Relocating Gareth was my one attempt to set everything straight; to undo my mistakes and to draw a nice clean line underneath everything - to allow us both to move on. Even that was selfish of me because I made the assumption that Gareth would not have moved on and, if I'm honest, I wanted him not to have because I was still reeling from him. I didn't want to prove weaker than all his desperate, pathetic earnestness.
RainbowM: I never said thank you.
I would offer you a cigarette but they made me stop. And you’d say no. Because you probably have a new excuse now that we’re not fifteen anymore. And I’m sorry. And I hope I didn’t screw up too much of your life and I hope that I’m doing the right thing here because I’m probably not. I never knew what the right thing was so I did whatever stopped me from feeling. I guess you probably understand that now.
I never kissed you. But maybe some promises are made to be broken and if I hadn’t been lying when I said I would, I probably would have made an even bigger mess of your life. So I’m sorry that you loved me and I’m sorry that I was incapable of loving anyone back.
I only wanted to show Mr Thomas that when he said maybe Gwenafwy wasn’t right for me, he should have realised that there was no maybe. The thing was that I’d lost all sense of proportion by then.
I’m learning Fijian these days. Because in Fijian there are six different words for we and that’s good because it means that everybody is allowed to be more than one thing each.
Somebody trying not to fuck up anymore.
Gareth Argall: Hi? :)
Gareth Argall: Iris?
RainbowM: What did you do after?
Gareth Argall: After what?
RainbowM: I’m surprised you have to ask… Maybe it’s been too long.
Gareth Argall: I moved out as soon as I had my GCSEs. I couldn’t stand living there anymore. You know. I managed to get a college place in Ruthin and rented a flat there. I was completely broke after two months but at least it all gave me something else to think about. I worked in a chippy. And at Asda. I used to write my essays on the bus between jobs. I don’t know how I passed all my A levels – I was never that smart. I think maybe I just had fewer distractions there. I made myself live like the days were too short for me and that made it easier. You know. I used to wake up early, write my homework at 5am, work two early hours at Asda and then be at college for 8:45… I don’t really know how I lived through it. Sorry; that was tactless, but I don’t – I’ve always been lazy.
RainbowM: What do you do now?
Gareth Argall: I write stuff down.
RainbowM: So you’re a writer?
Gareth Argall: Not really. It’s like I said, I just write things down – mostly unsuccessfully.
RainbowM: What happened to boat driving?
Gareth Argall: God knows.
RainbowM: Does he?
Gareth Argall: I don’t know. Perhaps you should try asking him. --- You know, Iris, I’m sitting here reading this conversation with a goddamn smile on my face even though I’m so goddamn sad.
RainbowM: Goddamn? You are so contradictory… You’ve clearly spent too much time around Jac.
Gareth Argall: Ha. Not anymore. I haven’t seen him for years. I didn’t really keep in touch much with anyone. Occasionally Aaron. I got an invitation to Jac’s wedding a few months back, you know what I did with it? I put it though the shredder. What kind of dick does that?
RainbowM: The invitation probably isn’t much shorter lived than the marriage.
Gareth Argall: I suppose. It just felt so disingenuous. You know. I hadn’t seen him (or any of them) for too long. I didn’t want to be reminded. You know.
RainbowM: You keeping saying ‘you know’ as if everyone’s lived the same life that you have. I don’t know, actually. I’d have quite liked to have some friends I could cling on to.
RainbowM: You are quite rubbish at writing sentences… for a writer, I mean.
Gareth Argall: God knows why I've missed you so much.