1. Being Worthwhile
In my years on this planet so far,
I’ve spent a lot of time socialising and interacting with others.
And in this time, I’ve begun to notice things,
the little tells that people have when they lie,
the nervous ticks associated with anxiety,
the way someone looks away when they’re not telling you everything.
I’ve also found that conversations - and a lot of the time, life -
revolves around being interesting, or worthwhile.
And because of this, I’ve found that when I speak to someone,
the question of “do you enjoy talking to me?”
is constantly playing on my lips, tingling as I hold it back.
I mean, who wants to risk seeming needy,
just to find out what people think about your conversation?
So instead, I hold it in.
It stays in my mind, turning over and over,
played back and forth, creating anagrams from it.
- “enjoyment okay gout idol” is my favourite one… -
until I can’t hold it in any longer, and suddenly it comes out,
not so much more than a whisper
as I sit in my room on my own, and the question lingers in the air,
stale and empty.
When did it get to the point that I became bored of talking to myself?
I can’t stand my own conversation, I no longer find myself interesting,
I only ever talk about four different things, do those things define me?
But when did being interesting start to define my self-worth?
When did others decide if I was worthwhile
without listening to everything that I have to say?
People say don’t judge a book by its cover
so instead they judge it from the title page.
Your appearance is judged, and then the first few words
and how you say them,
and sure, I might sound bitter, but I define myself,
not the few things I know a lot about.
I can safely say that when I talk to myself
I have full blown conversations in which I answer both sides.
When my mum talks to our dog in French, he obviously understands,
and he enjoys knowing that she wants to talk to him
even when he obviously doesn’t understand.
I can talk to people and even though it’s taken a while,
I now understand that it’s not up to others to decide if I’m interesting,
it’s up to me.
I am interesting,
and I am worthwhile.