life different from all the others, read what it's all about.

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7. May 13, 2015 11:15pm

TODAY WAS CRAPPY! I could not decide what to wear so I threw on jeans and a tee. I was so clueless but told everyone I woke up five minutes before my bus came as an excuse. I forgot my sports bra so I couldn't do any running after school as planned with J (which I didn't want to go anyway). Anyway, HE DIDN'T TALK TO ME! We never get a chance to talk and I get so annoyed! We have two classes together and we barely talk and it bothers me. All we do is make eyes at each other. There is this obvious tension that I can feel between us where we both have something to say but neither of us have the guts or will. We are both too shy and nervous. I got a high five from him? I had to initiate it though -.- it's just so frustrating because I had this whole idea where I would have a conversation and then hug him before leaving but no we walked by each other and I got a high five! This is so agonizing, why is everything much more difficult now that I acknowledge these feelings. Before then I wasn't worried about how many times a day I talked to him because I didn't allow these feelings to cloud my mind. I feel as though there is this subtle mist surrounding my brain that forces me to always over think his every move and my every move and word and thought. Why do these feelings do this to me, why can't I just acknowledge these feelings and go about my day? Instead I sit here in my bed wondering what I'm going to wear tomorrow and how fast I can run up three flights of stairs just so I can talk to him before class. My focus is so shifted because this is the typical season where people pair off and go be wild and spontaneous and I want that yet at the same time I feel like I'm too young. Well actually I don't feel I'm too young because I know my own boundaries and have very self respected and high standards for myself when it comes to relationships. The only people so think I'm too young are my parents and probably most of my family. I have my friends and I love them but there is something else when it comes to a boyfriend that adds to your life. There is this extra sparkle and light within you that just grows every time you kiss or have long and warm embraces. I once felt what it was to have someone else lips upon my own and there are no words to describe it, it's truly unimaginable either. The boy who stole my first kiss meant nothing to me and I want a do over and the chance to feel thins feeling again with someone more worth it and to me this guy is the one.

-N

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