It Only Took 5 Seconds

What will happen to Maddy when her life is turned upside down. When she is forced to move halfway across the world. she thinks her life couldn't get any worse when suddenly it changes when she meets an interesting set of boys. Could this change her life? Read It Only Took 5 Seconds to find out. Warning- self harm -COMPLETE-

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32. Selfish.

Chapter 31.

I rolled over and looked at the clock.

9:07am

Great. I wont be getting back to sleep then. I looked over at Michael who still had an arm draped around my waist. I decided to let him sleep. I carefully got out of his grip and replaced myself with a pillow. He stirred a little bit before drifting back to sleep. I smiled to myself. I leaned down and kissed his cheek before i made my way out of the fort.

What to do... what to do?

I went all the way upstairs to my room.

I had started a journal when i first moved to Australia. I would document every time i cut, how many, how bad, i would also write down what brought me down to feel like i had to do that.

I grabbed the thick leather journal and my black pen and made my way downstairs to the kitchen. I set the journal on the counter and started to make a pot of coffee. Finally after 7 minutes the coffee pot was filled. I opened the cupboard above the coffee maker and grabbed my favourite cow mug. It had a cow print on it but the bottom was pink and the cup stood on utters.

I filled my cup and added a small spoonful of sugar and began to stir. I reached over for the fridge for the cream and poured a little bit of cream in as well. Should i have a flavour in it? Oh, definitely. I went into the large pantry and observed my flavour shots. (The ones you see at like starbucks.) i decided on caramel with vanilla and added a pump of each into my coffee before stirring again.

I made my way back downstairs carefully balancing my journal and pen with my coffee. I made my way successfully down the stairs and into our little fort. I plopped myself down on the couch behind Michael. Michael sleeping is the cutest thing i have ever seen, his mouth is parted open and he lets out soft snores, he is still clutching the pillow like his life depended on it. I stopped watching him because it was really creepy of me. I took a long sip of my delicious coffee before setting it down beside me. I flipped my journal open to the next available page and grabbed my pen. I began to write all of my thoughts

*after writing about Michael's stay at her house.*

I realize that if i hadn't met these boys after the accident i might not have still been here. I also realize that if my parents hadn't of died then i wouldn't be in Australia. My final realization being that if my parents hadn't died they would still be here. I feel so selfish, i have a life, i have plenty of water and food... I have a home, i have an education, i have friends. But sometimes i feel like why can't i just die? Why can't i just be happy? Why can't i stop the urge of having to cut myself... and cut deeper and deeper? I want to stop the anxiety and the self harm and the depression. But honestly where do i start? These are all things i don't have control over. I need help. I need medical help. I need love and support. I need my parents back.

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