So I am sitting here thinking of that whole Kate debacle damn near six years ago while searching through online profiles. I'm scared shitless because after her there where three more epic failures (Just wait) and I really wasn't ready for another but my nuts are covered in sand mainly because It's been a year again. Not because I couldn't get my dick wet but because I spent 8 of those months on afghan soil or dust rather.
Now I know what you're thinking. People hear about the wild sex and stuff military people have and the many partners and brothels and women chasing after us military guys. It’s true to an extent but this was Afghanistan. A Mountainous dust ball. Not only that, this country is Islamic, so Islamic rules which mean women cannot come out to play. Least in the region I was in. Speaking of that region, it was secluded so I’d see a million and one men in a day and no local women. Now you're probably thinking I am sure you have women in the military. Well that’s truth. Just turns out that is a no go.
Now the Articles say, that is the Army rules, in lame man’s terms it says you do not date or sleep with your battle buddy (someone in the military). If you choose to do so one of you have to leave you the company and get assigned somewhere else. Same goes for married couples. This doesn't stop people from doing it in secret and those who get caught end up forfeiting pay and rank. This being said where I was there were several female soldiers. The prettier they were the nastier they were. One huge exception I do not have the gall to mention. Left and right these soldiers were being humped. Shoot one of my favorite people got caught coming out of a male barrack and was sent home. She claimed to me she was a lesbian and that it was all a blackmail orchestrated by her ex-boyfriend who was in the company... I know right?
Any who about 4 months in all I could think about was sex. I started getting the goggles. That means even the busted girls were starting to look smashable but I remain strong. How? Body Lotion and paper towels as often as I possible could and the amount of porn available from people's hard drives was ridiculous. I rather been plowing a girl that was a solid 6 but I was too disgusted and still super introverted. Not only that I had Kate.
"Wait a fucking minute!" Jerry said stopping his drawing.
"That’s right I said it!" I replied with broken pride in my voice.
"Yo after that whole thing way back when?" Mark asked in hi high pitched voice not liking it either stopping his drawing as well.
"Yes, even after that whole situation." I replied knowing I was about to get burned up for it.
"Son you crazy! We gonna get you a girl, She has already proved she's not willing to go 50/50." Jerry said as Mark agreed as they both glared at me ready to open fire.
Before we get into Jerry and Mark's Shenanigans allow me to explain this. Before I went to Afghanistan I was kind of going steady with one of my epic failures. Kind of. But before I left I contacted everyone I felt I've done wrong and apologized. One of those people was Kate. I royally cussed her out for everything and the monkey baring me. I called her everything but a Mexican-donkey slut. I then learned she had a son. He was born mid-January around the time we broke up. You do the math. I was like what the fuck! Scared out of my mind thinking maybe just may he was mine completely ignoring the fact her "Daddy" called me. Till I saw a picture of him and his skin tone and I immediately denied it, in my brain but you’ll never know. I grew up with a guy whose biologicals where parents where both lightskinned but he was dark like me. The kid being light didn't necessarily mean anything.
So me and her started talking again but just as friends. Nothing more since we both were in relationships. So turns out before I mobilized (went to Afghanistan) me and my current steady had a falling out but then she came to my Mobilization site to patch thing up which kind of sorta resulted in me giving her promise ring. She was worried about me getting my salami wet. So not long into the deployment she flaked on me and I found out she was pregnant. She wasn't sure if it was mine or this other guys. Kate helped me through this. She talked a lot of sense into me and eventually I had Jerry go kick that woman out of my apartment. Half way in the Deployment Kate informs me of her troubles in her current relationship and of her baby’s father troubles. PHEW! Dodged a bullet! Slowly but surely we began repeating chapter five. Even bought tickets for her to accompany me to the Virgin Islands when I returned to the states.
"Jet you're black ass needs to get some game! Get off that stupid website. Leave Kate and her 'abusive' boyfriend alone. You too buff and black to not have a dozen single bitches!" Mark stated.
"All I need is one good one and I'll be done." I replied knowing how simple is sounded but how hard that really is.
"What you need is ass, and we gonna get you some. It'll help you think straight." Jerry added.
So these two fools sat there pondering while we all were drawing super heroes. I couldn't keep my mind off the whole situation. They were right Kate has flaked on me alot and even stood me up on the island trip. I am settling too much and really need to find someone good.
"Oh I got it. Brie!" Mark stated as Lisa's face dropped and shaking her head.
"Oh yeah Brie! That’s some good starter kit pussy!" Mark added
"You guys can’t be serious!" I reacted angry looking at them
Now, this revelation made me extremely mad. As many beautiful female friends these dudes have they got to select Brie. Both guys for different reasons but they agreed and these dude's never agree so I was sure this is a bad Idea from the jump. Now don't get me wrong. Brie wasn't an ugly woman at all. Matter of fact, she looked like a girl who would fit in a Mid-nineties two-thousand rap video. She has big ol breast, a big ol back side, very curvy, not too fat not too skinny, great lips, nice caramel colored skin and always keeps herself looking good. Even calls me by my nick name, Bootydaddy. Problem with her is she's allegedly the school whore. You know that one easy girl. She was Jerry’s twin sexually. I just got back to the states after being surrounded by whores, females and male alike. I wasn't in the mood for another. Not only that, she is kind of a spoiled kid so she comes off as a gold-digger. I don’t have much but a shitty car and my new home.
"Not a good Idea!" I replied mimicking Lisa's head negative head movement.
"C’mon, she just got out of a bed relationship with that dude." Mark tried to coax me with her knowing her usual M.O. she was weak and would probably give it up easy and get attached to me.
"I mean, I know but she doesn’t really find me attractive anyhow. Did you see all her Ex's?" I replied not really convinced remember all most of her EX’s looked like Boris Kodjo with hair like Troy Polamalu.
"Son, I just think you should Kleenex her. Fuck the bull shit you need one good nut and you'll be thinking straight!" Jerry added his ususal two sense in.
"Really Jerry?" I replied annoyed but starting to consider it slightly.
"Yeah! Really Shut up! Yeah she do kind of like the light ones but remember the one before the last three." Mark stated.
"That emo-fashion student dude?" I replied remembering his stupid flipped over press permed hair style looking like a black ass cockatoo.
"Yeah she loved his skinny ass and he was just as dark as you!" Mark explained.
"Well persona wise we won’t click." I continued to make excuses.
"Son she stay flirting with you!" Mark stated cornering my thought process.
This wasn't far from the truth she did invite Jerry and I to her New Year's party that just consisted of her and a few of her friends. Also any time I broke out into a sex talk at the school her and I would go neck and neck in stories of our sexual journeys, most being extremely outrageous. She also have done little things like stick her boobs in my face and basically dared me to motorboat. Bet you wondering if I stuck my head into those oversized caramel twin cities. Welp, No! Sexual assault is no joke.
"Aight I’ll give it a chance!"
That statement would prove to be a mistake that I will forever regret. So Mark places a little bug into her ear and I made my approach gaining her number in the process. I texted her a few times but she treated me like I was a mosquito. So I gave up but Mark and his sparkly ass ponytail kept pushing her to me and eventually at school she approached me and asked me out on a date. That was a first! So I was scared to death and didn't know what to do whether to do a movie date or dinner. I was too indecisive but then somehow it ended up being a triple date. I suppose Jerry and Mark wanted to coach me live like EA Sports. Fucking ask Madden. This date was such shit that I’m going to summarize it.
-Drove 50 miles to pick her up
-Spoke in car for about random stuff for about 5 minutes (60 minute trip)
-Drove 50 miles to Jerry's home
-Met up with Jerry his date, Mark & Lisa at Denny's
-Ate (she didn’t sit next to or across from me)
-Drove back to Jerry's home (she hopped in the car with them)
-Consolidated to one car and went skating
-She didn’t stop talking about her Ex boyfriend or to him for that matter through text
-Went back to Jerry's
-She asked me to give me a ride to her Ex's house
-I said fuck that shit bitch
-Jerry felt my pain and decided to do it for me
-I left immediately
Now don't get me wrong the entire time I was trying to click with her but it wasn't. Not to mention she was annoying us all with her attention whore antics. I was severely disappointed this became the date that made me say, "Never again!" I could careless about getting butt from her like Jay wanted me to and she was not at all obligated to give it up even if I paid for all that gas, Denny's, and roller skating. Just didn’t think her asking me out would turn into me being the 7th wheel. It was the "Can I get a ride to my Ex's house," that did it though. Dating isn't worth that. Shit sex wasn't either although I still wonder what that would of been like with her giant ass and all. She looks great in yoga pants.
"Never fucking again man!" I yell back in Jerry's basement a week later hanging out with the usual crew.
These assholes just laugh in my face.
"We told you!" Mark said like that meant anything to me.
"You told me what! It was ya'll idea to hook me up with that girl! Shit do you know how much Gas cost these days! 'Take me to Kevin’s house!' Give me a fucking break! Ohh I should of went and got my sister after that shit! She'd beat the breaks off her!" I said mad but not as mad as I was the night this all happened. Honestly I cried in the car a bit before going home and destroying my punching bag. By destroying I mean I hit it until I had zero energy left then hit it one more bending my wrist the opposite way and screaming like a scared Homer Simpson.
"Calm down,” Mark stated.
"No you flamboyant ponytail flipping bitch! I'm sick of this, I'll handle this on my own!" I insulted that pretty bitch.
There was silence in the room for a moment and Jerry started a slow clap,
"Bout time Negro!" he stated giving his jolly Santa Claus laugh.
"What you gonna do!" Mark stated curiously.
"What I should of done a long time ago!" I replied with just the person in mind.