Sorry

Just a sad little thing I wrote. Gah, I don't even know what this is. Enjoy! Or not... it's up to you.

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1. Sorry

Before I’d even finished saying it, I regretted it.

His face changed, sunshine to shadow, hurt flitting like birds across his complexion. His eyes; my eyes; creased at the edges, as though shock had burrowed itself under his skin and formed ridges.

‘I’m sorry.’ I could barely even shape my mouth to meet the words, the words I said as though I was introducing myself; Hello my name is sorry and I am sorry years old and I live in the land of sorry.

Ironic really, that this moment cloaked my entire future in sorry. What had we even been arguing about?

I hadn’t meant it, I didn’t want him to die before me, in fact, every new division of cancerous cell, every step closer to death he took, I walked with him. And I didn’t want to walk alone.

It was like when we lost Mum at the supermarket. We saw the bright red, plastic car attached seductively onto the magazine, and we didn’t know she had just nipped around the corner to grab some Head and Shoulders. Even though it was one of the loneliest moments of all my life, he was there, holding my hand in his clammy grip, taking care of me; after all he was ten minutes older than me, and therefore far braver and more intelligent. I never really knew what ALONE felt like.

I couldn’t cry at the funeral. Not even when his body was lowered into the ground by all our uncles. Not even when we threw Spider-Man shaped confetti over the small black box, because it’s what he would have wanted. Not even when they poured the earth on top, so he was no longer a part of this world, but beneath it, and this confused me because how could he get to heaven if he was down there? Not even when we visited the grave and I could see his birthday was the same as mine and it felt like there was a little bit of me in there too.

All I could think about was saying sorry. Why hadn’t I said it enough?

The mysterious, wise old man at the bus stop with the gums and the wisps of hair and the watery blue eyes and the strange powdery smell put it best.

‘You need to forgive yourself.’ He said.

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