Thats a good question. Do I lie and say better? Or do I tell them truthfully that all I want to do is swallow a handful of sleeping pills?
"Um... Better." I said. It sounded like more of a question though. I grabbed the ends of my wavy hair and pulled on them.
After a minute someones voice spoke up.
"Maddy, why are you lying?" Ashton asked quietly.
"Because.... You guys don't need to be worrying about me. Because one day I am going to be swallowing a handful of pills. I know that. You should too. The sooner you grasp that fact the better. Because I am never going to be the way i was. Even if i do get 'happy' again, you all will have already left me." I said in the same quietness as Ashton. I almost hoped that they didn't hear me.
"What are you talking about...?" Calum said.
"I AM TALKING ABOUT HOW I'M EVENTUALLY GOING TO DIE. HOW IF I DO HAPPEN TO GET BETTER, YOU WILL ALL HAVE LEFT ME BECAUSE THATS WHAT EVERYONE EVER CLOSE TO ME DOES! They leave me... They always do. It doesn't matter who they are. I always get too attached to them, and I get even more sad if thats even fucking possible. I know you guys are trying to help. I love you guys. But all your going to do is leave. Your going to leave me, and thats when me world will end." I exclaimed. I wiped away the tears that had fallen from my face.
I stood up and ran upstairs as fast as i could to Luke's bedroom. I opened the window all the way and pretty much flung myself to my room. I closed my window behind me. I couldn't lock it because Luke took off my lock to my bedroom window. I flopped face first onto my bed and sobbed. I forced my face into my pillow and screamed as loud as possible. I sat up on my knees and clenched my fists. I punched the bed multiple time as I let out loud sobs. I took my fists to my thighs and punched those instead. I punched with all the force i could muster.
I just don't understand why people leave me. The boys haven't left me, but its a matter of when will they? When they do i will spiral out of control. Because i wont be able to live without them. I don't understand why i was raped by my own family. I don't understand why my parents died and why i didn't go with them. I don't understand why i have this piece of crap life.
I kept punching my thighs. I deserve it. I am now sobbing uncontrollably. I let out a wail as i punch a set of healing stitches. I put my hands at the side of my hips and put my head back and shut my eyes tight. I sob and scream loudly. Gump isnt here. The guys won't come up here. So no one really cares. Just like no one really cares about me. I take my hands to my thighs and pinch them repeatedly.
I hear something but choose to ignore it. I then here some footsteps coming toward me.
"Gad dammit!" I mutter between a sob/scream. I don't even bother to look at which of them came.
I felt arms gently push my shoulders down as i feel others stretch out my legs. I fight them, but its no use Because i am weak
"Stop it!" I sob. My whole body is shaking. "Just let me die!" I scream out.
I feel more hands at my body trying to hold me down. Someone slides in beside me and puts my head on their lap. They stroke my hair soothingly as i continue to sob. Someone else sits on my other side. I hear footsteps downstairs, someone else makes the bed dip at my legs.
I open my eyes slightly. My head is on Michael, ashton is on my other side and Luke is at my legs. I take my arms and wrap them around Michael's thigh.
I force my fave into his thigh aswell.
"I just want to die." I sobbed out.
"Shhh.." They all soothed. Michael kept stroking my hair. Ashton rubbed my back with his hand and Luke rubbed his hands on my calves.
I heard the door swing open. I turned my head a bit and saw Calum standing there. He had multiple things in his arms. I couldn't tell what they were though.
"I um, gathered some things." Calum said quietly. He came over and set down the stuff. He had my journal and pen, my favourite blanket from the basement and the locket my parents had gave to me was still in his hands. There was a small black box on the bed as well.
I gave Calum a slight smile.
I turned my head back to his thigh and continued to sob.
My sobs turned to a pain cry. The pain from the hundreds of forceful punches i had thrown to myself was excessive.
"Can I have a pain killer?" I muttered quietly.
Luke got up and went over to his bedroom. I heard some shuffles and drawers opening and closing before he came back. He sat in the same spot he was in before.
"Can you tell me why you need this?" He asked quietly.
I shook my head no in response as several tears fell down my cheeks.
He reluctantly handed me the pill. Michael handed me the water that was on my little table beside him. I took the water and placed the pill in my mouth, i took a sip of water and swallowed. I handed the water back to Michael. I went back to how i was laying. I waited a few minutes before the strong
Pain killer kicked in.
"I- I'm really sorry for losing my shit." I mumbled.
"Its okay. We know you didn't mean it."
"Most of it i did..." I reluctantly said. "I didn't mean the part of you guys leaving me. Pretty much the rest i did. Its just you didn't really know that."
After a minute Luke spoke up. "Can you tell us why you needed that pain killer though?"
"I uh-..." I started. I don't know if telling them or showing them will be easier. "Um... I..."
I reluctantly rolled up my capris track pants. I was shocked at what i saw. The tops of my thighs were purple and blue with yellow showing through. They hurt as bad as they looked.
"Well shit." Ashton said quietly.
I rolled down my pants and laid back down.
"i don't want to do this anymore." I whispered just audibly.
Michael bent down and placed a kiss on my head, then leaned down to my ear.
"I didn't either." he whispered.
I laid my head on Michael's stomach, and stretched out my legs. Ashton rolled over and wrapped his arm around me. Luke put his head on my thigh.
"FUCK!" I yelled.
"Ah! Sorry!" Luke yelled back, immediately lifting his head. He put it back onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around my legs. Calum went to the end of the bed laid down horizontally on the bed, he put my feet on his stomach and cuddled with my ankles.
I closed my eyes. I could hear the boys whispering although i couldn't tell what they were saying. I slowly drifted to sleep as the boys continued to whisper.