A Goodbye

You haven’t been looking the best lately. And I know you like honesty, so to be honest you look like hell. Well, really you look like you were in a car crash which I know you were, so of course you’d look like crap.

Really, you just look like you’re dying.

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1. A Goodbye

You haven’t been looking the best lately. And I know you like honesty, so to be honest you look like hell. Well, really you look like you were in a car crash which I know you were, so of course you’d look like crap.

Really, you just look like you’re dying.  And it might be the tubes and all this other stuff you’ve been hooked up to. Or maybe it’s because the doctors told me you were but still, it doesn’t look like you’re gonna be around here for much longer. And I don’t think anyone is dealing with it all too well. So I’ll be frank, because it’s not like anyone else is. I’m worried about you; I’m worried about you and mum and dad and life after you. And I don’t know a lot but shit, is it going to be hard to live without you.

So for once I’m happy with that whole coma thing you’ve got going on. Because I know you and I know how angry you’d get with me. You hate- sorry. Hated. I guess I’ll have to get used to that. You always hated when people worried about you. Especially Dad. Dad always worried about you. And I think he’s starting to worry about me too. Everyone is really and I’m starting to get why it bothered you so much. They’re trying to stop me seeing you. And I don’t know maybe I should. Or cut back at least. That’s what Dad says and I know you’d probably agree with him.

He doesn’t come as much anymore. I think he’s finding it hard, seeing you all wired up. Because when he does come to see you he never says anything just… sort of stares. Like he can’t believe any of this is really happening. I’m not sure I can either. He tried talking to you last week, like I do, you know? But he just sort of lost it and started crying. Really hard. Which was weird. I’d never seen him cry before. Or yell and he did a lot of that. I’m not sure what it was he said exactly, it didn’t really sound like words. More of a yelp really as if he was in pain. That’s what Mum says, that he’s in pain; he’s hurting; he’s unstable… And drunk. A lot.

So she’s taken me away from him now. They had this whole big argument. The kind they had when we were little, remember? Before they got divorced. The ones with all the name-calling. She would call him a drunk and he would call her a whole lot of words you told me never to say. I didn’t like the fights and I didn’t like this one. Only your bed was empty this time. And you weren’t there to crawl in next to. Nope. You were dying instead. Which hey, isn’t your fault. You weren’t driving the car. You just stood in front of it. And I can’t really be mad at you for your own accident – Even though I am. We all are.

They still let me see Dad. I just don’t live with him anymore. I asked him about the hospital, what happened to him at the hospital. And he didn’t reply for ages. Just started crying again instead. He told me that he’d never had anyone die before. He’d never been to a funeral. ‘I just don’t want my first one to be hers’. That’s what he said. And I guess I never thought about it before. You having a funeral never even occurred to me. I think I just wanted you to be okay so much that I’ve tricked myself into believing it. We haven’t really talked since, he and I. He hasn’t been talking to anyone really. Dad likes to be alone now.

Everyone at school is acting like you were some saint. And it’s really starting to bother me because you weren’t that great. I mean, to me you were. You were my cool older sister and, as embarrassing as it is, I pretty much idolised you. But I know what you were like. You were mean and bitter and it’s really not surprising that you had no friends. They hated you. They hated you and you hated them. And now the balance is all skewed because they keep apologizing to me.

‘I’m sorry about your sister’.

‘I heard about your sister. I’m so sorry’

They keep saying all these stupid things, like they’re the ones who killed you. Like you were some sort of blessing in their lives that they were lucky to have. Which is just a lie. Like I said – You were horrible.

Anyway, I guess this is my goodbye. And I guess I should just come clean and tell you I love you. Which I don’t think I’ve ever done before now.

So have a nice after life. And in the meantime I’ll be here, wishing you were too. Put in a good word for me, would you?

I know you’re going now. And we don’t have much time left, but I’ll see you again, don’t worry about that. It just might take a while is all. So for now this is my goodbye. I’ll see you in a little while.

Sweet dreams.

Goodnight.

 

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