It's like everything changes when you feel like you're losing the only thing that you're living for. The way your mind works, the way your body works and the way your whole life is changing.
Walking down the white and blue painted hallway of the overly clean hospital, I realize that Rose had affected my life in every way. Mostly good, but some for the worse. But I'm not complaining. I'm in love with her, why would I complain?
Rose was finally out of ICU and ready to see visitors. She hadn't woken up yet, but she was progressing amazingly well.
They would only allow one person in at a time and it was my turn to visit. My breath hitched in my throat
343.... 344... 345... And finally, 346. Room 346. That was the room that the girl that I'm hopelessly in love with is lying on a hospital bed so close to death. All because of me.
I turned the door handle slightly and pushed the door in, not enough that I could see Rose, but enough that I could slip in and close the door.
I stepped into the room and my gaze fell on a petite, very,
very pale, (way paler than usual) boney, run down, lifeless Rose. I choked back a sob as I closed the door behind me.
I walked over to her and sat down on the chair next to her bed. I took her cold, soft and tiny hand in my large, rough one and run my thumb over her knuckles.
I missed being able to do this.
I breathed in shakily and bring her hand to my lips, kissing it softly.
"Look, I know you probably can't even hear me right now, and if you can and know it's me, you'd be trying everything in your will to either make me go away or ignore me." I stop and breath out, a few tears falling.
"But I needed to tell you that you're still my world. I love you with all I've got, and I need you Rose. I never meant to hurt you. That would've been the last thing I wanted to do. And I know you probably don't give a shit if you're hearing this, but none of those girls meant anything. After you left all I could think about is how much I need you." I choke out and hold her hand tightly in mine.
"Why did you do this to yourself Roses...? You had- you have so much to live for, but you wanted to end it... I know I'd never understand what it would be like to be in a position or a time where I could think that killing myself would be the only way out, but I would've tried to understand. I would've tried everything for you, because I love you." I sob quietly and interlock our fingers together.
"Whatever happens, and whatever you chose. I just need you to know I love you. Forever and always Roses." I lay my head on the bed beside her stomach and sharply inhale.
Forever and always, to infinity and beyond, Rose.
As soon as the hand took mine, I knew. I knew exactly who it was. The only guy who'd ever give me this feeling when touching me.
So I am alive.
I focus as hard as I could when I hear him begin to talk. I listen to him carefully. Well, about as carefully as you could while being half dead.
Justin went on for ages and I never wanted him to stop talking. It had been so long since I've been this close to him, and I honestly never wanted it to end.
Even though I technically wasn't even 'alive' I was aware of everything happening around me. I can feel my body parts and when someone is touching me, but my god damn eyes seem like they're sewn shut.
Justin stopped talking and I frowned internally, because I obviously couldn't do it externally. But then something very rare happened.
He started singing.
It wasn't just any song though, he was singing Sorry.
I zoned out everything and listened to him. He sang so gently and perfectly my heart flipped and stomach flopped.
What felt like way to soon, he stopped singing and then one last thing happened. He kissed me.
His soft lips pressed against mine and something happened.
After the longest time, I found myself in complete control of my body. I could feel everything and move everything. I could breathe normally, and I could open my eyes.
And I kissed him back. I kissed him like I'd been separated from him for years. Kissing Justin was something that felt like home. Like it had been the only thing I knew and trusted. Justin's embrace was the only thing I wanted, and somehow I had it.
She kissed back. I pulled back, extremely shocked to see her beautiful eyes staring at me.
"Rose?" I asked her through tears.
"Shush Justin, it's okay. I'm here. A-and I love you too. Forever and always." She tells me ever so softly and genuinely.
"You don't even realize... You just don't..." I say quietly and she kisses me again.
Then she speaks the words I had never thought I could ever hear from her mouth ever again.
"I forgive you."
Justin had been in there for what seemed like ages until I saw a few doctors walking towards Rose's room.
I had though something bad had happened but I was wrong, I was terribly wrong.
Justin walked out with a shocked expression, but he also looked like he was on top of the world.
"What the fucks the matter with you?" I ask him, unamused.
"It's Rose... A-she's awake!" He stutters and we all stare at him.
Rose is awake. Rose is alive. Rose is okay.
This is a dream come true. But then it's as if he repaired my heart just to break it again. He continues.
"And she's forgiven me!"