So when you have today - Justin hills/Kellin Quinn

Kellin had always told me that when I had today, I should say all that I had to say. And now when I have the two guys I've fallen hopelessly in love with I don't know what to say anymore.

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19. I think your mouth should be quiet - Chapter 19

Rose's POV

"Wow Justin, so much for a mistake." I scoff and roll my eyes.

He quickly pushed Mikayla away and starts stuttering, but seems to be at a loss of words.

"Go fuck yourself." Mikayla says rudely.

"First of all, go fuck myself like you fucked my boyfriend? And second of all, I wasn't even talking to you, you fucking whore." I spit at her and look back at Justin.

"Look, you're just digging yourself a deeper hole that's gonna be harder to crawl back out of you asshole." I tell him as a few more tears fall.

I walk away from the both of them before anything else can be said. I walk I to the bus to see Tay already there and looking at me with sympathetic eyes.

"I saw what happened." She says.

"I'll get over it." I sniffle and walk to my bunk.

I grab some pyjamas and I catch a glimpse of my makeup bag. My mind traveled back to what was hidden at the very bottom and I had mixed emotions.

I had finally made a decision. I grabbed the makeup bag and dug all the way to the bottom, pulling out the small, shiny, cold piece of metal. It had been almost three months since I've harmed myself, but nobody would even care anyway.

I walk into the bathroom and change quickly and I sigh.

I stare at the little piece of hell I had in my hands and think of everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. I thought about Justin, Tay, Kellin, Jack, Jesse, Gabe, Ash and Luke. I thought about my druggie of a mom who I didn't even give a shit about anymore, and last I thought about my dad.

My dad... I don't even know where to start with him. He had been diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 6. Me and my dad were closer than I'd ever been with anyone. He was the only one that I really cared about for the longest time. My dad was my world, and for some sick reason god had taken him away from me. I was 6 years old when my dad died. He passed away 2 days before my birthday, and let me tell you something. My birthday has never been the same.

My mom had always been an addict. She even did drugs when she was pregnant with me, behind my dad's back of course. So she never really cared. But when he passed I think that really fucked her.

She wasn't able to take care of me so I had moved in with my aunt. I haven't heard from my mom since I was 8 years old. That's 14 years I went without a mom, not like I really had one anyway.

I had to stop thinking of the things that happened in the past because I had been crying to hard. I blanked everything out of my mind and I grew completely numb as I drew the blade to my wrist. I had made one, then two. And before I knew it I couldn't stop. By the time I snapped out of the whatever I was in, I had made 36 cuts. 36 cuts stacked my wrist and I watched my tears mix with blood as it washed away down the sink.

I realized I'd been in the bathroom for close to an hour. I bandaged myself up and pulled my A Day to Remember sweater on so nobody would see my arm. I walked out and put all my stuff back in my suitcase, then joined Tay in the living room. I just now realized we were moving and I sighed.

"Hello." I say and lay on the floor in front of her.

She laughs a bit and looks at me. "You weirdo." She says and I roll my eyes.

"I love you too my dearest friend."

We sit and talk for a while and my phone goes off. I look down to see a message from Kellin.

'Hey, I never got to see you after the concert. I know what happened. How are you?'

I bite my lip hard and reply. 'Fucked in the head, you know, same old same old.' I send and see that Tay had put on The Fault In Our Stars.

"Really bitch?" I ask and she nods.

I roll my eyes as she watches contently.

My phone buzzes.

'Rose, I'm coming to see you when we get to our next stop.' It reads.

'Ill be waiting.' I reply and throw my phone down.

*2 months into the tour*

Rose's POV

Ever since that night my self harming was unbelievable. My arms were now more scarred than ever. Everyone questions why I'm always wearing a sweater, especially since it's summer and while on stage it's extremely hot.

Me and Kellin have grown closer than ever and I wouldn't say we were dating, but we kiss and stuff.

I'm still hopelessly in love with Justin, but he apparently has moved on. Every night he has some random girl with him. Every night he fucks another chick. Every night I still cry over what he did, but he doesn't see. He doesn't realize how bad he hurt me. I don't think anyone does.

Right now I was sitting on the couch on the SWS tour bus in Kellin's arms.

I had on sweatpants and my favourite sweater. The one that said Jesse, Jack, Justin, Kellin, Gabe.

Kellin was playing with my hair and I was playing Crossy Road as always.

Nothing exciting was happening until I heard the bus door open and two people walk on.

I thought it was just Jack and Gabe back from their day alone. Yes, everyone knows about them now so they don't need to be secretive.

But no, to my surprise, Justin walked in with a bleach blonde tramp attached at his hip.

I look up and I meet Justin's eyes and he smiles.

"Hey guys! Meet my girlfriend Amanda!" He exclaims and my whole body tenses.

"G-girlfriend..?" I stutter and he nods happily.

She just chews her gum obnoxiously.

I swallow hard and nod. "N-nice to meet you. I hate to just leave but Tay needs me. Bye guys." I tell them and run off the SWS bus.

I walk back into my own and thank god nobody was there. I burst out into tears and make my way to the bathroom, collapsing on the floor and pulling my knees to my chest.

How could he? Did he really not care? How did he move on so fast when I'm still here hopelessly in love with him still?

It's not fucking fair!

*TRIGGER WARNING*

I did the first thing that came to my mind. I grabbed my blade and pulled up my sleeve to see red marks running from the start of my wrist to my elbow.

I choke out sobs as I run the blade over my wrist multiple times, hoping to feel something, but as always I'm completely numb.

I felt nothing anymore. It's like my heart was so broken my mind and body were always numb. Well that and the fact I started to take pain killers again.

Two small pills laid in my had as I continued to destroy the skin on my arm. There was blood everywhere and I couldn't feel anything. I dry-swallowed the pain killers and I stood up but immediately felt dizzy.

It wasn't until a few minutes later I zoned back into reality and heard frantic knocking on the locked bathroom door.

"Rose please, I'm begging you to open the door!" I heard Kellin say.

He sounded like he was crying.

I blink a few times when my vision began to blur and I reach up and unlock the door.

"HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT ME!" I sob out once another wave of reality hit me.

I pick up the blade and bring it to my wrist again when Kellin burst through the door. The look on his face was somewhere in between "holy fucking hell what the shit is going on" and "I'm so going to murder Justin and that bitch."

"He said he loved me but he lied." I say quietly as another wave of tears hit me.

Kellin's head clued into that was happening and he immediately started panicking.

"Rose! Oh my god oh my god.... Here!" He says and starts to clean me up.

"He promised." Was the last thing I remembered saying before I blacked out.

*TRIGGER WARNING OVER*

I woke up in Kellin's arms in my bunk. I was extremely groggy and my head was killing me.

I shook Kellin slightly and his eyes opened. He saw it was me and sighed in relief.

"Rose.. You don't even know how terrified I was. I can't lose you. I just couldn't bear it." He says and pulls me close to his chest.

"Shush Kellin, I'm fine. I love you." I say hoarsely.

"I love you so so so much." He tells me and kisses me softly.

I kiss back and let myself melt in his embrace.

"But Kellin..." I say breaking the kiss and looking down.

"Yeah?" He says kissing my cheeks and neck and lips, just basically everywhere he could reach from his position.

I take in a shaky breath and look at him, playing with the hem of his shirt. "I-I don't think I can stay on this tour."

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