If Only

This story take's place with Hannah Gold. A sixteen year old Cancer Survivor. Her face stuck in books till one day, along come's a boy named Lucas Kramer. The boy of her dream. One day everything changes...


1. Hannah Gold


Hi I’m Hanna Gold. I’m a 16 year old Cancer Survivor & couldn't be happier. I was born and raised in Los Angeles. I moved into a new school because they had to transfer me into another hospital which was far from my old school .When I was fourteen years old I was diagnosed with bone cancer. It doesn't sound too serious but it’s just as bad as any other type of Cancer. I was a normal little girl who sat in a hospital bed for days and days, I didn't have much of a problem with it considering I didn't have much friends. All I needed was my family. One night before going to bed, I decided to write a note to my future self. I promised to open it when I was 16. I asked my mom to hide in in one of my boxes back at home and made sure it was secure.             

Dear Hanna,


This is your 6 year old self talking to you

I just wanted to let you know that everything is going to be alright

I mean, what could be better than having a mom feeding you every morning

Giving you the sweetest happiest kisses, being there every step of the way.

And a dad reading you stories at night,

While lifting you up in the air and giving you the biggest hugs.

I’m in the hospital right now and I wonder where I would be in 8 years…

So here’s a promise to myself, when I grow up I want to be the

Brightest, smartest, coolest girl ever. Can you promise I become that?


Your younger self.




I was basically a little girl living a strange life. I was a six year old girl weighting only 20 pounds because of my cancer. My life was tough back there but I made it through. Now I’m a healthy fifteen year old girl just like any other kind. I live my life to the fullest and have my mom and dad with me every step of the way.





She ran and ran and ran and- was the end of a book I was reading that Nicholas Sparks had written. I mean my favorite Author decides do write a book with that kind of ending. Like really, I bet it was just so they make you buy the sequel. I guess I’m going to have to buy it to find out what happens …

Hannah let me just remind you, books aren't a hobby alright! Let’s go out, we can go to the mall the movies! Come on lets go have fun!

If you’re wondering who that is, that’s my friend Kaylee. She’s the kind of girl who goes out .Allot. And when I say a lot I mean she spends most of her free time at the mall. I met Kaylee in the seventh grade. I’m not going to tell you the story because I wouldn't want to bore you to death. But basically she has been my friend since then, she always stood by me and my books! She’s the only one, other then my parents who know about my cancer.

Hannah you can’t just spend your whole life in your room reading sappy books all day! Uhm, actually I can! Ugh whatever, one day you will regret it. Any who , I better get going dinner’s soon Alright bye!

As I woke up for school the next morning I brushed my teeth packed my bag and got dressed. I wore an old pair of denim skinny jeans that I found in the back of my closet with a simple floral tee shirt. I put my shoes and went out the door.

-Bye mom, Bye dad! See you later!

- Wait, I just finished your pancakes!- Said my mom

- Sorry mom no time!

-Okay bye sweetie! Have a good day!


I walked to a coffee shop near my house. I’d be there every morning to meet Kaylee so we can walk to school together. The cashier worker was my cousin Emma. She’s 18 years old. She has been working here for a while as a part time job to save enough money for college. She’s the best cousin I could ever wish for. When I was in the hospital, she would always find some ways to make me smile and forget about the pain. This coffee shop was probably in business before I was alive. She’d give me a drink for free once and a while. I walked in to the store. It was quiet. Only a few people there anyways.

Hey Emma! Oh hey Hanna, how are you? I’m good just waiting for Kaylee. How’s business going? Believe or not, we've been bankrupt! Bankrupt? What do you mean! Well we've been losing customers day by day , It can’t just close- I said being interrupted by Kaylee

Hey Hannah! Ready to go? Said Kaylee

Oh hey! Emma we will talk later, I’ll come by after school Okay bye Hannah. -Said Emma


As I walked to school with Kaylee I told her how the coffee shop was going to close down. She was pretty upset herself. But she quickly changed the subjects by asking me how she looks…

Kaylee, you look good don’t worry!

Kaylee was wearing a cute floral maxi skirt, with a simple white crop –top. Her style of clothing was stunning but it would never work on me...

We arrived to school. Kaylee quickly ran to her boyfriend Zack and gave him a kiss on the cheek, as usual.

Zack Robbins had his way with girls. He was captain of the soccer team & had pretty good grades. He was known as the hot boy in our grade. The one thing that I didn't like about him was that he was a huge player. A player dating MY best friend. He’s been with tons of girls like, Alyssa, Sophia, Ana, Isabelle, Kathy, and the list goes on. I tried talking to Kaylee about it but she just doesn't seem to care.


-Oh hey Hannah didn't see you there. Said Zack

Wouldn't be the first time. I mumbled.

Sorry what was that? Oh nothing, well I better get to class, I’ll catch up with you guys later… Alright bye Hannah. They both said

They continued to kiss as I walked away... I ran to my locker to grab my books and headed to science lab. Science was a pretty interesting class. We do experiences and stuff so I find it pretty cool. I sat down alone in the back of the class. I kept wondering who would be the person to sit in the seat next to me, and would ask to be my lab partner. It’s usually some weird kid who always sticks his gum under the desk, which frankly is disgusting. My teacher walked in and the sound of the class slowly faded away.

-Hello everyone, open your books to chapter 11 and start reading page 233 to 236. Said Mr. Herrick

No-one said anything. All you could hear were the books getting laid on the desks and the sound of the papers. The principal walked in and introduced us to a new student. It was a boy. A hot boy. He had brown hair, big brown eyes, and was wearing khaki shorts with a plaid red and blue shirt. He seemed nice.

His name is Lucas. Make him feel welcome. You may continue your class Mr. Herrick. Alright Lucas you can take a seat back there with Hannah. Said Mr. Herrick

As Lucas walked towards me, I made space by removing my books.

Hey I’m Hanna. I said nervously Hey, I’m uh Lucas. He said with a smile on his face Must be hard to be in a new school...  Yea I guess, new people, new everything. Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it eventually... So what are your hobbies? Don’t make fun of me, but I like to read books… Oh my gosh, you’re kidding right? Uhm no? I read books too! People think I’m weird for thinking it’s a hobby! Oh really?! He laughed What books do you read? I said excited I’m into the sappy kind of books, so probably Nicholas Sparks! Omg really!!!!! Me too! Have you read the notebook? Or the walk to remember or-

He cut me off. I was surprised to meet him and I was actually so happy. Nobody has ever been into books like me, or even read Nicholas Sparks books. But he did, and it made my day. For the rest of the class we basically kept talking about each other and blah blah blah.


The bell rang. Before I walked out, he asked me if I wanted to hang out, I had no choice but to say no because I told Emma I would meet her at the shop.

Oh okay... Sorry, bye - Bye. He said


After School, I went back to the shop. Emma was off duty so we ordered a drink and sat down on the sofa and started talking.

So it’s really closing…. I said depressed. Sadly, but we can’t do much about it…. I wish we could. So how’s everything you know after- Yea I know after having cancer! I said in a irritated voice Oh I’m sorry Hannah I didn't mean to upset you... No it’s my fault sorry... No worries, so how’s school Hannah? Any boys?? She told me with a smirk on her face. Aha actually yea, there was this new boy today, we have so much in common and-

Emma and I talked for hours, but then I had to get home for dinner.

 I walked in the house, ran up the stairs, dropped my school bag, and got into some comfy clothes.

Hannah! Dinners ready! Come down! Screamed my mom.

I walked downstairs and helped my mom lay plates on the dinner table. My dad was working late tonight so it was just me and my mom. We sat down and started eating.

I told my mom about the boy, Lucas. She kept smiling and said she was proud of me.



It was Saturday. This means another day of reading my books. I ran down to the store to pick up the sequel of the book I was reading. And guess who I bumped into in the book section! It was Lucas! He was getting himself a new book too. We started talking and I had asked him if he wanted to go watch a movie by Nicholas Sparks that had just came out. He had no hesitation and said yes. That day was probably the only day I have gone out with a guy friend. I called my Mom and told her I would be out all day. She was surprised, because I usually just sit in bed on Saturdays. Lucas and I took the bus because walking was just too tiring.



That was such a good movie! Said Lucas in excitement. I know right! I mean how Nicholas even comes up with these ideas! I have no idea but he’s amazing!


We walked out of the movie theater and decided to go for a walk. I took him to the coffee shop. Emma wasn't working that day so it wouldn't have been awkward with Emma having to wink and smile at me every two seconds. We sat down and started talking more about ourselves. I wasn't ready to tell him about being a cancer survivor. I was scared he would think I’m weird and just leave. So I just listen to what he had to say. He told me his mom past away when he was eight. So it’s just him and his dad. He was an only child like me. We had so much in common. I've never met someone so interesting and who shared the same things in common as me. I mean sure Kaylee is my best friend but she’s wilder and out there….


He walked me home. It was silent for a few minutes. He asked me how come I didn't say much about myself. I told him ‘’sometimes there nothing to say that would change anything’

He smiled. We arrived at my house.


Today was fun, Thanks for a great day Hannah Aha you’re welcome, but don’t thank me, if you didn't decide to buy a book we wouldn't have been here. Alright that’s true.

I giggled. He quickly leaned in for a kiss. I didn't deny it. I went with the flow. It lasted a few seconds. It felt amazing. I had never kissed anyone before and it was amazing. I had goose bumps and it was just perfect.

- Uhm wow. He said

-Wow? I was confused. I hoped wow wasn't a bad thing...

- Wow in a good way aha, I’ll see you later Hannah.


He smiled and walked away without even letting me say anything. I rushed inside. The pride and excitement in me was too much. I've never had been that excited in a long time. I ran to my room. Played some music, and just danced around. I called Kaylee to tell her about everything. She rushed to me house.

HANNAH! YOU KISSED HIM! MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU WENT TO THE MOVIES?! Aha don’t make such a big deal about it… It was just a kiss Just a kiss? Hannah your face is turning red, you’re blushing! If it was just a kiss you wouldn't have called me. Okay fine. It was amazing! AHHHHHH Aha so when are you going to see him again? I have no idea… Well call him! No! I can’t call him! Alright do what you want!

I replayed the music and we both just started dancing in excitement.


Day after day, at school, at home, after school, I’ve been talking and hanging out with Lucas so much. I still haven’t told him my full story yet. And I’m not planning on it anytime soon.


My birthday was soon. It was just in a couple of weeks. I was turning 16. I wasn’t on planning on throwing a party. I was thinking of just sitting home with my folks and just hanging out. Nothing special. I was sitting in bed on my laptop, shopping online for some new books while listening to music. The doorbell rang. I had my mom answer it because I thought it was just those random social workers who come to your house to ask you questions about your plumbing or whatever. My mom called me down. It was Lucas at the door.


-Hey Hannah, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out. I have something special for you..

-Oh I’m not doing anything right now. Mom can I go?

- Sure! Said my mom

-Alright well let me go get dressed.


I wore a plain black skirt and a striped tee shirt with some black boots. I closed my computer and cleaned my room up a bit. I walked downstairs and he was waiting for me at the door.

We walked out the door. Lucas kept smiling and laughing at me. I was confused. Before we kept walking I stopped him. 


Okay can you tell me what’s going on now? Why are you smiling at me like that? You’ll see. He smiled

We walked up in front of my garage. What I saw was unbelievable. Lucas had bought me a bike. I had no idea how to react and why. I didn't have a bike but how did he know I needed one.

-Lucas you got me a bike!

-Yea I guess I did aha

- But why how?

-Well I realized you would always walk to school in the morning, walk to the coffee shop, and the library so I figured you needed a bike. Happy Birthday Hannah!

- Omg I can’t believe this.

I was so happy and surprised. Being with Lucas made me feel like anything was possible. I ran to him and gave him a big hug leading with a kiss. Suddenly I felt dizzy, and I couldn't hold myself up. I saw double of everything and quickly I fell on the ground and fainted. Lucas started screaming, he called my mom from inside, and they called the ambulance. The next thing you know I found myself sitting in the hospital bed once again. I woke up with my mom holding my hand. She was crying. She was in pain.

-Mom what’s going on, what happened? I said confused.

- Your bone found a way to have another meeting with cancer, but don’t worry it’s going to be alright.

I started crying. From that moment forward I knew I was done. My adventures, my life, once and the cancer spread I knew I was going to die.

-Where’s dad?

- He’s talking to the doctor

- Mom, I’m scared.

- Don’t worry I’m here for you baby.

My mom wiped my tears of my face and pulled my hair out of the way.

-Everything was going so perfect; I was finally living life mom. How come this is happening to me mom?

 I was crying too much I couldn't even express my feelings.

-Baby, we don’t all last forever, why is this happening to you? I don’t know, but we can get through it.

I stopped crying a bit. My mom kissed me on the cheek.

Lucas is out there, he’s been waiting for hours for you, he cried a few times, regretting everything, thinking he should have done more for you, if only he knew about this. I thought you had told him... I explained everything to him though, he understands. Omg Lucas I forgot. Mom can you please get him for me? Sure I’ll bring him in.

My mom brought Lucas. He sat down on a chair next to me looking down to the floor with his hand crunched together. He got up and grabbed my hand.

-Hannah, you should have told me, I could have done more for you.

-Lucas you did everything you could, it’s not your fault. This was going to happen someday anyway.

-Hannah do you know how it feels like to lose someone you love? I already lost my own mom and I’m not ready to lose you. Hannah I love you.

- I know you love me, and I love you too but I’m sorry. I should have told you but I didn't want to pressure you, and make you think I’m going to die soon. I didn't even want to believe it myself.

- Well I don’t care I’m going to be here no matter what. I’m not leaving you.

He kissed me and held my hand tighter.

Excuse me sir but please step outside. Said the Doctor Lucas, they’re going to take her for surgery now. Said Hannah’s mom depressed. Okay bye Hannah I love you, good luck.

As they took me out the room, I was so sad to be stuck in this place again.

Hours later, the surgery had passed. The doctor woke me up and took my blood pressure. My parents came in the room to comfort me. The doctor politely asked to talk to them. I was scared. I knew it was something bad. I could see them talking from the glass walls but couldn't understand what they were saying. My mom started crying. My dad too, they held each other tight and the doctor had a bad face. I knew he told me parents I was going to die or something. My parents didn’t get back into the room until they stopped crying. They tried staying strong for me.


Mom, dad, what did he say?

They didn’t answer they held my hands, hugged me and started crying.


- Honey we love you so much.

-Mom just tell me I’m going to die you can stop being strong for me. I started crying.

The doctor came back in, he told me I have a month left and that I should live everyday by its fullest.


From that day forward, I lost hope. I was going to die, and nothing could fix that. I’ve been in the hospital for a week now. Lucas was beside me. I was sort of asleep. I woke up to him talking to himself. I opened one of my eyes and saw him praying to God hoping I’d get better. I watched him as he finished. He turned around and found me awake. He kissed me on the cheek and offered me some water.


-Where are my parents?

- They went home to grab a few stuff for you.

- Oh okay.


Everything was silent. I couldn’t bear to make him see me like this.

I brought you something, I know it’s not going to change anything but I realised you could use it, with your free time in here… I don’t think I could use a bike while I’m dying. We laughed. It’s not a bike, it’s a book.

He sat down beside me and handed me the book. The book looked odd. There was no author name or nothing, it didn’t look official. It looked like a plain old notebook

-What is the book about? Who wrote it?

- Me. I wrote it, it’s about us, the day I met you, everything that made my life become amazing since you walked into it. Now I’m giving it to you. It’s your turn to write your adventures and your feelings while they last.

- Did I ever tell you that you’re the best thing that’s happen to me? I said with a smile on my face

We hugged and kissed. He lay down beside me and started reading the first page.


Today I met this girl named Hannah.

She’s beautiful, funny, cool and amazing

She taught me that everything is possible

When we kissed, it was amazing, like fireworks, like nothing matters in the world.

That everything was alright no matter what happens, and the pain doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy.

 And seeing her like this made me realize why.

Hannah, I love you no matter what



Reading what Lucas wrote couldn't make me happier. My parents had finally had come. Lucas left the room to get my parents a cup of coffee. My mom came up to me and handed me a letter.

-What is this mom? I said curiously

- Just read it. It’s something you wrote a long time ago…


Everyone left. It was just me. The paper didn't look familiar. I was curious about what it was. I unfolded the paper and started to read…






Dear Hanna,


This is your 6 year old self talking to you

I just wanted to let you know that everything is going to be alright

I mean, what could be better than having a mom feeding you every morning.

Giving you the sweetest happiest kisses, and being there every step of the way.

And a dad reading you stories at night,

While lifting you up in the air and giving you the biggest hugs.

I’m in the hospital right now and I wonder where I would be in 9 years…

So here’s a promise to myself, when I grow up I want to be the

Brightest, smartest, coolest girl ever. Can you promise I become that?


your younger self.



I started tearing up. I had remembered the day I wrote that. My parents walked in...


-Hannah, do you remember writing that? My parents said with a smile on their face

- Yea I do.

- Hanna your dad and I are so proud of you. You became that bright smart coolest girl ever aha. You read books all day and still have time for adventures. You met an amazing boy who makes you smile more than us. We love you so much. By tomorrow you will be back home and promise us that you will live your life to the fullest.


- Mom, dad, I promise you. I love you.


They hugged me and we all smiled.


-Alright are you ready to leave Hannah?

-Yes I finally am.







~months later~








Hello everyone, and welcome to Hanna Gold’s Funeral. Now I would like to invite Lucas Kramer to the podium please. Said the priest.


Hi I’m as you all know, Lucas Kramer, or Hannah Gold’s boyfriend or and everything. This girl changed my world. Without her I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’d just be another shy, book reading worm. She taught me that anything is possible, that you can still be happy even with the pain. I loved Hannah all so much. The first day at my new school she took me in as any normal kid. I never imagined our future like this. Not at all. But as someone once told me, ‘sometimes there’s nothing to say that could change anything’’ Hannah I will always remember our adventures together. If only I knew about her life the first time I would make her last breaths unforgettable.


Thank you Lucas. Today as we pray to the death of Hannah Gold may her spirit rest in peace

              Said the priest.





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