My Last Diary

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  • Published: 11 Mar 2015
  • Updated: 11 Mar 2015
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I am Hazel Grace Lancaster. Tonight when I look at the stars, I will think of you, Augustus.

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1. My Last Diary

My Last Diary

Every human being has a story to tell. It’s not always what you reveal in the story, but the way you tell it. Mom has always told me from a young age to be positive. Optimism is the key. Although my tale is not legendary and will not make a mark on history, I have had many great memories. And those who I have met, I have loved and cherished. One young girl came up to me asking about my cannula. I remember sitting on the chair and staring into her blank expression, I saw it grow sad as her Mom spelled the words out. C-A-N-C-E-R. She was touched by my story. However, I don’t want sympathy; it doesn’t make me any stronger. I just want freedom; you know, the usual- doing teen things. Since the day I saw Augustus Waters, I knew my path had changed. But I never knew he would make my future so bright and full of joy on my lasting moments. One boy saved my life.
Life is crazy, it’s ever-changing. As a teenager, it’s full of ups and downs. Mainly downs (for me, anyway). It’s been difficult seeing my friends apply for university. I’ve applied but truth is I don’t know if I will get there. Life is a harsh reality.
I feel bad when I argue with my parents as I know how much they care for me. I feel there is a battle with my annoyance and their concern. They have done so much that I never get time to say thank you for. I hope they know. Anyway, I’m not afraid of death. People say I’m strong and brave. I’m afraid of losing the ones that mean the most to me. Saying goodbye to my existence. I don’t want to imagine the emotion that my Mom and Dad will find when I…
Swiftly I must move on from all my trapped feelings. I am forever keeping them locked inside. Through each word it seems to pour out. My support class said how vital self-expression is. In a way I don’t want anyone to read this. I have a few personal things and this is a pretty important possession. I guess I can actually be myself, not having to hide behind the façade of saying “I’m OK.”
Although I feel ache and pain and an immense weight of nothingness, Mr Waters helped that. He was a part of my cosmos. My iridescent star. He created light when my world was surrounded by bitter darkness. Now he is gone. I must not erase the special times but keep them a strong image to help me through each complex day. Oh how I remember how he would hold me in his warm embrace and I would respond “Okay”. He made my world fine, just fine. It helps my mind imagining his sweet lips, heaven blue eyes and basketballer figure. The thing is, he would want me to be happy. I don’t smile often. But when I think of him my lips automatically curve. I can’t help it. Mom said I was deeply and passionately in love. I cringe because it is true. Falling in love was never easy for me as I know what I am capable of, the damage and destruction I can create. I’m like a scar, indelible that won’t go away.
As these chapters fold into a close, it brings me a spark of happiness to say that I, with the help of my supportive family, set up a trust in memory of my sweet Augustus. We have raised £7,000 which is truly incredible. I had to perform a speech, I’m not very good at speeches. But I did it. Each word felt difficult to express. “His calm and soothing voice was my personal lullaby. He was a reminder that if it wouldn’t be okay in this world it would be fine in the next.” The rest seemed like a fading blur, I remember looking through the window for each word, gazing at the endless skyline where the horizons met. Memories are there to be cherished and to me, they are everlasting like the wings of eternity. For the trust I designed clouds for similar patients to write their messages, in dedication to my Augustus.
Days have passed. Letting go still hurts, each moment is a fragment of pain. Some days I am ready to reunite with him, others remind me I am perhaps not. It is inevitable I will cause harm, tears and maybe more tears. But if one thing is certain, my life has been a series of events fulfilled. From the moment my breath was taken away seeing his face to the moment it will be stolen by my last, I will always be thankful for him.
Maybe there will be beams of light, maybe there will be the opening gates of Heaven. Or maybe there will be utter darkness. I don’t mind as long as I rest with him. My end chapter.

I am Hazel Grace Lancaster. Tonight when I look at the stars, I will think of you, Augustus. Thank you for my piece of infinity. I wish we could lie on the grass, side by side, and wish for a shooting star to glide through the midnight sky. I am humble, grateful and lucky for everything you’ve done. I know that one day I will meet you again and together we will be in a blissful serenity. Together.

Hazel Grace

    By Grace Duce

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