I was out walking. I haven't been out in a long time. I love being outside, but being outside reminds me of Jim.
I walked to a park. That park Jim and I used to go to. I really missed being outside, but I miss Jim more.
I've been cutting a lot lately. I don't think Niomi knows about it. She thinks I'm getting better.
But I'm not. I'm just pretending. It's hard to do, but I have to.
I walked over to a bench and sat down. Suddenly a lot of memories came through my mind.
Most of them were of me and Jim, but memories of Niomi, Zoe, Louise, Joe, Alfie, Caspar, Marcus came too.
I smiled with the thoughts of them. I really love those guys.
I decided to just sit down and look at my phone. I took my phone out of my pocket and opened it. I clicked on the camera icon. I scrolled through my pictures. It made me happy and sad at the same time. There was a lot of photos of me and Jim.
I locked my phone and threw it back in my pocket. Suddenly i felt something else in my pocket. I took it up. It was Jim’s phone. I completely forgot I had that in my pocket.
I took it up and unlocked it. Of course I knew his password. When I opened it, it was on messages. Something was written. I looked at it and read it.
‘Hi Tan<3 miss you lots. Not long till you come back. Can’t w’
He was texting me, just before the accident. Now I feel even more bad. It was all my fault. If I didn’t go to Australia, all this wouldn’t have happened, or if he never met me. I think I was crying, because a girl came over to me and asked if I was okay. I said to her, that I was okay. I got up from the bench and walked away.
Then it hit me. If it just was me, who was dead, then it all would be so much easier. If I just committed suicide.
I decided to walk home. Not home but to Marcus and Niomi’s place.
When I got back, Niomi asked me how my walk had been. I just said it had been good, and then I walked into my room and wrote a note to Niomi and Marcus. It was a lot harder than I thought. I ended up writing:
Hi Marcus and Niomi.
When you’re reading this, I will be gone forever.
I’m sorry if I hurt anyone, but I can’t do this anymore.
I just think that the world will do so much better without me.
I really hope you understand.
I love you, and I’m so sorry.
Love, Tanya Burr
After spending a few hours on it, I finished writing the letter, I realised Niomi and Marcus wasn’t home right now, so I walked out in their kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, I saw there was a note. For me, because ‘Tanya’ was written on it. I opened the note, and it said:
Me and Marcus went out for the night.
We didn’t want to disturb you.
Hope you’re okay.
We’ll be home by 10pm.
I finished reading, and looked at the watch on the wall. ‘8pm’. It gave me two hours before they got home, and when they get home, I will be gone.
~ A week later ~
I still can’t believe Tanya did it. It doesn’t make sense. I wish I didn’t leave her alone. I thought she was doing better, but I was wrong. And today, was the day of her funeral. I was dressed in a black dress, Tanya once bought me, and some black converse. My hair was braided, and I didn’t wear make-up.
When me and Marcus arrived, Zoe was standing outside crying, while hugging Alfie. All of this was so heartbreaking. I began crying too, and as soon Marcus noticed, he went over to me. He kept hugging me and telling me, ‘it’s okay, it’ll be okay’.